Wednesday, April 27, 2011

And the hardest part of all this is letting things go, I'm scrambling for the right words to say, sometimes I'm floating in amongst the gasses- I don't think I'll be here for much longer-
It's almost like there's a fire burning me out from the inside, oh believe me its disgusting, I'm no longer apart of who I used to be, I'm exactly what I never knew-
the opposite of the honest truth.
Yeah tell me now, type across that keyboard, write your heart away breathe in and out until there's nothing left anymore.
Breathe in and out until you've replaced your oxygen with Co2 and you're dying from the inside out.
from the outside in, is a different story, cracks in the pavemnt are stealing you. you're slipping away now, you thought you were something- you never realized how wrong you were.
you're just one in thirty thousand. you'll never be strong enough. sorry.
but its true.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I feel like I'm falling apart.

"What if we last forever?"
No, No please don't last forever. give me a chance to make you happy. Give me a chance to hold you to my chest and tell you you're beautiful.
Please understand, that I don't want to ruin your perfect relationship, I don't ever want to see you sad- if it meant that if you left her, if you couldn't be w- if that made you sad, then... then I wouldn't take you. I'd never even try. But I truly believe that you would be happy with me.
I... I could be better. please,
please understand. I'll do whatever to myself- change in everyway possible.
Just to have you.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Piano Keys & Guitar Strings.

Create a noise, play it well,
sing to me, release this hell.
Feel with me, play your strings.
Piano Keys, bizzare flings.
Hold me close, tight to your chest.
Build me warm, create a nest.
Play your music, get on your knees.
Play piano keys & guitar strings.

Sometimes it feels like there's nothing.

Sometimes it feels like there is nothing left of me,
Like I'm just a string of emotion floating on the clouds.
Sometimes it feels like no one can see me, or hear my calls.
Sometimes I feel alone, like there was never anyone around to begin with.
These days it's like I'm nothing... It's like..
Like I'm music, sounds wavers through my body,
what body?

It's always been there.

That fear of falling in love. That admiration of people who are so beautiful within themselves.
I walked into the sunlight, it shot sparks of yellow across my face, it screeched at me, it told me to be beautiful.
Sorry, but I don't think it's going to work. 
Light swirled around me this time, the smell of fresh morning air, the wind shuddering through the tree's. Everything felt perfect, I'd been avoiding the sun at all costs.
But everything felt perfect.
For a moment, I didn't think perfect would hurt - or bring tears to my eyes.
It did.
Perfect isn't what people think it is.

I feel like I am burning.

Like there's some sort of flame, tearing me apart from the inside. It's picking at my skin you know?
It's eating me alive.
That flame, that spark. It all started with a smile.
And it all disappeared, I can't breathe entirely well anymore, it's like someone is choking me. all the time.
they never stop.
god you never stop do you?
Today, I fought against all the things that hurt me the most .
I fought against the entire world.
And I fought alone. I stood up for me.
And I spoke up for what I believed in.
And as usual, No one bothered to listen.
I don't know how to do it.
I don't know how to fall out of love.
I'm hoping that one day, it will all vanish. All my memories of you. All the pain that goes along with it.
I'm hoping that one day I'll forget;
The precise colour of your eyes, how they swim with blue, how the edges seep into oceans of sparkling white.
How you would smile, the little crease when you were trying to pretend to be angry, the angle of your eyebrows when you'd look up at me.
I'm hoping I'll forget;
The little shaving scratches you leave on your face, the short stubby hair that grows on your face.
The bubble next to your ear. The way your hair looks when its messy.
The lenght of your fingers. The birthmarks on your arms.
I hope I forget ; The way you walk.
The vains in your arms.
More than anything. I hope I'll forget how you made me feel, the times we laughed, the stories we told... and your voice.
I hope I'll forget the best sound in the world.
When you wait around itching, listening with every ounce of your being, for the sound of a message. contact from you.
I always start it. You never bother anymore. Remember when i meant something?
What? You just can't be fucked anymore?
I just don't matter anymore?
I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as her. Or whatever the fuck she is.
Ugh, I'm not angry now. Now its starting to hurt like fuck.

Why ? Why can't you hear it in my voice, or see it in my eyes when you talk about her? I make it so obvious. Yet you're so fucking oblivious. If I truly meant anything to you.
then you'd know when you're hurting me. you would know when to stop.
But you don't. because I don't.
I don't mean a thing.
I'm just the girl you can borrow money off. Or complain to when you're sad, or bitch to when you're pissed off.
Just that girl who you know is willing to put up with all your fucking mood swings, your teasing... Just so I can catch a glimps of that smile.
you mean the world to me.
I mean nothing... nothing at all to you.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I hope, that for some reason- or for no reason seen,
that this post is bringing back a memory of something that once made you  smile.
I hope this made you smile.
Have you ever thought that maybe we're not cut out for the life we've been given?
That maybe there was a mistake, or a problem at the "factory" of life? Have you ever believed that, maybe there was no reason that we're here? That there was fuck up and we've just been...
Not meant to be here.
If you have, then understand.. that you're not the only one who's felt this.
we all feel as if we don't belong.
we all prove ourselves wrong.
Things feel like elastic. Pulling in, snapping out. Everything is out of focus, but it's all so acutely real.
My dreams are chasing me like hounds, with every lunge they get closer...
I'm not too sure how I feel..
Like a robot perhaps? I go day to day, walking my routine, and and night I sit with my usual book, blog, or game.
And I do this every day. I'm over the same thing. School.Work.Home.School.Work.Home.Fitin.School.Work.Home.
Life is.. well it's boring. There is nothing really amazing happening, no big insane changes.
Only little ones- little ones that break me, and hurt and make me cry.

What I want is a change big enough to overwrite all the little ones.
A change big enough to make life exciting.
To change everything. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Does it mean as much to you as it does to me?
Our crazy laughing outbursts. 
Our teasing, touching, playing. 
Our name-calling, bullying, joking?
does it mean as much to me as it does to you?

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of hurting on days that are supposed to bring people happiness.. I'm sick of waiting around for people, giving them all the faith and hope in the world- giving them everything i could ever give... and being let down. I'm tired of not learning my lessons, and giving people chances. I'm tired of wanting to hide from everything. I'm sick of feeling.
feeling anything.
I don't want to do this anymore.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

As the bus pulled away I stared out at the greenery, "Stop!" I wanted to scream, someones still coming. But I didn't, because I was already on the bus. I thought for a moment that I had missed it, then I realized where I was.
I watched the surroundings get smaller- looking for someone chasing after the bus..
no one came.
It wasn't until everything was completely out of focus, that I realized.
It was like I was leaving myself behind.