I want to fucking fit in!!!

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I've felt like this before.
this time, I really don't think I'm strong enough to do this.

trapped.

I'm going to let you go.
because you're the bars,
and I'm the bird.

The day.

The day that the world told us who we were supposed to be,
was the day that we forgot who we were.

I like.

• I decided that I would like to write a list of things that make me happy. this list is just what comes to my mind:
• Dogs 
• cats
• chickens
• beds
• sleeping
• pillows
• food
• animals
• cuddles
• shrek
• friends. real ones
• blogs.
• strenght
• deoderant
• love
• art
• music
• muffins
• msn
• facebook
• my phone
• texting
• reading
• bikinis
• good bodies
• torches
• keyboards
• computers
• internet
• clothes
• undewear
• piercings
• tattoos
• monooply
• scrabble
• credit
• lipton ice tea
• singing
• dancing
• crying
• feeling
• showers
• bathes
• arm tickles
• make up
• eye liner
• long hair
• beds
• ..

I am.

I am a teenager. stuck in a whirlwind of continues complaints, drama and self inflicted pain. (no not self harm. just bringing stupid shit onto myself)
I'm lost and confused and now extremely hurt over a boy. who I now know does not want me. I want him to disappear. I want to do that myself. I know that obviously we aren't meant to be together- it's not supposed to happen. so I have no idea why I am upset. but then again I don't know if i believe in fate or not. I just need to get away from him. I need to get away from everything for a while.
then there is my "friends".. god they're dusigusting people. most of them. I know what they're all like, yet i continues trusting them. knowing that what I am saying is going to backfire no matter what. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. and speak silently to these people. tell them nothing.I don't want to be able to trick myself into trusting these people even when i KNOW what its going to do to me in the end.
I'm having an off night. blaming myself for everything that goes wrong. I keep saying to myself.
no wonder you have shit friends. look how fat and ugly you are. no wonder he doesn't want you. you're so stupid and dumb. no one wants you. look at you. you're so gross and i hate you. 
thats the kind of thing that I am quite sure every teenage girl says to themselves every now and then.
every month or two.
every day.
every hour. I'm a typical teenager, and I'm bloody aware of it.
I can't wait until this hormonal imbalence ends. there will be no more feeling like this. i sound so mopey. its annoying. because really i know how lucky I am. for everything! I can't stand girls like me. that bring their personal issues into everything and make it out like they're life is bad. I'm not depressed. I don't have an eating disorder, or a sleeping disorder. I don't have anxiety or OCD.
nono. I'm just a regular teenager sooking about regular teenage stuff.
but please don't get me wrong. I know how god damn lucky I am. I know it. I sometimes just have trouble accepting it.
I feel so ugly lately.
I feel like i don't fit in.
I feel fat.
because I can't wear shorts anymore. or even singlets. because of the strecth marks.
no body wants you. 
I feel better now.
I like having a blog.

Fluorescent.

the light from our torch gave way too our pathway.
the pathway we never knew we would take.
the pathway we chose.
the pathway that was not strong enough to hold our weight.
that pathway that was a fake,
a reflection of the light.
that pathway that fucking broke.

I know we're nothing but human,
but can't we be more?

I just want to let you know.

I realize how love-sick and stupid my blog had become. I used to write poetry.
now its just consistent complaining and sad stuff.
:/
sorry.
I'll try be more poetic.

It will pass.

I wish....

My heart hurts.
I feel like I'm falling apart. every second I spend with you just makes me want you more. 
I had a dream about you last night, we didn't kiss, or sleep together. instead, you just held my hand, and we sat for hours talking.
you told me you wanted to leave, please don't go.
as much as it would be good if you left, good for me.
I don't know what I would do without you. I will miss you so much. you're so amazing.. I wish you would turn around and tell me you feel the same, I wish I was what you wanted.
you're always talking about how beautiful other girls are. I can't take it, I wish you would talk about me like that. I wish I was important enough to you, so you would stay, or hang out with me, or call me. I wish that all the reasons I don't call, hangout, text you were the same as yours. I wish you wanted me. It's getting to a point where it physically hurts, I feel sad because I want you.
thats wrong.
I know.
But i'm falling for you, deeper and deeper.
I want you to want me.
I just want you.

I hate you.

I sat there whilst you talked. listened so acutely to every word you said.
but I was dazed, blocking out what I knew was coming. I hate you.
I hate you for getting in the way of everything.

I remember now,
how it feels too fall.