so i've come to the conclusion that he never liked me that way, and i'm going to keep it at that. i've sorted things out with her, so she knows now, and she said she was sorry.. kind of, but i guess it its kind of my fault, but it's also like i don't really believe her, like she knew the whole time what she was doing, even though i said it was okay. i don't know what's going on with him. he cares about me still. i guess that's enough for now.
hm. this is kind of a horrible feeling because as usual i don't know what's going on, i just know that i'm broken, so fucking broken and confused and empty, and i can't find a reason any more. it's making me crazy, but i've decided, from this day onwards- i'm not going to talk about him anymore, not to anyone, i've gone from telling no one anything, to telling anyone everything... and i've got to stop it. the only time he will be mentioned is in this blog, but other than that there will be nothing, i need to stop seeking help from every person i know, because they're all getting sick of it now.
i'm thinking of starting a new blog, dedicated to writing poetry and more poetic stream of consciousness. trying as much not to mention things in such a bold way, like- most of the writing will likely be dedicated to him, but less than this, if i get a new blog i'll post the link, doubt anyone would look at it anyway. i mean really? who gives a fuck about mt stupid fucking boy problems. i can't believe that all of this is spring from one boy, one person in the world can make you feel so useless and alone and empty.. but at the same time they can make you feel like the happiest person alive.

isn't that so strange?