New blog,

I'm trying to start fresh and get everything into one email adress thing, so this is my new blogging URL. http://ablanksheetofpaperafreshstart.blogspot.com/

chances are i'll still be coming back on this to vent when something happens that i can't post, just incase that blog becomes un-private.
don't feel obligated to follow me either, i don't even know how many of you read these posts.
have a lovely day .

so i've come to the conclusion that he never liked me that way, and i'm going to keep it at that. i've sorted things out with her, so she knows now, and she said she was sorry.. kind of, but i guess it its kind of my fault, but it's also like i don't really believe her, like she knew the whole time what she was doing, even though i said it was okay. i don't know what's going on with him. he cares about me still. i guess that's enough for now.
hm. this is kind of a horrible feeling because as usual i don't know what's going on, i just know that i'm broken, so fucking broken and confused and empty, and i can't find a reason any more. it's making me crazy, but i've decided, from this day onwards- i'm not going to talk about him anymore, not to anyone, i've gone from telling no one anything, to telling anyone everything... and i've got to stop it. the only time he will be mentioned is in this blog, but other than that there will be nothing, i need to stop seeking help from every person i know, because they're all getting sick of it now.
i'm thinking of starting a new blog, dedicated to writing poetry and more poetic stream of consciousness. trying as much not to mention things in such a bold way, like- most of the writing will likely be dedicated to him, but less than this, if i get a new blog i'll post the link, doubt anyone would look at it anyway. i mean really? who gives a fuck about mt stupid fucking boy problems. i can't believe that all of this is spring from one boy, one person in the world can make you feel so useless and alone and empty.. but at the same time they can make you feel like the happiest person alive.

isn't that so strange?

I ruined it. I missed out. it's my fault. and now what? :/

unexpected.

He loved me.
well, he liked me... for a while, but i kept denying it, so he never said it.. he never told me.
i never told him.
so he moved on.
and i'm stuck here.
and... i don't know what to feel anymore.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. see what the fuck? my fucking internet is playing up and i'm stressing the fuck out, trying not to throw the fucking computer,trying not to fucking punch walls fucking fuck. i sent him a fucking message asking, not easily, if i was simply a last resort, if i'd done something wrong.i made it pretty fucking obvious that i'm fucking hurt and he didn't fucking reply. fucking fuck sake. fuck him. fuck. too fucking busy fucking her i guess. literally. dumb bitch. fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK. fucking fuck! argh!

Nothing.

I'm a last resort to him, an option. for when he is lonely, or no one else is available, i don't think he understand how much that hurts. how much everything hurts. all the time. i'm so stressed, and i can't respond to it well, at all, any time something tiny or remotely stressfull happens i break down. i nearly cry, i punch things, i punch myself... all of this for the tiniest of things. i feel so empty. i just need him to hug me so i feel better, because i just don't know how to feel normal again. i want to die because i can't find reason any more. i'm so tired. i just want to go home .


and it just goes to show, that you need me less than I need you. 

I asked god to take away the pain last night.
and tonight is just proof that whatever it is, didn't listen to me.

We haven't spoken, texted or seen each other (for more than a few seconds) in nearly three weeks.
he's online.
and hasn't even spoken to me.
so there you have it folks. i don't matter to anyone, even people who say they're friends or family or big brothers or they they love you.
you don't matter. and you are quite obviously not worth their fucking time.

however far away. I will always love you.
however long I stay. I will always love you.
whatever words I say.

I will always love you. 

are you going home to her? is she sitting on your couch, making you dinner, waiting for your kiss? are you rushing in your car to get her in your arms, are you laughing and smiling at your memories?

This is killing me.

I understand it.

Okay, so first of all what I'm going to say is don't take this, i'm not going to kill myself, i'm not going to even go there. don't worry, if you read this.

i just want to explain that i can understand how people kill themselves, i've never thought about it the way i do now. the only thing i could think was how could someone do that? hurt their families and friends and not even care, it's all a scam, a test...

but not now, i don't see that anymore. i understand now, how one can feel so horrible, so in pain, in just one second... just a matter of time, a few minutes of pain so screechingly painful, that it's just enough to take a gun and put it to your head or take a blade to your wrist.
I understand now, how a person can feel so horribly in pain, so empty, so alone, so already dead.
to take that one fucking step and end everything.

Why did she have to pick him? so many people want her, why the fuck, of all people did she have to chose him? why.... oh my god. i'm so on the verge of breaking because they were bought up, not by me- in conversation this morning, i can't stop thinking about it now, about how angry with her i am, about how fucking horrible she is to me, to the other people that she has fucked around... and the question that has me so fucking torn up inside..
why the fuck, did he chose her?

Someday's I just feel like I can't cope, and the only thing that could fix that was you being there with me. There to tell me that everything was going to be okay, or even... even just knowing that you miss me too. Even that would be enough to keep me going. But you're not.
you're not there with me.
and you don't miss me.
and those two things put together make everything seem useless and vague.
those two things put together tear me apart and... to be one hundred percent honest.
I don't know how much longer I can hold myself together.

Hm.

It's kind of funny, I had a status about him, saying something about how I should have told you earlier because it's so complicated now.
and he say:
whats troubling you sis?
awkward moment when it's you. it's always fucking you.
all my problems spring from you not wanting me. and it's tearing me down.
i don't want to be your little sister.
i want you to look at me differently.
please just love me like i love you?
come on, god, fate, whatever.... i'm begging you.
i'm begging you to change his mind. please let him change his mind.

I failed.

I gave up on this not talking thing, I couldn't do it, it was driving me insane, if I left it I knew that I wouldn't hear from him, so i sent me a message, and he replied. which... even though it wasn't quite that great a reply, it was a reply, which means he bothered I guess.
I'm weak, really really fucking weak, I know. But I missed him so much. It's only been a week. fuck. what I would do for one of his hugs. I just want a hug and a call and... just. us. I want us.
I miss him, and I'm scared that I'm going to be the one who sends the last message, i know I will be. it's me, he doesn't care.
I just..
I feel like crying all the time. there's no point in this anymore. I wish he knew. I really wish he'd understand how much he was hurting me.
I miss him.
and I just want to talk to him all day, and be with him, and stop feeling so fucking empty all the time. I need someone to make me feel better again.
I want to feel better again.

I'm in such a sad horrible mood again. I'm kind of proud of myself for ignoring him today, but what if i just seemed like a bitch? he came into work, i could see him from the corner of my eyes, waiting for me to notice him, but i stared straight ahead and pretended i didn't even know he was there. I could feel him watching me, and i just wanted to go and get a hug from him, or something...
but i didn't, i ignored him completely, and you want to know what fucking sucks the most? he didn't even say anything. he didn't say my name, or say hi, or even... he didn't try to get me to see him.
he didn't try.
he doesn't care. I haven't spoken to him... in how long? I think it's a week now.
and it's killing me, it really is. there's nothing worse than feeling like this, i just feel so empty, like there's no reason for anything because it's like he doesn't exist, but honestly. i wish he didn't, right now. i wish i could go to work without worrying about him coming in, i wish he would just go away so i could have the time off from thinking about him.
oh my god.
you know what is really fucking shit!!!?? i was supposed to have a month away from him, one month, thats what the roster was, and now they've changed it, and i've got half a shift with him in two weeks.
that ruins this fucking thing.
i need as much time as i can get,
but i can't get shit because i keep seeing him. i'm so angry right now.
i either want a full ball interaction, a hang out, a really really long hug, a sleep over and talks from him.
or nothing.
no seeing. no talking.
nothing.
none of this inbetween shit.
it jsut fucks me over.
:(
this is so horrible.
i wish i could convey how painful it is.... i'm starting to hate god.
that's a really bad thing to say.
but i'm starting to hate him.it.whatever. i don't even know if i "believe" it's so strange. whatever. i'm starting to hate destiny.. life. fate. whattever. i'm starting to hate whatever the fuck dangled him in front of me, only to rip everything away and have him close enough for me to see everything happen to him, but not to actually be with him, or ... i don't know. whatever. i'm starting to hate everything.
and i don't believe. i don't believe in anything anymore.
justice is fucked,
fate is fucked
destiny is fucked
happiness is fucked
life is fucked
i am fucked.
i just want to get out of here. i want to disappear and go someplace so far away and i never have to see him again.
maybe if i was beautiful.
maybe then.
i just want to go away.

I just missed him, I looked out the window and saw his face. I was so excited for about a millisecond. his face, his eyes, the way he walked, they way he looked, then i remembered, i wasn't allowed to see him.
I rushed out the back door as he came in the front and hid for about five minutes.. when i came back in he was just driving away.
close call.
i miss him so much.

i thought it was getting better.

i drove past him today. didn't look at his car, pretended i didn't see him. work was fine. until we got some cooking orders and i started to stress.
then i just broke.
i started crying and the only thing i could think of was;
i want Ashley. 


and there's his name guys. Ashley.
I miss him so much.
Everything feels so horrible right now.

I deleted every single message on my phone last night. every single one.
Tonight, I missed a call from him. not on purpose though. that pissed me off, that i missed it unknowlingly, that i couldn't sit there and be proud that i was strong enough to resist it. I missed it by accident.
ugh. and he only tried once, didn't leave a message didn't send a text, shows how fucking much i matter. god. i'm so angry, why can't he just ... go ?

but i don't want him to go, i want him very much to stay.
stay with me?
i still can't stop thinking about them together, how wrong they are for each other.
i want all this to end. fuck
.
it all needs to fucking end.

idiot.

it's kind of funny, how i'm sitting here, waiting for a message from you, so i can ignore it and feel like i'm strong, or doing something right.. or something.
but, well for one. i'm still sitting here waiting for a message from you.
and two.
you're not sending me a thing.
which probably means that... well, i know it means, that i haven't crossed your mind at all.
this is so fucked.
everything is shit. you're shit. she's shit. i hate her. i hate you. i hate me.
fuck this. i'm going to bed.

There's nothing left of me anymore. he's taken everything. every ounce of strength, every little bit of happiness, all that sadness. he's taken everything.
I'm so empty now.
there's just...
nothing. 

and she gets to lie in that bed, in those arms, hold you, look into those eyes.
her.
she.
why?
it's not fair.
it's not fair that she gets you.

going through his photos was a bad idea.

What time does..

It’s so strange, and weird… now that I think about it, I mean.. when I think back to when I first met you. Well, I didn’t even meet you. I saw you, I didn’t know who you were, I didn’t really care… I was focused on whatever my problems, or whatever. I was focused on something else. You were nothing to me. another person, another name, another face… nothing. But then, something happened, I learnt the person behind the face, like you were a math problem, I uncovered things about you, and at some point we clicked I guess. I can’t remember when it was, or how it happened, but all of a sudden, you meant something to me… you were important, and most of all you weren’t nothing. Over time, I gradually got to know more about you, the deepest parts of your minds, what lay nestled inside your head, how you thought, and eventually you grew to be someone that I relied on, I needed. I guess that, looking back on it now, looking back to the first time that I sat at that table and glanced over at you, wondering who you were, but brushing it off, because, who were you? you were nothing. right? nothing. Looking back, it’s so weird thinking about how little you were, and how much you are now. But I guess that, maybe… if I didn’t need you then, I don’t need you now. I mean, you were once nothing.. time changed that. 

Maybe time can change this too?

and tell me now, where was my fault... in loving you with my whole heart?

post title is irrelevant. I just really like that song at the moment. I've got this idea, so I'm going to dot point what I want to do, I need to think it and outline it, but i haven't written it down yet. so, it's this big jumbled piece of moosh.
here goes:

• Become tea tree/eucalyptus obsessed; soap, shampoo, conditioner, face wash/moisturizer/toner/etc.etc..
• Save up money. Don't use any of it unless needed. 
• Eat healthy. Fruit and Vegetables, all the time... 
• Drink a lot of water. 
• No excess sugar. 
• Stop wearing make up whenever I go out/to work. 
• Spend (final spending binge) this weeks pay on skin care/soap/toothpaste... 
• exercise every day. half an hour walk in the morning. half and hour walk in the afternoon. Some time on the ab circle pro that I've never used.  
• Lose enough weight to feel comfortable in a bikini, go out and get a tan, try to fade the stretch marks. 
• With the saved money, buy some new hair extensions, maybe proper ones... maybe clip in? I'm not sure. 
• With the saved money, and the new body... buy a whole new wardrobe. new bra's, undies, tops, shorts, skirts, dresses, shoes... everything. 
• delete all those messages from everyone off my phone.. (even the ones from him... the ones calling me beautiful. that's going to be the shittiest part. knowing that a guy that has called me beautiful, there's no evidence anymore)
• When I finally have a nice body, new hair, new clothes... treat myself to a new make up set, all natural, expensive stuff, new foundation, mascara, eyeliner, blush, eye shadow, concealer, lip gloss, lip balm and new brushes for all of them. and again, only wear it on really special occasions. 

That's my plan, my moving on, starting fresh, getting over it, finding someone else I feel comfortable around... plan.
I just wish I knew where to start. 

Weirdly okay?

Yesterday I went out with friends, we went ice skating and I saw a movie, and for the first time in a long time, everything kind of felt okay. we went and had sushi, that was a  bit of  a downer, because i remembered when we went and ate together, then just pictured him with her, all those things... but i pushed it out of my mind. and I felt okay.
it was so weird. I decided to keep telling myself, that he's really not that great, and that there IS something better. I keep saying it to myself. even though every single time i do, it's like... all these memories, and all these things that he said, and how he acts.. and just everything about him... it all creeps up and tells me that i know that's not true. but it's almost like... i'm starting to believe that he isn't that great, just because of how much pain he has caused me.. it's like i don't believe in him anymore.
maybe that's a good thing... but then again, maybe its just because i don't believe in anything anymore. I just find things kind of useless these days. I do miss him, I hate...i hate sitting here, not texting him, because i'm trying to avoid talking to him so i can let him go, but i know he's sitting with her not texting me... because he hasn't even thought of me. i think thats so unfair. i've decided that even if he does, i'm not going to reply, i'm going to do what he does to me... he only talks to me when he's lonely anyway.
I was talking to my friend about it, and for once, she actually listened like she cared... like... she listened, and i asked her . "am i fucking crazy, did i psychoalayize it into something that it wasn't..? or was there actually signs that he might have been interested..?" and, i know her, she's honest... like. honest. she doesn't fuck around, she's bluntly honest. and she even said. "there was signs that fucked you around"..
ugh. at least i know i'm not crazy. i do miss him. but it's like. fuck. i'm so scared of accidental confrontation, seeing him in town, or calling work and he answers, or him calling me from work to ask about something to do WITH work. i really can't hear from him, or talk to him, or see him... in this next month i need the space. i'm thinking about deleting my facebook for a while as well. just until i see him again, that way, he cant contact me, or see me or anything, and i wont have the urge to look him up. or see what he's doing, and then be upset that its with her and not me.
ugh. i feel crazy :/ i guess i've gotta do what i've gotta do. my emotions are so out of whack.
i don't know what i'm feeling anymore.

passion.

people say that passion is something worth fighting for, worth living for, if you're passionate about something, don't give it up, don't let it slip away.
but I'm passionate about you.
I've noticed that, how intrigued i am in you, in your mind, in the way you are... in you. I'm more interested in knowing, and finding out, and delving into the deepest parts of you, than I am in anything else.
and this scares me so much.
It's like, people say things like "don't you dare give up" "don't give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about" but then, it's like.. but should i ? should i give up all together? i wish i could control it, and just decide to give up. but there's always something telling me that there will be a chance, at some point, there will be a chance, his feelings will change. so i keep hoping, i keep fighting, i keep hurting, i keep waiting. but nothing ever changes.
and its scary, because it might never change.

your silhouette is almost as beautiful as you. sometimes, just the shape of your face, the shape of your body, how you move. something about you just makes the world go around, keeps the people alive, you keep me alive.
suffering. yes.
but alive none the less.

it's scary when the pain doesn't go away, and you're left to wonder if it will cripple you like old age.

lost for words now.
the only thing i can think of is fuck.
fuck her.
fuck him.
fuck school.
fuck work.
fuck friends.
fuck me.
fuck food.
fuck alcohol.
fuck sleep.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
fuck everything.

I bet she doesn't see you like I do. I bet she doesn't even notice.

by myself

I feel so alone right now. so empty. i feel like nothing could feel worse in the world. i just keep picturing her arms around you.. worse. your arms around her. I see all these things that i just want to go away, and all i can think is how much i would do, just to have you as mine. i feel so sad and alone and sad. and sick. i still feel sick. :( there isn't anything left of me anymore. without you, there's nothing. there's just this big empty space where you should be. i just want you.
and i hate her for what she did. and i hate you for hurting me so much, and i hate that i cant hate you for what you've done. and i hate me for not being good enough for you.. or for anyone. and i hate me for seeing your eyes everytime i close mine. i hate me for dreaming about you every night, and thinking about you when i wake up. i hate me for you being the only thing inside my head, even when there's a million other things going on, you're always there. i hate me for not being  able to enjoy myself without you. i hate me for loving your imperfections. i hate me for knowing, really knowing what you look like, the shape of your nose, your eyes, your hands, your voice, your freckles, your marks, your tattoos, the way you smile, the kid voice you do,  the little boy i see, the man that i watched sleep, the crease between your eyes, the stubby little hairs on your face, the way you look when you smile, how deep your eyes go, the way you say sorry, the way you hug me, the way you smell, the way you drive, what you look like in your car, the way you laugh, the way you mock me, the shape your hair falls into naturally, the way you walk, i hate it. i hate how well i know you. and i hate how much i love every single piece of you.

I miss you already.

only because I know I'm not going to see you for a while.
oh god.
why does she get to have you there? what is so fucking great about her?
I'm tired of hurting.
i just want to go away.

everything is nothing without you.

it just makes me so sad, and hurts so much, when i look at you, when you look at me, and you smile, and you do that cute grin, and i see that little bit of child in you. i mean, don't get me wrong, it's the most beautiful thing in the world . but when you're not with me, when you're gone.. it's like there's nothing i wouldn't do to have you that close to me again, just want to touch your face hold you inside my heart. Everything seems to useless when you're not here.
I'm glad a left last night, with a good feeling, seeing you smile at me. but i'm going to miss you. and this is a horrible day already. I just want you to belong to me.
it's like i can't go out, and have fun, and be happy if you're not with me. it's like everything i do is for you, and i can't stop it. I can't stop how fucking strongly i feel. you make me the happiest person alive. I can't even explain. but you're not mine. and that, that makes me hurt so much. I wish you knew, kind of. I wish you loved me back. I wish i knew how i felt.
the truth is, when i'm around you, i'm happy, i'm me... i feel alive, and not broken, when you're making me laugh or looking at me, i feel so fucking free. but the moment you're gone, when you're not in my sight, when i know that you're thinking of someone else, when i know that you're holding her like i would be holding you..
then everything just feels like its falling apart. every part of my body feels like its being torn apart. 
no one can see it though. 
only i can feel it. 
i just want you. 

detachment attempt 2.
starts today.
one month on the roster that i won't see him for, even though he promised me we'd catch up on his annual leave, chances are, because of the girl. i won't hear a thing from him.
I'm not going to text him. if he comes into work I'm going to do my best to remain unseen.
If he texts me, (which i hope he doesn't, this needs to be a NO CONTACT thing)
i won't reply.
....
here goes nothing.

its probably taken over two years for those scars to fade into nothing.
but so what?
whats a few more...
whats another couple of years?
nothing matters anymore.

no this is not your fault, but if i'm without you then i would feel so small and if you have to go, well always know that you shine brighter than anyone .

everytime i think of them together i want to throw up everything inside.
i honestly feel sick at the thought of them.
nothing... he doesn't care anymore. as soon as there's another girl in the picture, i don't matter anymore.
why don't i matter? he said that he'd never forget me, i'll always be his little sister.
but fuck.
i'm just going to keep waiting around until he changes his mind.
but what if he never does?
i feel so useless. i just want to get away from everything.

hope is the problem.

even though it's clear you don't feel the same.
I'm still hoping that your feelings are going to change.
that in time you'll fall as hard as I did.
that one day things will be different.
and thats my problem.
i'm still waiting. now that i know you don't feel the same.
i'm still fucking waiting for you!

i want to hurt you.
like you've hurt me.

These lyrics are everything... it's almost like she wrote this song for me :/ lol.

Broken words I whisper to myself
Try to sound lovely, but it doesn't help
When the world is sleeping and I'm still in my chair
Can't close my eyes, I don't wanna know what's in there

And I have better dreams when I'm awake
When I'm in control so I don't shift and shake
The way I do in bed alone, and I'll say...

I wish I wasn't sober
Maybe then I'd have more fun
And I loathe her
She has everything I want
And I hold him
But only in my mind
He never says what I want to hear half the time
I wish someone would know me like the back of their hand
'Cause I need to be loved like that

The word "goodnight" has never scared me more
Please don't leave me, I don't wanna be alone
Tomorrow's not good enough
'Cause I can't breathe right here, right now

Maybe then it wouldn't be so bad
If he could at least stop calling me his "friend"
And I can never set him straight, so I'm sayin'...

I wish I wasn't sober
Maybe then I'd have more fun
And I loathe her
She has everything I want
And I hold him
But only in my mind
He never says what I wanna hear half the time
I wish someone would know me like the back of their hand
'Cause I need to be loved like that
I need to be loved like that

This is how my heart aches at half past midnight these days

I wish I wasn't sober
Maybe then I could have fun
And I loathe her
'Cause she's everything I'm not
And I hold him
But not outside my mind
He never says what I want him to half the time
I wish someone could know me like the back of their hand
'Cause I need to be loved like that
I need to be loved like that
I need to be loved like that

.-

Catrien Maxwell. 

the pain doesn't really go away. I honestly just feel like throwing up. like my heart is weighing down on my lungs, giving me this sinking feeling that you get before you vomit.
i think i'm going to be sick

my emotions have had enough. it's all shut down. i guess the body and mind can only take a certain amount of pain before it shuts off to stop you dying.
sounds stupid.
but lol. i thought my chest was going to rip apart.
now i just cant feel a thing. its there though. under the surface. its eating away at me.
i hope this pain stays away.

i'm just angry because. he can be himself around me.
he's showen me sides that he could not have shown her! she's so quiet and innocent and fuck.
he's so the opposite.
i don't understand.
how he can?
has he shown her those sides too?
did he just expect something from me?
fuck.
i don't..
wow.
i need alcohol.

i kind of feel like i can let him go now. apparently he's fucking with her head too.,
they're all the same.
lol.
i feel kind of alone i guess.
but i feel this is for the best.
as painful as it is.
hmm.

i am broken.

I went to sleep thinking about you.
I dreamed of you.
I woke up thinking about you.
You're the only thing on my mind.
You're always on my fucking mind.
I miss you. 

Thinking..

Okay. I've thought about it. I want you to be happy.
So, really, not hearing from you much, okay. if you were to be out drinking, partying, having fun and fucking anyone, I'd be okay with that. I'd be happy for you not to think of me for a while, to grieve or, whatever, enjoy your life being single and stuff. that is good, I'd love for that to be happening.
the thing that hurts is knowing, or thinking.
that you're just being so happy because you're holding someone else in your arms.
Like I'm holding you in my heart.
There's a difference there.
and fuck me dead.
it's just given me hope.

I'm still waiting to hear from you.
why has everything changed so much again?
why don't you care anymore?
what happened?
what did i do?
How can I fix it?
help me fix this.

you just don't give a fuck anymore do you?

I don't want ANYTHING to do with you anymore.

GET FUCKED.

trying trying trrying.
giving up giving up giving up.
are you really worth all of this?
hurting hurting hurting.
angry angry angry.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
I need you I need you .
I miss you.
Do you miss me?
Miss me. Text me. Miss me.
I miss you.
Miss me.
Fuck you.
I hate you.
I need you.
I love you.
Fuck you.
Fuck everything.
Fuck.
I don't see the point, in anything anymore.
I hate you.
Fuck you.
You're not worth this pain.
You're worth nothing.
You're everything.
I give up.
I hate you. Fuck you.
The way you make me feel, is starting to make me hate you.
Fuck our friendship.
I don't care anymore.
I just want to be rid of you.
I hate you.

It's not that I'm going to let this destroy me. 
It's that it already has. 

I don't understand.
you were supposed to be my friend. 
you were supposed to care about me. 
you both were. 

I'm going to sleep now. its going to be a long few days.
i have to work with him for three hours tomorrow.
then i've decided to go to this party after work, even though i have to work the next day.
i'm going to be so tired.
but you know what? i want to get so fucking drunk. i want to .. die.
that word just came to my head. is that bad? i think thats bad.
then
i only see him for one hour on saturday.
then not at all sunday.
then.
i don't know about the rest of the week. probably not much, especially outside of work because he's got something better and amazing and perfect lol.
and he doesn't want me.
i feel like shit again
.
i'm going to have shitty fucking nightmares.
no.
i'm going to have a perfect dream and wake up crying because it isnt real.
im getting away from this world for a while, if its the only way.
goodnight. i dont want to wake up.

it really does help the pain.
i felt so horrible before.
and now i've settled down.
i still feel sad and lonely, cheated, let down and hurt.
but i'm not crying.
i don't feel the need to cry, considering i cried for about thirty minutes without stopping.
lol.
i'm in a bitchy mood.
i fucking hate everyone.

it really does help the pain.
i felt so horrible before.
and now i've settled down.
i still feel sad and lonely, cheated, let down and hurt.
but i'm not crying.
i don't feel the need to cry, considering i cried for about thirty minutes without stopping.
lol.
i'm in a bitchy mood.
i fucking hate everyone.

I guess. even if they are together . it's just another fork in the road. another reason why we're not supposed to be  together.
another reason to be sad.
it's not like he was mine anyway.
why am i so worried about losing him?
he's not mine. he's never been.
he'll never be.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.

I screamed.

he drove past again after, didn't stop that time. i screamed at the car long after he was gone.
"I hate you! i fucking hate you! fuck you! you stupid fucking ass hole! fuck you! you fuck me around. you make me fucking think that maybe just fucking maybe you want me, only when you're fucking lonely! but then, as soon as you fucking find someone else, its back to the same old i don't give a fuck about you because you're fat and ugly and horrible, so fucking horrible! i hate you! fuck you! fuck youu! you fuck with my head. i hate you! I hate you so much" 

I want to die.

Tonight was the most painful thing that i've felt in a long time.
I don't know for sure whats going on.
But i've got a fair idea.
and i want to fucking die.
my friend, that we worked with, that left recently, had a facebook status, saying "life is so awesome at the moment, gotta love it- with such and such AND HIM.
Okay. i worried, i thought he was at work, i called work, i herd him, then i happened to see him drive past later on.
her in the car.
he stopped, and came over, and..
they;re together.
they must be together. they aren't just friends, i texted her earlier saying stuff, we had a convo. i asked her what she was doing tonight. she skipped the question.
whenhe got out of the car. she didnt. why wouldnt you? she had JUST told me she missed me.

YOU FUCKING LYING STUPID BITCH!!! YOU KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM! YOU FUCKING KNEW. FUCK YOU. FUCK HIM. FUCK OFF FUCKFUFKFFUFUFUFUUUUCK.
god. i sound so angry now. but im hurting. i really am. im screaming. i want to slice my skin open. i want to hurt, i want to die! i fucking. i broke down afterwoods, after he left and we were walking across the road, i started crying. my "bestfriend" didnt even fucking care.
fuck
i hate this
i want to die.
i want to die.
:(
she suggested maybe they're just friends! but WHY wouldn't she tell me what she was doing ?
why the fuck?
why.
and it explains why, he hasn't been replying to my texts, explains why hes been acting like hes got another girl. because. he probably fucking does.
i'm hurting.
i am hurting.
i cant do this.
i'm so angry. so angry. I'VE CHANGED EVERYTHING FOR HIM. and i'm still not fucking good enough. WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE!?? WHY!! and fuck you! you stupid bitch.
SHE KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS. SHE KNEW. SHE KNEW .
he seemed sorry. before he left he was like. give me a cuddle.
and hugged me.
i didnt move my arms. just put my head over his shoulder.
\why
cant this one time
god give me the one thing i'm asking for.
why can't i just have one thing?
am i really that repulsive? am i really that horrible and disgusting?
please god. please. whatever, whoever, you are, please listen, please hear me, please help me.
please give me this.
just this.
please.
please let me be wrong about my assumption.
please.
please.
please.
help.

I'm just tired. tired and angry and sad. and just. FUCK. FUCKING FUCKED. FUCKKK. i am so . fucking. sad. i want
FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

I'm having the most horrible few days. I feel so sad all the time.
Wednesdays are always the worst, because, it's in the middle of the time that I see him for.
It's making me so sad, I just want to scream. Why can't he call me and tell me he misses me? or get drunk and say that i'm beautiful again? I want him to get drunk and think of me right away, i'm trying to stop hurting.
it's not working.
what do i do?
please make it stop.

so he starts a conversation .
and then when i reply to him
he doesn't reply to me.
even if i send like, three different messages, not like, stalkerish crazy, just add ons.
still no reply.

what the fuck are you playing at?

waiting waiting waiting.

my whole fucking life is centred around waiting. and not just for anything. for him. waiting for a text, waiting for a call, waiting for him to fall for me, waiting to see him, waiting for his hugs, waiting for him to finish work, waiting for him to tell me something i know i'll never hear. waiting for an invitation to his house. waiting for his laugh. waiting waiting waiting! waiting to look into those fucking eyes again.
WAITING.
I'M SO SICK OF FUCKING WAITING.

There hasn't really been much happening. Well, maybe there has, a lot of emotions and confusedness. but I can't express it. I don't feel like i can talk to anyone. i don't want to socialize, all this pain keeps building up, and it's all because of him. I feel so useless, i don't want to try anymore.
i don't want to be here.
i just need to get away.
from everything. 

It's been too long.

I haven't heard from you in days. How could it be that i have not crossed your mind once, when haven't stopped crossing mine?

500 days of summer.

I just watched this movie, I wanted to cry. It's relativeness doesn't come straight back to my situation. But i guess it delievered a message. It doesn't matter how bad things feel at the time. they get better, there's always someone else.
even though it hurts.
i guess i just... i guess I should just move on.

Six feet under.

And once again, the sky grew down, pulling the entire world down on top of it. The tree's planted themselves firmly in the clouds, and waited for the tide to go down, waited for the world to galaxy to subside. So, as I walked away and watched your face, I realized what I had been hiding from the world.. It didn't matter, none of it did. Not that I wasn't beautiful, or skinny or smart! Not that no one wanted me... none of it mattered. My pain was useless. It's not like I was significant to the world, I made no difference, and nor did the way you made me feel. Uselessness was no answer, but neither were you. you were the whole world on my shoulders, you weighed me down, but someone you gave me a sense of strength. Nothing in the universe could pull me down, except you.. who also had the power to make me happier than I'd ever been.... and with that, you had the power also, to pull me six feet under.
and unfortunately.
Thats exactly what you did. 

The fear is worse than the pain.

One of his friends mentioned Brisbane in october. Not even mentioned, I don't even know what it's about, but I assume he means going there. what if he goes and finds a better girl? what if he goes and doesn't want to come back? what if I lose him ? he's not even mine to lose. but what if I lose him ? I want to stop feeling so shitty. I want to be the one to leave, if anyone goes. I want to be the one to make the first decision.

I can't find a reason for anything anymore.

I fell asleep, and he sent me a text later. at 10/53. yay. thats just raised my bedtime once again .
i didn't reply, but i replied thismorning. maybe i shouldn't have? maybe i should have just left it?
what if he doesn't reply to mine, he's just going to.. and i'll get disapointed and.
I'm scared.

Life was easier without you.

But now I've met you, you're here. you're with me, in a way. and I won't ever be the same.

I don't think I could even find something I like about myself anymore. I used to like my eyes. But now, I've found that one is noticably lazy' , its only recent, but its getting worse, you can see it in photos now. also, when i smile one eyebrow raises a lot.
its gross. i'm actually completely disgusting.
someone make me beautiful.

Waiting around for nothing again.
as usual.

10.39- Hurry up. I'm so tired.

I miss him already.

It's only been two and a half hours, but I miss him. I miss his voice, his smile, his ability to make me laugh. I miss him.
I gave my friend a hug before I left, i wanted him to ask for one too, but he didn't, so I left without hugging him, I wish I'd given him a hug.
I wish he'd asked me for one.

I'm not going to text him unless he texts me first. I won't see him until friday, or here from him if I leave it like that. It's going to make me sad, and tired, because I'll be staying up all night waiting and then being disapointed.
I was going to ask him to come to cairns with me so i could buy his present, but i guess I'll just do that myself.
I'll leave him alone this time.
but it's not like he won't be on my mind the entire time or something.
of course not :/

Paranoia.

The girl at work. what if you like her? what if you two have a secret relationship going on? what if you like her more than me? You've been looking at her like you look at me, you've been talking to her more. I left you two alone tonight, what if she thinks she likes you like i do. what if you like her back. help help help! I swear, if he was mine I would not be a jealous person, because I would know that he belongs to me, that he's mine. but he doesn't and he's not. and now i'm just scared. scared I'm going to lose something that isn't even mine to begin with.
he sent me a text at 3.3o am, i talked to him about it the next day. I GOT ONE REPLY! he said FROM TASHA.
I got so angry, i hated her! why did she get a message to? why don't i matter more? whatwhatwhat. I swear i wouldn't be like this. I swear! but i am now. I'm just scared. he's so. confusing.
he's perfect.
i love him. i want him. i'm scared.
what if there really is no future in this for us? :/ thats not fair. I want tthere to be a future. I want there to be SOMETHING. Someone please tell me how to do this.
how to get through this.
i need to let go.
if not, i'm just going to get burnt.

I'm still scared.

When this first started, I was confused about how he was treating me, if he was interested? it was the same as it is now, mixed signals, not understanding, having some sort of hope, and kind of feeling that MAYBE he is interested.
but i'm so scared, because last time... i got burnt. he found someone better, and i'd been reading everything wrong.
I'm so afraid it's going to happen again.
I don't want it to happen again.
someone please tell me what to do :(

The Night.

he picked me up, I was worried because it was getting late, I was starting to get sad, but then. of course, as soon as I saw him. I lightened up, he made me laugh as usual. we drove down to his house, and played games and watched a movie. He put his legs up over mine, like, on the couch.. so he was kind of lying accross me if that makes sense, whilst i was sitting. by the end of the movie, he fell asleep, leaning on me. I watched him, he was twitching, he seemed so sad, or worried, i just wanted to help him, hold him in my arms, I wanted him. I just wanted to hold him, so much. after about an hour of me not moving. i didnt want to wake him, in all that, he looked peacefull i suppose, still beautiful. innocent, untouched, naive... no act. just him, beautiful.
- my legs started going numb, so i woke him up so i could move. then i went and layed down on the other couch. he woke me up and two or so in the morning and told me to go to bed, so i did. a seperate one of course in another room. i was half asleep, but i wanted him to stay.
in the morning he came out when i was on the couch, sat next to me and rested his head on me a few times. he seemed so sad. i wanted to make him happy. then, before we left. i asked for a hug.
it was a beautiful hug, it lasted 30 or so seconds. just. him, and me. i felt so complete .
then he let go, then... i felt empty.
as usual he made me laugh and stuff throughout the night at work. when he dropped me off he asked if i was okay because i was upset with ma. and blabaslblalalla. i asked him for another hug, he got out of the car and just. i feel so fucking happy when i'm with him. when he hugs me its like the whole world, its like everything in my arms.
I wish he understood. i wish even more that he felt the same. i just want these feelings to be returned, or to end. because the pain i feel when i let go, its so... it burns. it hurts so much.

Take me anywhere but here.

Despite the previous post.

I don’t understand sex. 

How could one possibly give themselves to another so intimately? It’s your scars, your insecurities, all those things you hide under your clothes. you’re just giving away, leaving yourself so vulnerable. 

I just wouldn’t be able to let someone see me like that, I just have so many insecurities.

I want you in every way.

I've never been one for sex.
But, for some reason.. you. I want you, and I want you like that.
This is, so weird for me to write, is this normal? that I want to have sex with him? I want him in every way possible.
I saw this thing on kissing.
I've never kissed anyone, and everything I read on that, I thought of me and you, Please kiss me tonight.

Yeah, I'm going to his house tonight, nothing will happen, because he doesn't want me like that. it didn't last time, and he wasn't that keen on saying yes when I asked to go over, maybe I should have left it, but if i did nothing would have happened.
I just want him so so so badly.
everyway.
god, i WANT him.

10.39.

The latest you've ever started a texting conversation. so I stay up, every night. until 10.39, waiting for something from you.
and then, I go to sleep.
because you don't want me.

Be happy.

Run away, find the girl you want forever. Smile. Laugh. Play. Fight. Make love.
Run away.
Be happy.
But go now.
And never talk to me again.

Just wait. leave him alone. give it a rest. wait for him to come to you. don't push him.

LET HIM GO.

Hope is shit.

Ugh, he said on Friday, when he asked me over to his house "well, you should come over monday night" and I was like yeah okay. then on saturday, our last shift this week together, i asked him if when I was going to see him next, and then he said "maybe on monday, i'll give you a text if I'm not doing anything"... and now..
I get that he's busy. but I'm waiting for that text. I keep checking my phone. its like i'm so hopeful for this even though I know it's not going to happen. he was acting weird. he isn't going to text me. I know it.. but I just want to see him. I want a hug, I want to hear his voice, and joke around, and listen to him laugh, and catch him smiling at me.
thats the best feeling, when I look up and he's smiling a half smile, kind of sarcastic grin on his face.
I just want to kiss him.
But, I just... I feel as if it could never happen. he gives off signs.
but then on the other hand, he give off other signs, complete opposite ones . and I just don't know what to think..
last time i was slightly under the impression that he was a tiny bit interested in me, he met someone else, he got a girlfriend, and it tore me apart.
I'm so scared of all that happening again. I need to detatch.
Now.

He might think he knows...

But he will never understand the immensity, and strenght of the way I feel for him.
I don't "Like" him.
It's not a"crush"
Its's deeper than that..
How far the deepness goes I don't quite know.

Everything is falling apart again.

and everything just hurts so much.

GAH SO MUCH SHIT HAS HAPPENED.

Not really. I cant be fucked writing it all. basically everything is fucked.
people at work know. theyve figured it out. someone said to my friend that he probably knows too because its so obvious. then some other stuff. BUT FUCKFUFJDFFFUFUUUUUCK!! I DOTN KNOW WHAT TOD O:(

here we go again.

Its dawning on me again, all the pain.
"you're an epic friend xx"
is that normal? I don't know what to think of you. yesyes. I'm happy you're in my life. so happy.
but.. this .. this wanting, yearning that I have for you..
I want you.
I want this.
why can't I just be happy with what i've got ?

it was perfect and i'm so happy.

we just hung out. did some stuff together, had some jokes. i almost caught myself being sad that it wasnt the way i wanted. then i just. told myself to shut up. it was perfect. now he's texting me. that makes me happy. i know its not how i want it to be. but its how it is. and im just going to deal with that. at least i have him at all. he's so perfect. well, no. he's not. but, he's perfect enough. all those things about him make me so happy. i just wanted to kiss him today. if i wasnt so sick i probably would have.
maybe.. hell start feeling the same.
but i cant say that,  because he'll probably tell me soon about this new girl that he's got on the side. for now though, it doesnt matter. live in the moment right?
its so much happier this way.

We're catching up tomorrow, after school- I'm so nervous,

Sometimes, you get those.. epiphany, when you realize how truly lucky you are, and how sad you've been over the silliest things. you figure out that you could just be happy, instead of being scared about when it's over, like.. being sad because he doesn't feel the same way and when you're together, that time will end. you just kind of get, that you should just be happy with the time you've got with him now. He makes you happy being with him right? so be happy with him. don't worry about later, or after, or the fact that he isn't feeling the same way. he makes you happy. so be happy. be in the moment. because that's what matters the most. the happiness right now. You realize how stupidly upset you are over the fact that a boy doesn't like you... how much pain you've been causing yourself, and blaming it on him. is it really his fault that he doesn't feel the same?
this is what comes to my mind, every day for about five seconds.
but then i remind myself that it still hurts.
but, i've decided. here on in.. i'm going to try so hard to fix this. this pain. I'm going to find the good in everything. even in the fact that he doesn't like me. everyday, I'm going to try and write on here, or somewhere else. something to do with him. and why I'm grateful it happened or didn't happen.
maybe it will make me appreciate what I do have of him.
rather than what I don't.
I love you. AJP.

There is really no one I can talk to about this huh.

So broken.

He told me his idea of perfect. why he didn't fight for her. he didn't feel like it was going anywhere. He felt like there was soemthing better. then he talked about how all guys are always thinking that there is something better. the perfect girl. then they realise, after they've ended it, that there isn't, such a thing. he explained his perfect girl. as the girl with blond hair blue eyes skinny waiste big tits, happy funny... all the things i'm complete opposite to. i asked him if he thought there was someone else that he was interested in. FUCK NO. he said.
oh . bbut i thought maybe .. me?
am i fucking retarted? yeah .
then he explained how a person would have you be your best friend, love them more than anything. he said he cant wait til he finds that person, and when he does theres no reason why he wouldnt want to marry them right away, . he wouldnt want to wait around for something to happen, something better.
that hurrt.
hes never going to want me, ill never be the thing he wants.
ill never be his idea of perfect. ill never me anything but the friend.
im so happy when i'm with him.
but it just hurts because i know it's going to end,
i love his handwriting.
i love him.

Scared.

I'm scared, scared scared scared scared. so fucking scared. I didn't see it coming. what if there was a chance for us? what if she ruined it. i'm scared. so scared. so scared... help. I'm so afraid. I feel like something inside me is breaking.
I want him.
I want him and I was going to have him. I was going to do things i'd never done . I was prepared, I was starting to gain confidence. I was going to hold him. I wanted him. I want him.
She's got him .
she's got him in the palm of her hands with her lying bullshit.
oh how i hope she's lying.
someone save me.
please.
i'm scared. so scared.
I need to get away.
I'm so fucking afraid,

oh god.

I'm in love with him.
he doesn't want her anymore.
she said she took a pregnancy test
she said it was positive.
she's been lying about a lot.
he doesn't know what to believe.
i don't know how to feel.
help.

His voice is far too perfect. 

and then he asks for hugs.
and then he tries calling me  when he gets home.
but.
i just.. this is never going to be how i want it to be.

Even though they're not together anymore, it does not change the fact that he's not going to be thinking about me before he falls asleep. He's not going to want to hold me. He isn't going to get butterflys in his tummy when he see's me.

I'm never going to be that girl. 

they broke up, they fucking broke up!! because she was stealing from him, he said there is no chance theyre going to get back together.. what do i do? i dont know.im so happy about it, but i don't want him hurting. now im scared, that theres going to be all this happen again, with another girl thats not me. i never tried to break them up, i was better then that. but now what? what do i do... do i try to make him want me ? ... what do i do  ? D:

What?

Hang on, what? where is that strong sense of desire? where's the pain when you spoke about her? where's the butterflies when I told someone new about you tonight? where's the longing to hold you, to take you in my arms, to kiss you, to feel you, to be you? where is it? where is the sense of worthlessness because you don't want me? Where's the jealousy? where is all the things that made me hurt for you?

It's been a while since a total and good conversation with him, feelings are slightly, slightly, fading. He isn't the first thing I think of anymore..
but, I work with him tonight.
All progress out the window.

AARGH!!!

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUCK!!! what do I do ? oh god! the idea for that month without him was supposed to be the time i let him go. but no. i saw him last week, and was like. fuck. so i started again! and i saw him today. and he hugged me. so tightly. god i wanted to cry. i tried to hide from him at work. i didnt want to see him. but even though he wasnt working he came to find me, and heald me. i wanted him. so badly. i :( oh god i was doing so well. until i saw him. his smile. his jokes. it doesnt matter, what he does he makes me happy. he made me so happy. but then he left. i didnt want him to leave. but he left. to go have dinner with her. I HATE HER!!!!!! oh ... god. it hurt. and i couldnt help myself. after he left.. i... i did something, stupid. fucking stupid. it didnt stop the pain! nothing can stop me from hurting when it comes to him.

SOMEONE PLEASE PPLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!    i cant do this anymore. i just cant. 

I know that anything that is supposed to be will be, or anything that is, is supposed to be... But somehow I can't help but think that somewhere, somehow...something went completely wrong. and that's why there's suicide, that is why we all hate ourselves, that's why we're in love with people who will never love us the way we need them too. That somehow, god, or fate, or whatever the fuck you want to call it... made a huge mistake, and now there's nothing worth living up too anymore because it's all wrong, and for some reason, we're not fit for the live we've been given. 

I've been breaking down so easily lately. and I don't know how to make the pain stop. 

I've been searching.

Tracing over the blogs, the diaries the texts messages. trying to find the precise time that I fell for you..

It's unfortunate though, it wasn't just a sudden thing. It built up... There was no certain time. One day I was in love... 
and it's been like that ever since. 
I won't ever forget you. 

can someone please, please, tell me how to deal with this. I've never felt so miserable. 

Fuckfuckfuckfuck...

God damn it. I needed that time, I thought he wasn't going to be there! fuck! I had to go into work to collect some money and they said that it was just those two on tonight. so i assumed he wasn't there! but he was staying back late. so i saw him :( it was good, because, he tried to calm me down, he put his hands on me. just a friendly gesture. but... it hurts . now.i just. i cant do this anymore.

When you held my hand today.

I know you just needed to write something on it, but...

it just felt so right. 

Sorry.

It's been a while, since I've written in this blog, sort of anyways. I think it is because i have mainly just been writing down my little thoughts on my tumblr. and whatever, but god. Nothing is better that this blog, this blog is where I completely let everything out. everything, I pour my heart out to you, no one outside knows anything about how I feel except those who read this. I think it's because no one I know can see this, if anyone I knew had seen this, god.. I would be so lost. Not even my closests friends know about this blog. god, its disgusting how I can't trust them.. not a single one.
Everything has been building up lately, everything. There is so much going on and all its doing is causing me pain. I want you. I want you... I know, it's back to him yet again, but I want him. so much, so much more than anything i have ever wanted in my life, so much more... he doesn't understand, I know he doesn't. he doesn't even care, he never replies to me anymore, hell. I don't even know if he see's me anymore. I've looked at the staff rosters, and because he is on annual leave soon-ish, and I don't see him at all next week it means I've got about 3 weeks/a month without seeing him, I know i wont get any text messages, or calls, or anything. I don't want to send him anything either, I'm trying to de tatch, remain in complete NOCONTACT, for the next however long I have without him. .. but I know i can't do that, during the time he is away it's his birthday. and I can't ignore that, I can't ignore the birth of such a beautiful human on this planet. I plan to keep my message short and simple.
"Happy Birthday. Have a wonderful day, thank you for everything. I love you! : D"
He doesn't understand when I say I love him.. How much I mean it. ah fuck.
He's been so playfull with me lately, today. I went up to him and I was like "Hey, I'm not gonna see you for ages, give me a hug"... so I hugged him. he heald me so tightly, I never wanted to let go. it was perfect. beautiful. I wanted him.
back to the birthday thing. I want to get him a present, of course. i wanted to go all out, but his girlfriend will do that. I cant do that. he doesnt belong to me. god he loves her so much. it was her birthday not long ago, he bought her all these cute things, including a bracelet with their names engraved on it, and arranged it so she found it in a cute way. I tortured myself by asking.
I want to write him a letter, well a card. and say something like.
"Hey you! Happy Birthday! :D I hope you had a fantastic day. I wanted to say thank you for being so epic and making me smile even when no one else could, thanks for being there for me and listening to me blabber on about shit all the time. you're an amazing friend, and god I am so happy to have you in my life. thank you for everything. Love you long time (; xoxo"
should i? god. I don't know.
why does writing all that make me feel so much better? its just bullshit.

moving on, my body. i hate it so much right now. I don't know whats wrong with me. there is so many imperfections. and i mean so many. I even have fucking rashes and shit now. :/ god. oh well.  just another thing to add to the list of things i hate about myself.
thank you, for reading :/ I'm so sorry.

I don't know what to do anymore..

I love him. when I don't see him, I;m okay... well kind of, I don't hurt, I don't think about it so  much, i force it into the back of my mind and pretend like it isn't there. but when, when you are here.. you're all I think about, I can't help it, I can't push it away. you come into my life and you talk about her, all the sweet stuff you do. all the.. everything. and I can't breathe and I want to cry. and I want you to grab me and either hold me and say you love me, or just kill me. because you are, you're killing me so slowly. I don't know what to do anymore . I don't want to try... I can't do it for much longer. I need to get away.
forever. 

I'm so sick of everything. I hate fucking everything. I'm sick of one.
fuck. you. all. ugh. you're all the same.

I'm tired of being in love. it shouldn't hurt like this.

Whats the reason behind trying?!
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. 

I don't see the point anymore.

I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't smile... I can't get away from these feelings, they chase me everywhere. They echo your name. I can't get away from you. ugh. fuck. I can't get away from my own head. I can't block things out. Something little happens and I want to cry, I do cry and it keeps happening, because I keep thinking about how fucking useless I am. I can't even... there's no point to anything anymore. I can't be fucked trying because no matter how hard I try I fail. no matter what the fuck I do... I fail. I'm failing maths. I'm failing biology. I'm failing art. I'm failing at living. I'm failing at happiness. I'm failing at having you. I just. I'm failing. I'm just a failed attempt at everything. Why don't I get it? why can't I have you.. justt once. you?

Nothing in the world.

I want nothing more than you. nothing more than being able to hold your hand. I want nothing more than feeling your chest, listening to your heart beat in my ears, because for that, I feel safe. I want nothing more than you to hold me close. Be with me. Love me. I don't want anything in the entire world as much as I want you.
you. 
it's all for you. 

Last night.

When he was telling me about her, what she's doing, i thought I hated her because 'I would never be like that..'
But then a realised why, why I hate her so much.
It's because I would, I would do the exact same things, I'd be exactly like her, I'd be everything you want if you'd just take the chance.
I hate her because I would be the same, and you still chose her.

The past few weeks.

They've been a blur, a painful one- I don't know, I've been hurting excessively lately, I don't know why, I don't really understand it... The amount of times I have/havenearly cried, in the past few weeks is ridiculous, I'm so stressed about everything, and I'm having trouble finding the light in any of the situations that keep popping up. I haven't seen 'him', so.. thats a plus... I suppose. god, i can't wait till this is over- I want this pain to stop.

I want you to lose me,
so you realize just how much you need me.

I didn't know how I felt.

But not to worry. one glance in your direction. one second in your presence, reminds me of that. of exactly how I feel.

The conversation.

Him: "whats up sis? haven't seen you in ages :( missing you"- it's been a week.
Me: Haha, awh. Hey, I miss you too. xD yeah i know right D: it's really shit when we don't work together. sup?"
Him: You know you're my sis ay. wouldn't let nothing happen to you :) never leave you sis"
Me: You drunk or something? awh. thaanks. love you long time. thanks for everything (:
him: I'm a little drunk. but I'll love you long time xoxox
me:hahahah. thought you might be. good to know man. i'll show you these messages when you sober up. you type fantastic for a drunk person.
him: ur a beautiful girl ay. u stress too much bout finding someone. just b urself.
Me: thaanks. but i'm really not at all. i'm not worried about finding anyone, i'm just sick of being the yucky one no one wants.
Him; ur not yucky. you're sexy.
me:hahahahahaha. you're so drunk. you make me laugh. i cant wait to show you these messages. /
him:i'm serious. youre gorgeous. u'll find someone great.
me;:yeahyeah whatevs bruss.
him: to tell you da truth, if i werent in a relationship i'd be hitting you up.
me: suuuure. ahha. you're so retarted.
NO REPLY.

SEEE!!!! I AM SO FUCKING CONFUSED!! GAH. I can't say that what he said didn't make me smile . of course it did, he called me beautiful again- then i suppose he was drunk. ugh. either way. he was drunk. but, i crossed his mind? that means soemthing to me, which is probably why i got so deep into my feelings. because i make nothing into something. just. argh. i was finally accepting that i'm never going to have a chance with him. now he is saying that! the not being in a relationship. i know he was just trying to make me feel better but now i'm going to be fucking waiting around FOR LONGER! for him to see. i don't know how i feel right now.. it's kind of like... i've got a chance. hold on. and then there is like...  fuck you. fuck you for confusing me and mucking with my fucking brain you retard!

I love him though... I wish he understood what i mean when I say things like "love you long time..." he'll never get it. I wish he knew.

Reading through the old messages,

my god, so much has changed.

I hope when you leave, it makes you realize.

How much you miss/need/love/ want... me.
I hope you have an epiphany. I love you.

A scary few days.

I haven't been able to access my blog, I still can't via googlechrome- so I'm using Internet explorer. I don't know why it's not working otherwise? Oh well, i don't really care. as long as i can get onto it somehow. I was scared, I didn't realize how much of a venting system this really is for me.

It's wrong.

It's not right to be so in love with someone that you can't think about anything else, that you can't breathe when you're with them, that they are your whole entire world...
and they don't even know.

Alone.

I suppose there's some kind of apathy here.
some detrimental deafening silence. something evil that lingers between my heart and your words.
I guess there is always a reason for letting people disappear from your life, and my god am I afraid. Why is there no reason to try anymore? because you and your soul mate have disappeared from my life, because all the things that matter don't?
I'm not dealing with the pain like I should be, I just want out.
I want to be alone.

I told someone new about you today.

free

lets disappear, spread your wings- we're out of here, there's nothing left, but no one's gone, you're what I know, but it all seems wrong.
There's voices calling, in the dead of night, silence stammering through the light. There's people watching from behind their masks, breathing into their frozen hearts.
There's a catch phrase here, and a rhyme to fit, an evil fear and a on a line it fits.
Write with me, we'll spend the days, walking together through streets and lanes, alone in their business, afraid in themselves, like old rusty toys all stacked on a shelf.
We're nothing but everything that lingers inside, the truth of what we're trying to hide, so take it from me- there's not a reason to see.
when everything here is as simple as free. 

Nothing really seems to matter that much anymore.
I've nearly cried so many times in the past few days.
Just at thought of a life without you.
help me.

I'm scared. I don't think I can do this.

The worst part of this..

Is that I don't even know for sure if you are leaving.
It's only a "likely possibility"
I'm preparing for the worst I suppose, I guess though... even if you decide you're going to leave.
It's going to hurt so much more than this.

I'm kind of hanging... hanging on the edge of the universe.

I'm about to fall,
see what you've done to me?
Then again I suppose it's not your fault that I rely on you as much as I do. 

I can't do this alone.

I don't know who I am without you.

Without you, I wouldn't be crazy, or happy, or mental.
I wouldn't laugh at the littlest things,
you're the one person that can brighten up my day.
The one person that can make me smile when I'm hurting.
The one person that can turn my pain into something funny.

So what happens when you're gone?
What do I do when you leave?

I'm so tired of people walking out on me.

Just because you can't see it.

Doesn't mean the pain you tried to rid away isn't there anymore

I just don't care anymore. about anything.

I sat alone today.

My eyes filled with tears, and I breathed again as my eyes swallowed them away.
I pictured you waving. I pictures our last day together.
Just a hug, and then you were gone.
Tears swelled again, I wanted to cry so much today, so many times. I wanted to call you and tell you how much I love you.
Beg you to stay.
I pictured me in a hospital bed, dying from something, you by my side, telling me to stay, as i died i wrote down the address for this blog.
"Every bit, it's all there... it's all for you" I said.
tears again.
I pictured writing a note for you. "I've loved you for so long, you never understood the strength of it, you never understood my pain, I'm in love with you- But I hope no matter what happens, ever- I hope you find happiness"
- writing the note, and walking away, never being seen again.
More tears.
and worse of all, I pictured saying goodbye, there was no emotional long situations, or tears on your part, or pain, or care... that's what hurt the most.
I pictured a goodbye... then realised once again. How little I mean.

Get me out of here.

It will be over soon... right?

Did you guess?

He's leaving, he's moving away, changing jobs, probably- he said- with her, all for her. I hate her you know? She stole my chances of being with him, now she's stealing my chances of being even friends with him.
You know the part thats worse? He's telling me that he isn't going to dice- that he'll still text me and drop by sometimes. He's promising me. But I don't want him to, he'll forget, he'll change his number or run out of credit. and just like everyone else, there will come a point when he's just over it, he just can't be fucked anymore.
"I promise I won't be like the others! This is one promise I won't break"
"but thats what everyone else said!"
"I'm not everyone else though..." No, but he's everything else. God, I wish he understood how much he means to me. I wish I understood it myself.
I hate breathing right now, I'm crying, sort of, every breath hurts- not even metaforically, it physically hurts.
PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!


I need him, I do, I need him. I wish I had a friend to cry to right now, yeah- I just need someone to sit down with me that I can complain to, and cry to, and blabber about my irrational fears and pointless pain, someone I can trust that will simply tell me "yeah that sucks-" rather than trying to make it better by saying shit about how he's just a boy and I'm only young, and I'll get over it.
I know.
It's true- BUT THATS NOT WHAT I FUCKING NEED RIGHT NOW!!!!

Why does everyone leave? why do i have some fucked up fantasy in my head that people are going to stay forever. nothing lasts forever. nothing ever will.

I don't understand why I want him to stay so much, why it hurts so much, why i think i need him so much?
I've thought this before, not the same way, but i've thought that i have depended on someone who left me, i turned out fine without them. but it doesnt change a thing. not right now.

what am i going to do without you? the same thing I did last time, I suppose- find new reasons, new friends, new people to fall in love with. and what? watch them fucking leave too!?? yeah awesome fucking plan. aarhh!!
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUUUUCCKKK!!!! :(


maybe its for the best? maybe god is ridding you from my life, so i can finally move on- maybe something good will come from this- but right now, i just cant feel happy.

god, i love you so much. with everything of me, and you're leaving for her!???!?!?!?!?? i COULD BE SO MUCH BETTER. 
I wouldn't make you stay up and talk to me because I felt sooky,i wouldn't. I could be so so so so fucking much better. 
I want to slice into my skin, cut myself open, hurt, i want to burn because anything is better than this, I swear- ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN THIS!!
No, no this isn't fair :( don't leave me. please don't leave me. I don'y know what I'm going to do without you-

it brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. take me away, someone take me away- move me now, i hate the wait... you know, when you know someones leaving? and they have a few months before they disappear from your life? those months are so painful, because you know all that time is just more memories to hold onto, more laughs, more hugs, more playfights, you know that they're going to haunt you when they finally leave. Then you end up wishing that they would just go, right now, right this very second, just drop you- fuck you off- at least then you don't have to deal with the waiting. the knowing that the end is right around the corner..
Yeah, I know i should enjoy the time whilst i have it? BUT HOW THE FUCK CAN I?! WHEN YOU'RE LEAVING, WHEN YOU'RE GOING AWAY, WHEN YOU'RE DISAPPEARING.... WHEN I DON'T MATTER ANYMORE!!????

How can i possibly enjoy that, HOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOW!!!????

Anyone who reads this tonight, i beg of you to talk to me, help me. I can't breathe right now, I need someone, anyone.
please please understand. please help me. this hurts so much.

Overreaction? I don't give a fuck, I want to die;

Please god, you sick sadistic fucking asshole, please, take away the pain or fucking kill me. 
I don't know how much longer I can cope. 

Go ahead, FUCK OFF!

Go, leave, fuck off out of my life, delete my number from your phone, never talk to me again- If you're going to leave, do it properly.
Maybe then I'd have a chance of letting you go.

You love her so much.

It hurts me so much.

For some fucked up reason I have this fucking idea in my stupid fucking head, that when you meet someone perfect, when you meet someone that you fucking need- I have this stupid fucking fantasy, that they're going to fucking stay! what. the. fuck.

IS WRONG WITH ME?!!

But you're everything.

"But I'm not everyone! I won't do what they did"...
"Yes you are..." and yes, yes you will. 

You're just making another promise, you know you're not going to keep.

Everyone who has ever said they care, has ended up leaving, guess you're just another one of those.

Who was I kidding,to think that someone would possibly stick around...

for me?

I believe that eyes, are what define a person.

When I look at your eyes.
I see perfection.

I hope one day you love me like I love you.

I hope you understand one day, how much it hurts, to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back- to watch them go from one person to another, to another, to another. I hope you understand how painful it is when not one of those girls, is me?

Sometimes, like now- I stop and think, what if we actually were together? would it be strange, awkward, weird? now... because we've been friends for too long, because we're too close? because we've referred to each other as "sister, brother?".... I don't know, I don't know what it would be like. Maybe I'll go away for a couple of years, and come back- a whole new person, changed from the inside out and the outside in. Maybe I'll do that, maybe then your fairytale will be over, and maybe you will want me, maybe then I'll be worth something.
I love you .
I hope you understand one day.

because who would want someone like that?

Not a single soul. 

What happened to the little girl?

"She's there somewhere.."
No, no she's not, what happened to the little girl? Somewhere along the way she grew up, she forgot what it was like to love, somewhere along the way...
she stopped believing. 

Kiss me.

It started with a look, a joke, a laugh- you stared into my eyes, and playfully pushed me away...
 Then inside, we tackled, "Give me the crate!" I giggled, you pulled it away, we fought, my arms around your back, you biting my hands. All playfully, all a joke, but then.. then you turned around... you faced me.
I looked into your eyes again, I wanted to push you against the wall, kiss you, hold you, I wanted you to take my face in your hands and kiss me, tell me that it was always me.

Instead I turned away, "fine".... I gave up. I walked away..
Because I knew, I know- won't ever want me the way I want you.

It feels like forever.

How long will it take me to accept that I have lost you to her...
and I'm never going to have you?
How long will it take me to let you go?

It's never going to change.

So keep your head high, and your hopes low-
because there is no point being sad anymore.

Your voice

Is the most beautiful sound in the world,
so why must I feel like crying when I hear it?

one in a billion.

One person in the world shouldn't be so perfect,
when the rest of us have to be normal.

Your eyes...

Are the deepest oceans of blue.
& I'm drowning in their perfection.

Your voice was so cold... What did I do wrong this time?

What once was...

Is not there anymore, take a look around- at all the empty spaces, at all the vacant eyes, at all the fear, anguish, nothingness.
Take a good hard look at everything there used to be,
And understand that it's not ever going to be the same.

You are not ready.

I know you're not ready to take a leap that could save you,
because you're too lost in your own self pity.
And without your pain... you're nothing.
you're no one.

Are you scared?

There is never one person that is ready to take a stand for you,
because every one person is afraid of judgment.

Somewhere..

Somewhere here, there's undefined potential, something worth living for & something worth dying for.
If I could only figure out what was what, then maybe things would somehow fall into place.

Hey, take a look at this.

If i read from the start of my blog forward- I can retrace my steps of falling in love with you-
if you ever find out, if you ever ask why-
I'll show you.

Things aren't the way they were before...

I've changed, into scary things, evil things. I'm mean, scared, hurt... all the time.
I don't know what happened, along the way somewhere- I got lost with you, now everything that used to matter, doesn't...
and all the things that never did matter- do.
All of it, every single thing that used to mean something to me is replaced by you.
god, I hope that one day- you will be a memory, "that what you meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard."

I need something. ugh, you are ALWAYS IN MY HEAD- all the time, the only thing, when I'm running, when I'm writing, when I'm calculating or working or eating - when I sleep.
you're ALWAYS there. some memory of you, laughing, or us fighting- even though we're over those fights- the memories are still there- eating at me, wishing i hadn't said whatever I said wrong.
the part that hurts the most is that I know that all the while I'm sitting here crying, hurting, over you-
you're sitting there, her in your arms, smiling away. one big happy ending.

i hate this so much.

These little words.

"Hey, how are you?"
"Good and you?"
"Yeah good aye"
"Can I talk to you, I mean- seriously talk- I have something I need to say, you're not going to like it, but I need to say it, you need to hear it... it's honest- so all I ask is that you don't judge what I have to say, that you listen to everything... and promise me this won't ruin our friendship. This has taken all the courage in the world, and I'm so afraid it's going to fuck things up... I can't keep this inside anymore...."
"Okaay? go ahead"
"I love you... more than a "brother" ... I'm in love with you. I have been for months, nearly a year now. I was there for you through everything, I'll always be there for you. I watched you go from loving her, to fucking her, to loving her again, to losing her, to loving another, and all the while I sat back and watched, listened to your stories, about their perfection & their flaws. I sat back. I listened, I conforted you- while inside I was screaming. "LOOK AT ME GOD DAMN IT! LOOK!"- but you never looked, you never saw, you never noticed. I was there for you through everything, and then I found out how little i meant to you- and yeah, it hurt me a lot. But i never said anything, maybe I did- never seriously though , only in a joking way- but you never picked up the truth behind it.
the honest truth is, what I'm trying to say is that I'll do anything, I'll sit there in pain as long as you're happy, if you would just give me a chance to make you happy. I'd do everything. I'd do anything. I've never felt this way before, I wish I could let you go.... but I can't. I've tried- tried to be mad at you so I can't talk to you, but you have a way of keeping me happy. I know you're with her, I know she makes you happy- but please, please give me a chance...
I love you . with all that I am.... please, tell me you love me back...."

I wish you could see this, and know it's about you- I wish you would read it, and come running up to me. telling me you feel exactly the same,  i wish i had the courage to have this conversation. 
I wish i wasn't in love. 

The Last Thing I Said To you...

I hate you..
I was joking of course.. but there was some truth in it.
I hate you.
I hate that you have the ability to make me feel like this.
I hate you, for not wanting me.
I hate you for making her happy.
I hate you for making me want you.
I hate you for loving me only as a sister.
I hate you for being unreachable.
I hateyouIhateyouIhateyou...
But what I hate the most?
Me, I hate me- how I could let myself hurt so much over you... god I wish you knew how I felt.

And then, after a while- you become addicted to the pain, to the rush. You need it, it's what makes you, you... it's what keeps you going.

You, you, you.

you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you ....
why don't YOU know who YOU are?

I'm pretty sure that every post I've written since around October last year, has had something to do with you. See? do you fucking see it? what you've done to me.

You don't have the right to make me feel like this.

Please, stop it. stop making me feel useless. I don't feel like there is a reason for anything anymore, I know its stupid but...
I feel like because you don't want me.
I don't have a reason to be here anymore.
I don't have a reason to fight.

You're everything to me.

.... and I'm just a bookmark in one of your pages.

It's all for you... Every last bit.

Even the things that hurt me, that things that I swore I'd never do, or say, or feel. 
For you, everything changed . 
and you don't even fucking notice. 

You don't want me to be in love with you?

... Then don't smile at me. Don't wave to me. Don't touch me, or talk to me, or play, or laugh, or feel, or dance, or sing, or ask....
Just disappear, maybe then I'll have a chance of letting go.

I wish I wasn't sober, maybe then I'd have more fun... and I loathe her, she has everything I want... and I hold him, but only in my mind, he never says what I want to hear half the time.

- Caterin Maxwell (original song)

I can't explain it.

The immensity of love that I have fallen in.
Everything about you makes my heart ache for your acceptance.
do you laugh as much with her? does she make you smile that crooked smile?
I wish you could see it,
I wish you would... and feel the same way.

I don't know what to feel anymore.
I just want someone to love me.
when I saw you today.
i.. I melted, you're so beautiful.
I could make you happy, god, please let me make you happy!!

Why is it that the one person that can make me happy, is too busy making someone else happy?

That hurt a little more than it should have.

Tonight, a girl I work with said to me about the boy I love "god, him and his girlfriend are so cute hey?"
I responded with "Fucks me, I never see them"
"yeah... but he just seems so happy"
"yeah.."
God, I can't even explain how that felt- it hurt so much, I couldn't fucking breathe- I wanted to cry, I'm happy he's happy. of course- but why her ?
She talked about him a lot tonight, like- all the stuff they talk about and shit.
I got hurt by that too, I thought he and i were the only ones like that, it was my special friendship, and it took me so long to get that- she's been there, what ? a month?
and he's developed probably a a stronger friendship with her in that time- he's told her stuff already, that it took me so fucking long to hear.
Why don't people like me?
Whats wrong with me?
why do people replace me so easily?
why am i not good enough for anyone?
I feel terrible, I want to cry- i want someone to want me. I want a real friend, someone i can turn to when I'm hurting, please god-
send me a special friend, just for me, just one special friend, that won't leave me, that won't replace me, that won't hurt me over and over....
thats all i want.

Floating on air... right ?

You drift through my head, like the wind sweeping through the winter air, cold- unsatisfying.
You evade my mind, smother me, submerge me, I'm lost inside my head.
You wander, and search the ally ways of my mind, finding secrets only you could find.
You whisper words of criticism, I can feel you breathing.
You're alone inside yourself, inside my mind- you're scratching to the surface.
You eat away at my lungs, making it hard for me to breathe.
Your voice washes through me like the pounding droplets of rain,
your words slapping the sidewalks- leaving their imprints, forever tattooed into the ground.
You're disappearing now, like smoke through the air, I can see you fading away into nothingness.
You're snaking your way through the clouds, soaking up their emptiness, you're nothing now.

And now I open my eyes to the blinding light, finding in truth how alone, I am- how alone I've always been.
You lifted me up from six feet under, flew me into the clouds on your back- I let you, and of course, you left me there- on a cloud, and of course.
I fell right through.
I'm still falling, I think you keep me from hitting the ground..
for now.

When you see the boy you love, with the girl he loves.

I'm tired of being tired.

I haven't slept properly in days, there was s moment there when I thought I was moving on, it's been reinforced once again, that I'm not.
Boy, you want my truth? I'll be one hundred and fifty percent honest with you.
I think. I don't know- I think That I'm in love with you.
when you laugh, it makes me happy, if you're laughing at me- or with me.
I love your eyes, the way you look at me, the pureness.
You make me happy, so happy- when I'm sad & you're around, you're the one person who can bring me up again, but as soon as you're gone (or you bring her up)- I'm hurting again.
When we argue, i freak out that you're going to be mad at me, but then we joke around more, and it's over.
When you're sad, all I want to do, is hold you- hug you, kiss you and make everything better, when you're sad- my heart hurts, I hate seeing you sad and angry, it transfers to me.
I know your hands and arms, that sounds stupid, but they have such a you look about them.
I don't sleep anymore, I'm up all night thinking if you, smiling because of the fun we have, saddening because you're not mine.
When I do sleep I dream about you, when I wake up I'm thinking about you. Whenever I hear your name floods of memories fill my head, all I want is to be with you- to hold you in my arms.
I've accepted all your flaws- because they are apart of you, you are far from perfect- some things about you are just... i don't know. anyways, i've accepted everything, and realised that all your flaws are what i'm looking for. I want someone EXACTLY like you. I don't want a perfect guy. I just want you.

I wish I could say this to your face. 
but I'm in love with you. 
I know everything about you. 
I accept your flaws and love your traits. 
I don't think I'll ever find someone quite like you.
If there was a guarantee, or even a CHANCE that I could have you, I'd do anything. anything at all. 
I don't think I've ever wanted someone/thing so much in my life. 
And this is hurting me boy... This is breaking me into millions of tiny pieces. 
and I just don't want to fight anymore. 

Someone take the pain away.

It's burning you know? and it physically hurts, that spot right in between your chest, right in the middle, stinging, someone is stabbing you, killing you... and I know exactly who it is.
Funny though, how I can't stop you, I often think- if you were physically here, with your knife, slashing away- that maybe I would be able to stop you, I'd fight you off and run away, I'd kill you before you had the chance to kill me.
But you're not, you're not right with me, slashing me open, no. you're somewhere happy, and somehow with your strength you're burning me inside, I can't breathe. and I can't stop you,
you know the worst part is?
that you have no idea what you do, that you watch me with that smirk, and it hurts me everytime.
I'm sick of being put fourth, fifth, tenth, twentieth- when I put you first. I'm over hurting because you don't stress that "I'm beautiful".. or don't disagree when I say things like what I say.
God, I hate you- far too much.
I don't get it, i don't...
FUCK EVERYTHING.

And the hardest part of all this is letting things go, I'm scrambling for the right words to say, sometimes I'm floating in amongst the gasses- I don't think I'll be here for much longer-
It's almost like there's a fire burning me out from the inside, oh believe me its disgusting, I'm no longer apart of who I used to be, I'm exactly what I never knew-
the opposite of the honest truth.
Yeah tell me now, type across that keyboard, write your heart away breathe in and out until there's nothing left anymore.
Breathe in and out until you've replaced your oxygen with Co2 and you're dying from the inside out.
from the outside in, is a different story, cracks in the pavemnt are stealing you. you're slipping away now, you thought you were something- you never realized how wrong you were.
you're just one in thirty thousand. you'll never be strong enough. sorry.
but its true.

I feel like I'm falling apart.

"What if we last forever?"
No, No please don't last forever. give me a chance to make you happy. Give me a chance to hold you to my chest and tell you you're beautiful.
Please understand, that I don't want to ruin your perfect relationship, I don't ever want to see you sad- if it meant that if you left her, if you couldn't be w- if that made you sad, then... then I wouldn't take you. I'd never even try. But I truly believe that you would be happy with me.
I... I could be better. please,
please understand. I'll do whatever to myself- change in everyway possible.
Just to have you.