New blog,

I'm trying to start fresh and get everything into one email adress thing, so this is my new blogging URL. http://ablanksheetofpaperafreshstart.blogspot.com/

chances are i'll still be coming back on this to vent when something happens that i can't post, just incase that blog becomes un-private.
don't feel obligated to follow me either, i don't even know how many of you read these posts.
have a lovely day .

so i've come to the conclusion that he never liked me that way, and i'm going to keep it at that. i've sorted things out with her, so she knows now, and she said she was sorry.. kind of, but i guess it its kind of my fault, but it's also like i don't really believe her, like she knew the whole time what she was doing, even though i said it was okay. i don't know what's going on with him. he cares about me still. i guess that's enough for now.
hm. this is kind of a horrible feeling because as usual i don't know what's going on, i just know that i'm broken, so fucking broken and confused and empty, and i can't find a reason any more. it's making me crazy, but i've decided, from this day onwards- i'm not going to talk about him anymore, not to anyone, i've gone from telling no one anything, to telling anyone everything... and i've got to stop it. the only time he will be mentioned is in this blog, but other than that there will be nothing, i need to stop seeking help from every person i know, because they're all getting sick of it now.
i'm thinking of starting a new blog, dedicated to writing poetry and more poetic stream of consciousness. trying as much not to mention things in such a bold way, like- most of the writing will likely be dedicated to him, but less than this, if i get a new blog i'll post the link, doubt anyone would look at it anyway. i mean really? who gives a fuck about mt stupid fucking boy problems. i can't believe that all of this is spring from one boy, one person in the world can make you feel so useless and alone and empty.. but at the same time they can make you feel like the happiest person alive.

isn't that so strange?

I ruined it. I missed out. it's my fault. and now what? :/

unexpected.

He loved me.
well, he liked me... for a while, but i kept denying it, so he never said it.. he never told me.
i never told him.
so he moved on.
and i'm stuck here.
and... i don't know what to feel anymore.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. see what the fuck? my fucking internet is playing up and i'm stressing the fuck out, trying not to throw the fucking computer,trying not to fucking punch walls fucking fuck. i sent him a fucking message asking, not easily, if i was simply a last resort, if i'd done something wrong.i made it pretty fucking obvious that i'm fucking hurt and he didn't fucking reply. fucking fuck sake. fuck him. fuck. too fucking busy fucking her i guess. literally. dumb bitch. fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK. fucking fuck! argh!

Nothing.

I'm a last resort to him, an option. for when he is lonely, or no one else is available, i don't think he understand how much that hurts. how much everything hurts. all the time. i'm so stressed, and i can't respond to it well, at all, any time something tiny or remotely stressfull happens i break down. i nearly cry, i punch things, i punch myself... all of this for the tiniest of things. i feel so empty. i just need him to hug me so i feel better, because i just don't know how to feel normal again. i want to die because i can't find reason any more. i'm so tired. i just want to go home .


and it just goes to show, that you need me less than I need you. 

I asked god to take away the pain last night.
and tonight is just proof that whatever it is, didn't listen to me.

We haven't spoken, texted or seen each other (for more than a few seconds) in nearly three weeks.
he's online.
and hasn't even spoken to me.
so there you have it folks. i don't matter to anyone, even people who say they're friends or family or big brothers or they they love you.
you don't matter. and you are quite obviously not worth their fucking time.

however far away. I will always love you.
however long I stay. I will always love you.
whatever words I say.

I will always love you. 

are you going home to her? is she sitting on your couch, making you dinner, waiting for your kiss? are you rushing in your car to get her in your arms, are you laughing and smiling at your memories?

This is killing me.

I understand it.

Okay, so first of all what I'm going to say is don't take this, i'm not going to kill myself, i'm not going to even go there. don't worry, if you read this.

i just want to explain that i can understand how people kill themselves, i've never thought about it the way i do now. the only thing i could think was how could someone do that? hurt their families and friends and not even care, it's all a scam, a test...

but not now, i don't see that anymore. i understand now, how one can feel so horrible, so in pain, in just one second... just a matter of time, a few minutes of pain so screechingly painful, that it's just enough to take a gun and put it to your head or take a blade to your wrist.
I understand now, how a person can feel so horribly in pain, so empty, so alone, so already dead.
to take that one fucking step and end everything.

Why did she have to pick him? so many people want her, why the fuck, of all people did she have to chose him? why.... oh my god. i'm so on the verge of breaking because they were bought up, not by me- in conversation this morning, i can't stop thinking about it now, about how angry with her i am, about how fucking horrible she is to me, to the other people that she has fucked around... and the question that has me so fucking torn up inside..
why the fuck, did he chose her?

Someday's I just feel like I can't cope, and the only thing that could fix that was you being there with me. There to tell me that everything was going to be okay, or even... even just knowing that you miss me too. Even that would be enough to keep me going. But you're not.
you're not there with me.
and you don't miss me.
and those two things put together make everything seem useless and vague.
those two things put together tear me apart and... to be one hundred percent honest.
I don't know how much longer I can hold myself together.

Hm.

It's kind of funny, I had a status about him, saying something about how I should have told you earlier because it's so complicated now.
and he say:
whats troubling you sis?
awkward moment when it's you. it's always fucking you.
all my problems spring from you not wanting me. and it's tearing me down.
i don't want to be your little sister.
i want you to look at me differently.
please just love me like i love you?
come on, god, fate, whatever.... i'm begging you.
i'm begging you to change his mind. please let him change his mind.

I failed.

I gave up on this not talking thing, I couldn't do it, it was driving me insane, if I left it I knew that I wouldn't hear from him, so i sent me a message, and he replied. which... even though it wasn't quite that great a reply, it was a reply, which means he bothered I guess.
I'm weak, really really fucking weak, I know. But I missed him so much. It's only been a week. fuck. what I would do for one of his hugs. I just want a hug and a call and... just. us. I want us.
I miss him, and I'm scared that I'm going to be the one who sends the last message, i know I will be. it's me, he doesn't care.
I just..
I feel like crying all the time. there's no point in this anymore. I wish he knew. I really wish he'd understand how much he was hurting me.
I miss him.
and I just want to talk to him all day, and be with him, and stop feeling so fucking empty all the time. I need someone to make me feel better again.
I want to feel better again.

I'm in such a sad horrible mood again. I'm kind of proud of myself for ignoring him today, but what if i just seemed like a bitch? he came into work, i could see him from the corner of my eyes, waiting for me to notice him, but i stared straight ahead and pretended i didn't even know he was there. I could feel him watching me, and i just wanted to go and get a hug from him, or something...
but i didn't, i ignored him completely, and you want to know what fucking sucks the most? he didn't even say anything. he didn't say my name, or say hi, or even... he didn't try to get me to see him.
he didn't try.
he doesn't care. I haven't spoken to him... in how long? I think it's a week now.
and it's killing me, it really is. there's nothing worse than feeling like this, i just feel so empty, like there's no reason for anything because it's like he doesn't exist, but honestly. i wish he didn't, right now. i wish i could go to work without worrying about him coming in, i wish he would just go away so i could have the time off from thinking about him.
oh my god.
you know what is really fucking shit!!!?? i was supposed to have a month away from him, one month, thats what the roster was, and now they've changed it, and i've got half a shift with him in two weeks.
that ruins this fucking thing.
i need as much time as i can get,
but i can't get shit because i keep seeing him. i'm so angry right now.
i either want a full ball interaction, a hang out, a really really long hug, a sleep over and talks from him.
or nothing.
no seeing. no talking.
nothing.
none of this inbetween shit.
it jsut fucks me over.
:(
this is so horrible.
i wish i could convey how painful it is.... i'm starting to hate god.
that's a really bad thing to say.
but i'm starting to hate him.it.whatever. i don't even know if i "believe" it's so strange. whatever. i'm starting to hate destiny.. life. fate. whattever. i'm starting to hate whatever the fuck dangled him in front of me, only to rip everything away and have him close enough for me to see everything happen to him, but not to actually be with him, or ... i don't know. whatever. i'm starting to hate everything.
and i don't believe. i don't believe in anything anymore.
justice is fucked,
fate is fucked
destiny is fucked
happiness is fucked
life is fucked
i am fucked.
i just want to get out of here. i want to disappear and go someplace so far away and i never have to see him again.
maybe if i was beautiful.
maybe then.
i just want to go away.

I just missed him, I looked out the window and saw his face. I was so excited for about a millisecond. his face, his eyes, the way he walked, they way he looked, then i remembered, i wasn't allowed to see him.
I rushed out the back door as he came in the front and hid for about five minutes.. when i came back in he was just driving away.
close call.
i miss him so much.