Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Weirdly okay?

Yesterday I went out with friends, we went ice skating and I saw a movie, and for the first time in a long time, everything kind of felt okay. we went and had sushi, that was a  bit of  a downer, because i remembered when we went and ate together, then just pictured him with her, all those things... but i pushed it out of my mind. and I felt okay.
it was so weird. I decided to keep telling myself, that he's really not that great, and that there IS something better. I keep saying it to myself. even though every single time i do, it's like... all these memories, and all these things that he said, and how he acts.. and just everything about him... it all creeps up and tells me that i know that's not true. but it's almost like... i'm starting to believe that he isn't that great, just because of how much pain he has caused me.. it's like i don't believe in him anymore.
maybe that's a good thing... but then again, maybe its just because i don't believe in anything anymore. I just find things kind of useless these days. I do miss him, I hate...i hate sitting here, not texting him, because i'm trying to avoid talking to him so i can let him go, but i know he's sitting with her not texting me... because he hasn't even thought of me. i think thats so unfair. i've decided that even if he does, i'm not going to reply, i'm going to do what he does to me... he only talks to me when he's lonely anyway.
I was talking to my friend about it, and for once, she actually listened like she cared... like... she listened, and i asked her . "am i fucking crazy, did i psychoalayize it into something that it wasn't..? or was there actually signs that he might have been interested..?" and, i know her, she's honest... like. honest. she doesn't fuck around, she's bluntly honest. and she even said. "there was signs that fucked you around"..
ugh. at least i know i'm not crazy. i do miss him. but it's like. fuck. i'm so scared of accidental confrontation, seeing him in town, or calling work and he answers, or him calling me from work to ask about something to do WITH work. i really can't hear from him, or talk to him, or see him... in this next month i need the space. i'm thinking about deleting my facebook for a while as well. just until i see him again, that way, he cant contact me, or see me or anything, and i wont have the urge to look him up. or see what he's doing, and then be upset that its with her and not me.
ugh. i feel crazy :/ i guess i've gotta do what i've gotta do. my emotions are so out of whack.
i don't know what i'm feeling anymore.

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