i thought it was getting better.

i drove past him today. didn't look at his car, pretended i didn't see him. work was fine. until we got some cooking orders and i started to stress.
then i just broke.
i started crying and the only thing i could think of was;
i want Ashley. 


and there's his name guys. Ashley.
I miss him so much.
Everything feels so horrible right now.

I deleted every single message on my phone last night. every single one.
Tonight, I missed a call from him. not on purpose though. that pissed me off, that i missed it unknowlingly, that i couldn't sit there and be proud that i was strong enough to resist it. I missed it by accident.
ugh. and he only tried once, didn't leave a message didn't send a text, shows how fucking much i matter. god. i'm so angry, why can't he just ... go ?

but i don't want him to go, i want him very much to stay.
stay with me?
i still can't stop thinking about them together, how wrong they are for each other.
i want all this to end. fuck
.
it all needs to fucking end.

idiot.

it's kind of funny, how i'm sitting here, waiting for a message from you, so i can ignore it and feel like i'm strong, or doing something right.. or something.
but, well for one. i'm still sitting here waiting for a message from you.
and two.
you're not sending me a thing.
which probably means that... well, i know it means, that i haven't crossed your mind at all.
this is so fucked.
everything is shit. you're shit. she's shit. i hate her. i hate you. i hate me.
fuck this. i'm going to bed.

There's nothing left of me anymore. he's taken everything. every ounce of strength, every little bit of happiness, all that sadness. he's taken everything.
I'm so empty now.
there's just...
nothing. 

and she gets to lie in that bed, in those arms, hold you, look into those eyes.
her.
she.
why?
it's not fair.
it's not fair that she gets you.

going through his photos was a bad idea.

What time does..

It’s so strange, and weird… now that I think about it, I mean.. when I think back to when I first met you. Well, I didn’t even meet you. I saw you, I didn’t know who you were, I didn’t really care… I was focused on whatever my problems, or whatever. I was focused on something else. You were nothing to me. another person, another name, another face… nothing. But then, something happened, I learnt the person behind the face, like you were a math problem, I uncovered things about you, and at some point we clicked I guess. I can’t remember when it was, or how it happened, but all of a sudden, you meant something to me… you were important, and most of all you weren’t nothing. Over time, I gradually got to know more about you, the deepest parts of your minds, what lay nestled inside your head, how you thought, and eventually you grew to be someone that I relied on, I needed. I guess that, looking back on it now, looking back to the first time that I sat at that table and glanced over at you, wondering who you were, but brushing it off, because, who were you? you were nothing. right? nothing. Looking back, it’s so weird thinking about how little you were, and how much you are now. But I guess that, maybe… if I didn’t need you then, I don’t need you now. I mean, you were once nothing.. time changed that. 

Maybe time can change this too?

and tell me now, where was my fault... in loving you with my whole heart?

post title is irrelevant. I just really like that song at the moment. I've got this idea, so I'm going to dot point what I want to do, I need to think it and outline it, but i haven't written it down yet. so, it's this big jumbled piece of moosh.
here goes:

• Become tea tree/eucalyptus obsessed; soap, shampoo, conditioner, face wash/moisturizer/toner/etc.etc..
• Save up money. Don't use any of it unless needed. 
• Eat healthy. Fruit and Vegetables, all the time... 
• Drink a lot of water. 
• No excess sugar. 
• Stop wearing make up whenever I go out/to work. 
• Spend (final spending binge) this weeks pay on skin care/soap/toothpaste... 
• exercise every day. half an hour walk in the morning. half and hour walk in the afternoon. Some time on the ab circle pro that I've never used.  
• Lose enough weight to feel comfortable in a bikini, go out and get a tan, try to fade the stretch marks. 
• With the saved money, buy some new hair extensions, maybe proper ones... maybe clip in? I'm not sure. 
• With the saved money, and the new body... buy a whole new wardrobe. new bra's, undies, tops, shorts, skirts, dresses, shoes... everything. 
• delete all those messages from everyone off my phone.. (even the ones from him... the ones calling me beautiful. that's going to be the shittiest part. knowing that a guy that has called me beautiful, there's no evidence anymore)
• When I finally have a nice body, new hair, new clothes... treat myself to a new make up set, all natural, expensive stuff, new foundation, mascara, eyeliner, blush, eye shadow, concealer, lip gloss, lip balm and new brushes for all of them. and again, only wear it on really special occasions. 

That's my plan, my moving on, starting fresh, getting over it, finding someone else I feel comfortable around... plan.
I just wish I knew where to start. 

Weirdly okay?

Yesterday I went out with friends, we went ice skating and I saw a movie, and for the first time in a long time, everything kind of felt okay. we went and had sushi, that was a  bit of  a downer, because i remembered when we went and ate together, then just pictured him with her, all those things... but i pushed it out of my mind. and I felt okay.
it was so weird. I decided to keep telling myself, that he's really not that great, and that there IS something better. I keep saying it to myself. even though every single time i do, it's like... all these memories, and all these things that he said, and how he acts.. and just everything about him... it all creeps up and tells me that i know that's not true. but it's almost like... i'm starting to believe that he isn't that great, just because of how much pain he has caused me.. it's like i don't believe in him anymore.
maybe that's a good thing... but then again, maybe its just because i don't believe in anything anymore. I just find things kind of useless these days. I do miss him, I hate...i hate sitting here, not texting him, because i'm trying to avoid talking to him so i can let him go, but i know he's sitting with her not texting me... because he hasn't even thought of me. i think thats so unfair. i've decided that even if he does, i'm not going to reply, i'm going to do what he does to me... he only talks to me when he's lonely anyway.
I was talking to my friend about it, and for once, she actually listened like she cared... like... she listened, and i asked her . "am i fucking crazy, did i psychoalayize it into something that it wasn't..? or was there actually signs that he might have been interested..?" and, i know her, she's honest... like. honest. she doesn't fuck around, she's bluntly honest. and she even said. "there was signs that fucked you around"..
ugh. at least i know i'm not crazy. i do miss him. but it's like. fuck. i'm so scared of accidental confrontation, seeing him in town, or calling work and he answers, or him calling me from work to ask about something to do WITH work. i really can't hear from him, or talk to him, or see him... in this next month i need the space. i'm thinking about deleting my facebook for a while as well. just until i see him again, that way, he cant contact me, or see me or anything, and i wont have the urge to look him up. or see what he's doing, and then be upset that its with her and not me.
ugh. i feel crazy :/ i guess i've gotta do what i've gotta do. my emotions are so out of whack.
i don't know what i'm feeling anymore.

passion.

people say that passion is something worth fighting for, worth living for, if you're passionate about something, don't give it up, don't let it slip away.
but I'm passionate about you.
I've noticed that, how intrigued i am in you, in your mind, in the way you are... in you. I'm more interested in knowing, and finding out, and delving into the deepest parts of you, than I am in anything else.
and this scares me so much.
It's like, people say things like "don't you dare give up" "don't give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about" but then, it's like.. but should i ? should i give up all together? i wish i could control it, and just decide to give up. but there's always something telling me that there will be a chance, at some point, there will be a chance, his feelings will change. so i keep hoping, i keep fighting, i keep hurting, i keep waiting. but nothing ever changes.
and its scary, because it might never change.

your silhouette is almost as beautiful as you. sometimes, just the shape of your face, the shape of your body, how you move. something about you just makes the world go around, keeps the people alive, you keep me alive.
suffering. yes.
but alive none the less.

it's scary when the pain doesn't go away, and you're left to wonder if it will cripple you like old age.

lost for words now.
the only thing i can think of is fuck.
fuck her.
fuck him.
fuck school.
fuck work.
fuck friends.
fuck me.
fuck food.
fuck alcohol.
fuck sleep.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
fuck everything.

I bet she doesn't see you like I do. I bet she doesn't even notice.

by myself

I feel so alone right now. so empty. i feel like nothing could feel worse in the world. i just keep picturing her arms around you.. worse. your arms around her. I see all these things that i just want to go away, and all i can think is how much i would do, just to have you as mine. i feel so sad and alone and sad. and sick. i still feel sick. :( there isn't anything left of me anymore. without you, there's nothing. there's just this big empty space where you should be. i just want you.
and i hate her for what she did. and i hate you for hurting me so much, and i hate that i cant hate you for what you've done. and i hate me for not being good enough for you.. or for anyone. and i hate me for seeing your eyes everytime i close mine. i hate me for dreaming about you every night, and thinking about you when i wake up. i hate me for you being the only thing inside my head, even when there's a million other things going on, you're always there. i hate me for not being  able to enjoy myself without you. i hate me for loving your imperfections. i hate me for knowing, really knowing what you look like, the shape of your nose, your eyes, your hands, your voice, your freckles, your marks, your tattoos, the way you smile, the kid voice you do,  the little boy i see, the man that i watched sleep, the crease between your eyes, the stubby little hairs on your face, the way you look when you smile, how deep your eyes go, the way you say sorry, the way you hug me, the way you smell, the way you drive, what you look like in your car, the way you laugh, the way you mock me, the shape your hair falls into naturally, the way you walk, i hate it. i hate how well i know you. and i hate how much i love every single piece of you.

I miss you already.

only because I know I'm not going to see you for a while.
oh god.
why does she get to have you there? what is so fucking great about her?
I'm tired of hurting.
i just want to go away.

everything is nothing without you.

it just makes me so sad, and hurts so much, when i look at you, when you look at me, and you smile, and you do that cute grin, and i see that little bit of child in you. i mean, don't get me wrong, it's the most beautiful thing in the world . but when you're not with me, when you're gone.. it's like there's nothing i wouldn't do to have you that close to me again, just want to touch your face hold you inside my heart. Everything seems to useless when you're not here.
I'm glad a left last night, with a good feeling, seeing you smile at me. but i'm going to miss you. and this is a horrible day already. I just want you to belong to me.
it's like i can't go out, and have fun, and be happy if you're not with me. it's like everything i do is for you, and i can't stop it. I can't stop how fucking strongly i feel. you make me the happiest person alive. I can't even explain. but you're not mine. and that, that makes me hurt so much. I wish you knew, kind of. I wish you loved me back. I wish i knew how i felt.
the truth is, when i'm around you, i'm happy, i'm me... i feel alive, and not broken, when you're making me laugh or looking at me, i feel so fucking free. but the moment you're gone, when you're not in my sight, when i know that you're thinking of someone else, when i know that you're holding her like i would be holding you..
then everything just feels like its falling apart. every part of my body feels like its being torn apart. 
no one can see it though. 
only i can feel it. 
i just want you. 

detachment attempt 2.
starts today.
one month on the roster that i won't see him for, even though he promised me we'd catch up on his annual leave, chances are, because of the girl. i won't hear a thing from him.
I'm not going to text him. if he comes into work I'm going to do my best to remain unseen.
If he texts me, (which i hope he doesn't, this needs to be a NO CONTACT thing)
i won't reply.
....
here goes nothing.

its probably taken over two years for those scars to fade into nothing.
but so what?
whats a few more...
whats another couple of years?
nothing matters anymore.

no this is not your fault, but if i'm without you then i would feel so small and if you have to go, well always know that you shine brighter than anyone .

everytime i think of them together i want to throw up everything inside.
i honestly feel sick at the thought of them.
nothing... he doesn't care anymore. as soon as there's another girl in the picture, i don't matter anymore.
why don't i matter? he said that he'd never forget me, i'll always be his little sister.
but fuck.
i'm just going to keep waiting around until he changes his mind.
but what if he never does?
i feel so useless. i just want to get away from everything.

hope is the problem.

even though it's clear you don't feel the same.
I'm still hoping that your feelings are going to change.
that in time you'll fall as hard as I did.
that one day things will be different.
and thats my problem.
i'm still waiting. now that i know you don't feel the same.
i'm still fucking waiting for you!

i want to hurt you.
like you've hurt me.

These lyrics are everything... it's almost like she wrote this song for me :/ lol.

Broken words I whisper to myself
Try to sound lovely, but it doesn't help
When the world is sleeping and I'm still in my chair
Can't close my eyes, I don't wanna know what's in there

And I have better dreams when I'm awake
When I'm in control so I don't shift and shake
The way I do in bed alone, and I'll say...

I wish I wasn't sober
Maybe then I'd have more fun
And I loathe her
She has everything I want
And I hold him
But only in my mind
He never says what I want to hear half the time
I wish someone would know me like the back of their hand
'Cause I need to be loved like that

The word "goodnight" has never scared me more
Please don't leave me, I don't wanna be alone
Tomorrow's not good enough
'Cause I can't breathe right here, right now

Maybe then it wouldn't be so bad
If he could at least stop calling me his "friend"
And I can never set him straight, so I'm sayin'...

I wish I wasn't sober
Maybe then I'd have more fun
And I loathe her
She has everything I want
And I hold him
But only in my mind
He never says what I wanna hear half the time
I wish someone would know me like the back of their hand
'Cause I need to be loved like that
I need to be loved like that

This is how my heart aches at half past midnight these days

I wish I wasn't sober
Maybe then I could have fun
And I loathe her
'Cause she's everything I'm not
And I hold him
But not outside my mind
He never says what I want him to half the time
I wish someone could know me like the back of their hand
'Cause I need to be loved like that
I need to be loved like that
I need to be loved like that

.-

Catrien Maxwell. 

the pain doesn't really go away. I honestly just feel like throwing up. like my heart is weighing down on my lungs, giving me this sinking feeling that you get before you vomit.
i think i'm going to be sick

my emotions have had enough. it's all shut down. i guess the body and mind can only take a certain amount of pain before it shuts off to stop you dying.
sounds stupid.
but lol. i thought my chest was going to rip apart.
now i just cant feel a thing. its there though. under the surface. its eating away at me.
i hope this pain stays away.

i'm just angry because. he can be himself around me.
he's showen me sides that he could not have shown her! she's so quiet and innocent and fuck.
he's so the opposite.
i don't understand.
how he can?
has he shown her those sides too?
did he just expect something from me?
fuck.
i don't..
wow.
i need alcohol.

i kind of feel like i can let him go now. apparently he's fucking with her head too.,
they're all the same.
lol.
i feel kind of alone i guess.
but i feel this is for the best.
as painful as it is.
hmm.

i am broken.

I went to sleep thinking about you.
I dreamed of you.
I woke up thinking about you.
You're the only thing on my mind.
You're always on my fucking mind.
I miss you. 

Thinking..

Okay. I've thought about it. I want you to be happy.
So, really, not hearing from you much, okay. if you were to be out drinking, partying, having fun and fucking anyone, I'd be okay with that. I'd be happy for you not to think of me for a while, to grieve or, whatever, enjoy your life being single and stuff. that is good, I'd love for that to be happening.
the thing that hurts is knowing, or thinking.
that you're just being so happy because you're holding someone else in your arms.
Like I'm holding you in my heart.
There's a difference there.
and fuck me dead.
it's just given me hope.

I'm still waiting to hear from you.
why has everything changed so much again?
why don't you care anymore?
what happened?
what did i do?
How can I fix it?
help me fix this.

you just don't give a fuck anymore do you?

I don't want ANYTHING to do with you anymore.

GET FUCKED.

trying trying trrying.
giving up giving up giving up.
are you really worth all of this?
hurting hurting hurting.
angry angry angry.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
I need you I need you .
I miss you.
Do you miss me?
Miss me. Text me. Miss me.
I miss you.
Miss me.
Fuck you.
I hate you.
I need you.
I love you.
Fuck you.
Fuck everything.
Fuck.
I don't see the point, in anything anymore.
I hate you.
Fuck you.
You're not worth this pain.
You're worth nothing.
You're everything.
I give up.
I hate you. Fuck you.
The way you make me feel, is starting to make me hate you.
Fuck our friendship.
I don't care anymore.
I just want to be rid of you.
I hate you.

It's not that I'm going to let this destroy me. 
It's that it already has. 

I don't understand.
you were supposed to be my friend. 
you were supposed to care about me. 
you both were. 

I'm going to sleep now. its going to be a long few days.
i have to work with him for three hours tomorrow.
then i've decided to go to this party after work, even though i have to work the next day.
i'm going to be so tired.
but you know what? i want to get so fucking drunk. i want to .. die.
that word just came to my head. is that bad? i think thats bad.
then
i only see him for one hour on saturday.
then not at all sunday.
then.
i don't know about the rest of the week. probably not much, especially outside of work because he's got something better and amazing and perfect lol.
and he doesn't want me.
i feel like shit again
.
i'm going to have shitty fucking nightmares.
no.
i'm going to have a perfect dream and wake up crying because it isnt real.
im getting away from this world for a while, if its the only way.
goodnight. i dont want to wake up.

it really does help the pain.
i felt so horrible before.
and now i've settled down.
i still feel sad and lonely, cheated, let down and hurt.
but i'm not crying.
i don't feel the need to cry, considering i cried for about thirty minutes without stopping.
lol.
i'm in a bitchy mood.
i fucking hate everyone.

it really does help the pain.
i felt so horrible before.
and now i've settled down.
i still feel sad and lonely, cheated, let down and hurt.
but i'm not crying.
i don't feel the need to cry, considering i cried for about thirty minutes without stopping.
lol.
i'm in a bitchy mood.
i fucking hate everyone.

I guess. even if they are together . it's just another fork in the road. another reason why we're not supposed to be  together.
another reason to be sad.
it's not like he was mine anyway.
why am i so worried about losing him?
he's not mine. he's never been.
he'll never be.
i need to get away.
i need to get away.

I screamed.

he drove past again after, didn't stop that time. i screamed at the car long after he was gone.
"I hate you! i fucking hate you! fuck you! you stupid fucking ass hole! fuck you! you fuck me around. you make me fucking think that maybe just fucking maybe you want me, only when you're fucking lonely! but then, as soon as you fucking find someone else, its back to the same old i don't give a fuck about you because you're fat and ugly and horrible, so fucking horrible! i hate you! fuck you! fuck youu! you fuck with my head. i hate you! I hate you so much" 

I want to die.

Tonight was the most painful thing that i've felt in a long time.
I don't know for sure whats going on.
But i've got a fair idea.
and i want to fucking die.
my friend, that we worked with, that left recently, had a facebook status, saying "life is so awesome at the moment, gotta love it- with such and such AND HIM.
Okay. i worried, i thought he was at work, i called work, i herd him, then i happened to see him drive past later on.
her in the car.
he stopped, and came over, and..
they;re together.
they must be together. they aren't just friends, i texted her earlier saying stuff, we had a convo. i asked her what she was doing tonight. she skipped the question.
whenhe got out of the car. she didnt. why wouldnt you? she had JUST told me she missed me.

YOU FUCKING LYING STUPID BITCH!!! YOU KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM! YOU FUCKING KNEW. FUCK YOU. FUCK HIM. FUCK OFF FUCKFUFKFFUFUFUFUUUUCK.
god. i sound so angry now. but im hurting. i really am. im screaming. i want to slice my skin open. i want to hurt, i want to die! i fucking. i broke down afterwoods, after he left and we were walking across the road, i started crying. my "bestfriend" didnt even fucking care.
fuck
i hate this
i want to die.
i want to die.
:(
she suggested maybe they're just friends! but WHY wouldn't she tell me what she was doing ?
why the fuck?
why.
and it explains why, he hasn't been replying to my texts, explains why hes been acting like hes got another girl. because. he probably fucking does.
i'm hurting.
i am hurting.
i cant do this.
i'm so angry. so angry. I'VE CHANGED EVERYTHING FOR HIM. and i'm still not fucking good enough. WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE!?? WHY!! and fuck you! you stupid bitch.
SHE KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS. SHE KNEW. SHE KNEW .
he seemed sorry. before he left he was like. give me a cuddle.
and hugged me.
i didnt move my arms. just put my head over his shoulder.
\why
cant this one time
god give me the one thing i'm asking for.
why can't i just have one thing?
am i really that repulsive? am i really that horrible and disgusting?
please god. please. whatever, whoever, you are, please listen, please hear me, please help me.
please give me this.
just this.
please.
please let me be wrong about my assumption.
please.
please.
please.
help.

I'm just tired. tired and angry and sad. and just. FUCK. FUCKING FUCKED. FUCKKK. i am so . fucking. sad. i want
FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

I'm having the most horrible few days. I feel so sad all the time.
Wednesdays are always the worst, because, it's in the middle of the time that I see him for.
It's making me so sad, I just want to scream. Why can't he call me and tell me he misses me? or get drunk and say that i'm beautiful again? I want him to get drunk and think of me right away, i'm trying to stop hurting.
it's not working.
what do i do?
please make it stop.

so he starts a conversation .
and then when i reply to him
he doesn't reply to me.
even if i send like, three different messages, not like, stalkerish crazy, just add ons.
still no reply.

what the fuck are you playing at?

waiting waiting waiting.

my whole fucking life is centred around waiting. and not just for anything. for him. waiting for a text, waiting for a call, waiting for him to fall for me, waiting to see him, waiting for his hugs, waiting for him to finish work, waiting for him to tell me something i know i'll never hear. waiting for an invitation to his house. waiting for his laugh. waiting waiting waiting! waiting to look into those fucking eyes again.
WAITING.
I'M SO SICK OF FUCKING WAITING.

There hasn't really been much happening. Well, maybe there has, a lot of emotions and confusedness. but I can't express it. I don't feel like i can talk to anyone. i don't want to socialize, all this pain keeps building up, and it's all because of him. I feel so useless, i don't want to try anymore.
i don't want to be here.
i just need to get away.
from everything.