I want to fucking fit in!!!

i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to fit in. i want to 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I've felt like this before.
this time, I really don't think I'm strong enough to do this.

trapped.

I'm going to let you go.
because you're the bars,
and I'm the bird.

The day.

The day that the world told us who we were supposed to be,
was the day that we forgot who we were.

I like.

• I decided that I would like to write a list of things that make me happy. this list is just what comes to my mind:
• Dogs 
• cats
• chickens
• beds
• sleeping
• pillows
• food
• animals
• cuddles
• shrek
• friends. real ones
• blogs.
• strenght
• deoderant
• love
• art
• music
• muffins
• msn
• facebook
• my phone
• texting
• reading
• bikinis
• good bodies
• torches
• keyboards
• computers
• internet
• clothes
• undewear
• piercings
• tattoos
• monooply
• scrabble
• credit
• lipton ice tea
• singing
• dancing
• crying
• feeling
• showers
• bathes
• arm tickles
• make up
• eye liner
• long hair
• beds
• ..

I am.

I am a teenager. stuck in a whirlwind of continues complaints, drama and self inflicted pain. (no not self harm. just bringing stupid shit onto myself)
I'm lost and confused and now extremely hurt over a boy. who I now know does not want me. I want him to disappear. I want to do that myself. I know that obviously we aren't meant to be together- it's not supposed to happen. so I have no idea why I am upset. but then again I don't know if i believe in fate or not. I just need to get away from him. I need to get away from everything for a while.
then there is my "friends".. god they're dusigusting people. most of them. I know what they're all like, yet i continues trusting them. knowing that what I am saying is going to backfire no matter what. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. and speak silently to these people. tell them nothing.I don't want to be able to trick myself into trusting these people even when i KNOW what its going to do to me in the end.
I'm having an off night. blaming myself for everything that goes wrong. I keep saying to myself.
no wonder you have shit friends. look how fat and ugly you are. no wonder he doesn't want you. you're so stupid and dumb. no one wants you. look at you. you're so gross and i hate you. 
thats the kind of thing that I am quite sure every teenage girl says to themselves every now and then.
every month or two.
every day.
every hour. I'm a typical teenager, and I'm bloody aware of it.
I can't wait until this hormonal imbalence ends. there will be no more feeling like this. i sound so mopey. its annoying. because really i know how lucky I am. for everything! I can't stand girls like me. that bring their personal issues into everything and make it out like they're life is bad. I'm not depressed. I don't have an eating disorder, or a sleeping disorder. I don't have anxiety or OCD.
nono. I'm just a regular teenager sooking about regular teenage stuff.
but please don't get me wrong. I know how god damn lucky I am. I know it. I sometimes just have trouble accepting it.
I feel so ugly lately.
I feel like i don't fit in.
I feel fat.
because I can't wear shorts anymore. or even singlets. because of the strecth marks.
no body wants you. 
I feel better now.
I like having a blog.

Fluorescent.

the light from our torch gave way too our pathway.
the pathway we never knew we would take.
the pathway we chose.
the pathway that was not strong enough to hold our weight.
that pathway that was a fake,
a reflection of the light.
that pathway that fucking broke.

I know we're nothing but human,
but can't we be more?

I just want to let you know.

I realize how love-sick and stupid my blog had become. I used to write poetry.
now its just consistent complaining and sad stuff.
:/
sorry.
I'll try be more poetic.

It will pass.

I wish....

My heart hurts.
I feel like I'm falling apart. every second I spend with you just makes me want you more. 
I had a dream about you last night, we didn't kiss, or sleep together. instead, you just held my hand, and we sat for hours talking.
you told me you wanted to leave, please don't go.
as much as it would be good if you left, good for me.
I don't know what I would do without you. I will miss you so much. you're so amazing.. I wish you would turn around and tell me you feel the same, I wish I was what you wanted.
you're always talking about how beautiful other girls are. I can't take it, I wish you would talk about me like that. I wish I was important enough to you, so you would stay, or hang out with me, or call me. I wish that all the reasons I don't call, hangout, text you were the same as yours. I wish you wanted me. It's getting to a point where it physically hurts, I feel sad because I want you.
thats wrong.
I know.
But i'm falling for you, deeper and deeper.
I want you to want me.
I just want you.

I hate you.

I sat there whilst you talked. listened so acutely to every word you said.
but I was dazed, blocking out what I knew was coming. I hate you.
I hate you for getting in the way of everything.

I remember now,
how it feels too fall.

I'd change.

I used to promise myself that I would never change for the sake of someone who can't accept me for me.
I lied.
because for you,
for you I'd change.

Everything.

who are you? no one.
what are you? nothing.
who are you? someone.
what are you? something.
who are you? everyone.
what are you...?
everything.

Based on.

"Based on psychological study.
A crush lasts four months.
if it exceeds, you are already in love"
four months, you better hurry your freaking ass up.
There is no way I can be in love with this boy.
please.
no.

Two Years.

Two years ago I stood outside my house, on the phone to you, crying.

Because I thought you were going to leave this world.

Two years ago, you were where I am now, 

Two years ago we were all so close.

were all so young. 

We grew and learnt together- and promised we could never live without each-other. 

Before I knew it you were gone.

at the time I felt defeated, like I had lost everything.

and then I forgot, memories faded, pain got weaker. 

I got stronger.

we were all so young, and so naive. we were all lost in our own bubble of confusment. 

then time got the better of us. Speeded ahead, passed us by. 

we forget who we were.

and now. two years later.

we still have no idea. 

I would give everything,
to be your everything.
I want to be apart of your world.

I would give everything,
to be your everything.
I want to be apart of your world.

Everytime

Everytime I stop thinking about you,
your name pops up in the corner.
or you picture.
or your comment. everytime.
how the hell am I supposed to let you go, if you're all I ever see?

I can't write poeticly anymore, my brains all mushed up feelings and emotions, nothing poetic comes to mind.
I'm trying.
But there is nothing... just you.
how YOU made me feel.
how YOU acted.
what YOU said.
YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. \

You were nothing,
I despised you,
then gradually, I got to know you,
you got to know me,
our flaws.
I know you now.
I hated you then.
I want you now.
you became a friend.
someone who made me laugh, someone I could talk to.
someone with a different perspective.
then all of a sudden-
You became my world.
but she remains yours.
I need you, I want you- and all you're doing is hurting me.

Not going to plan.
you know what.
fuck the plan. 
Lets do this on our own.

Giving up.

I'm giving up on this.
giving up on you.
there is nowhere to go.
nothing I can do.
Help me now.
Don't let me go.
I don't want to give up.
..
I just. I have to.

Forget about it.
you.
you gained my trust.
stop.
help.

Your smile.

your smile lights up the world.
your smile lights up my world.
don't go...
your smile brings hope into my world.

Life.

You can shut the world out until you're close to dead.
But at some point.
Life will come rushing in.

I think about summer, all the beautiful times- I watched you laughing from the passenger side- Taylor Swift.

This Sky.

out here the sky goes on for hours.

Like an empty dessert, that conceals it's beauty.

But if you look hard enough.

you can see it shimmering.

if you listen hard enough.

you can hear it humming.

if you pay close attention.

This empty, black sky.

can make you feel alive.

City lights and shooting stars.

Raindrops whisper secret messages.
That we can not understand.
We stood out in the black of night.
and stared into the endless sky.
So close.
So far away.
we talked about city lights,
and shooting stars.
and whispered secrets in silence.
we got in your car.
we drove away.
Lets drive away.

Don't ever forget who you are.                                                                                   Did the make-up work?
Don't ever let someone tell you that you're not beautiful.                                              Am I beautiful yet?
Don't ever..
Don't ever lose yourself.                                                                                             Is this really me?
Don't ever become what I did.                                                                                    I grew up.


- I actually feel beautiful. the joys of make-up and editing. 
I know I'm not THE most attractive girl in the world,
or as pretty as that girl he points out.
but when I try..  I can be worth it.
I really think I can be worth it.
Tell me I'm beautiful. 
please please see me without my flaws.
just once. 

this is pretty much how it is.

You like you eat, you're fat. you don't eat, you're a freak. you drink, you're an alcoholic. you don't drink, you're a pussy. you read, you're a nerd. you don't read, you're stupid. you tell a secret, you're an attention seeker. you don't tell a secret, you're still attention seeking. you let someone in, you're easy. you don't let someone in, you're too uptight. you smoke, you think you're cool. you don't smoke, you're a loser. you've had sex, you're a slut. you haven't had sex, you're a frigid little bitch. you wear make up, you're a slag. you don't wear make up, you're ugly. you can't please anyone. ever.

Perfect.

Baby, beauty isn't everything.
and I know I'm not perfect.
But no-one is.
remember?

well...

On one hand you sit there and tell me how everything between you and her are getting better.
On the other hand you sit there telling me how beautiful you think other girls are.
then you we joke around, play around, call each-other names and loook into each-others eyes.
I swear I can feel those moments.
But I really don't know what goes through your head when you look at me.
I am so confused.
stop sending me mixed signals.
because I want you.
and this shit, sure isn't helping me let go.

fake.

I packed on the make-up. too a point where I looked fake! I wanted too see if it would make me beautiful.

you know things are fucked when you have no idea what to wish for...

Today, tomorrow.

Today, someone was born.
Today, someone died.
Today, someone fell in-love.
Today, someone broke their heart.
Today, someone smiled.
Today, someone cried.
Today, someone rejoiced.
Today someone grieved.
Tomorrow will be exactly the same.

you are.

you're creeping up inside me.

you're under my skin.

you're coming out of my mouth.

you're making me sick.

pleasepleaseplease- leave me alone.

not beautiful .

Today he said to me.
"god, that girl was beautiful- and not even sexy! when a guy says she's sexy, all he want is a fuck. but when we say, gorgeous, pretty, beautiful ... we don't if think of that straight away! we just think about how beautiful they are..."
No-body has ever called me beautiful.
Not once.

stop.

I need to stop waiting around for people,
stop checking my facebook notifications.
stop checking my phone.
stop waiting for things that are never going to happen-
and just live. 

For My Followers. thank you.

Hello. I know, this is crazy. I would like to thank you all for simply following me, stopping by my blog, leaving a comment or two.
I would like you to know that it is greatly appreciated. I know I only have three followers- but it's not the popularirty I am concerned about. I'm thanking you all for simply supporting me writing and showing an interest. it's a self esteem booost, i assure you (:
thank you.

I know it makes no sense.

I stand empty above this hill, staring down into the dark empty depths that I now call myself, haggard and broken; horrific to look at, dark and closed off from everything I ever was, from everyone I ever loved. Only horrid because of emptiness, staring into black worlds of nothingness horrifies me, frightens me.

I stare form behind the vale and I watch how you lie, how you run from me, how you run away from my emptiness and pain rather than staying to fill me with life and numb my pain for a while.

Your light lingers above me, breathing in and out, as you do. You as your own light as your own world.

Jaggered around the edges, sharp and blunt at the same time, painful smiles and joking cries for help.

When hiding is no longer a game, creeping up behind me with my eyes shut staring into my face, I refuse to fight for the nothing you give me I refuse to fight for the fear of living and the fear of death. I refuse to live for the fear of dying and refuse to live for the fear of everything that you give me.

Dreamworld

Darkness screams at you, every nerve vibrating faster than the speed of sound, your every moment of fear sways around you like a whirlwind. Everything broke, as the rain poured heavily from beneath the dirt, and the tree roots grew strong in the sky as the leaves gently fell upwards into the clouds before disappearing from sight.

With your emptiness, you mumble all day long, in your head, out loud, yet somehow are still lost for words to speak. And how could you ever forget the ghosts travelling through the hidden pathways in your mind?

The faint silhouette of evil lingers in your mind.  Droplets of guilt raise from the dirt, but they do not fall, they just fly. The air smells of anguish and fear, but you are not afraid, not hurt, not angry. Not in this upside down world of yours, where you can be anything you want to be.

Dreams and nightmares mean nothing as your emerald green grass sparkles with delight, happy and alive. Dancing in meadows of flowers and the scent of beauty fills the air.

Your dreams show now pain, no fear, no anguish, your dreams where you can be whatever you want to be.

rhyming shit.

Rusting away like bark from a tree,
burning from the inside, this is you, this is me.
Crashing to the ground, and we can't even see,
death seems the only thing to let us be free.

boundaries.

It felt like bricks, falling, falling, crashing down.
Chairs stumbled to the ground.
and there was nothing left but broken-ness and death.
It felt like knives,
it felt like fear,
it felt like all these things that keep us captivated in our minds.
we build up bars to keep ourselves from falling,
we draw lines to keep ourselves from harm,
we make boundaries to save ourselves from pain.
I don't know why we bother, we just waste more time.
Breaking the bars to fall in love.
Rubbing out the lines to save someone else.
stepping out of our boundaries to trust the world with our lives.
Do you get it?
Do you understand?

falling.

Vivid images fill my mind,
memories of death, memories of birth.
memories of you.
I reached for the bedpost.
before I even realized I was falling.

So let's live,
like we're alive.

Nothing more, nothing less.

"I just thought I was stronger than this.."
"But you are strong, just because you feel- it doesn't mean you're weak. It makes you human.
Nothing more.
Nothing less."

those moments.

Do you ever have those moments,
where you flick through all the contacts,
people.
anyone, because you need to talk to someone?
do you ever have those moments where out of 200 people.
there is no-one you can confide in?

I miss you.

And the fears of growing up are starting too dawn on me.
They follow me around.
Like the ghost of who you used to be.
I miss you, your guidance and help.
I miss you I miss you I miss you..

In this.

I huddled into the warm arms of that jumper.

I took comfort in the fact that you wore this.

you breathed in this.

you laughed in this.

smiled in this.

felt in this.

I took comfort in the fact that you were in this.

that you were alive.

that you fucking existed.

scared.

your fear.
you are fear.
you are afraid.

Are you scared?
I am.

I am not empty!

They say that your eyes are the key to your soul.

so look at me and tell me what you see?

Because when I look into my eyes I see nothing but emptiness. 

Now tell me, is this statement true?

Because I'm sure as hell not fucking empty.

I'm a pot of boiling water, with the lid still on, every bubble of emotion trying to get out.

sad, happy, scared.... emotion .

not emptiness.

Never again

I sat in a ball, pressed into the corner.
I let the water roll off me,
wash away the days stress,
soak away the pain... just for a little while.
I took a breath and switched the water off.
Stood in a small glass cubicle, as all the fear dripped away.
Looking through the glass, through the looking glass.
I saw what I have become.
I am ashamed too say that I am disgusted with what I see.
And I will never look at myself again.

The same.

I heard the wind call my name today.
I followed the voices in my head,
and I felt free for a moment. together we breathed the same air.
stood under the same moon.
walked on the same earth.
it's funny though.
How I don't even know you.

Not.

In perfection we stand, listening to the lies of the honest, and the truths of the liars.
are we afraid of dreaming, or afraid of reality?
are breathing or are we screaming?
The answer isn't who we are, or what we want,
it doesn't pull us away from everything we have ever needed.
it's not life nor death that makes us shut down or open up.
It's not me, it's not you.
It's just not.

Rain.

we're dripping like rain drops, they fall from the sky so graciously we don't think about how it feels to hit the pavement.
I breathed you in last night, and tonight we pretended to be children again. The moments spent with you pull me deeper under the surface, and as we part I realize I was only falling. Only drifting.
and like rain, when you're gone, I remember I'm about too hit the pavement.

Smile

when I speak a word with you,
I know how alive I become.
I feel happiness in my heart when your name comes up.
what a shame it only happens once in a while.

bruises

In a way I am glad I have dark skin.
I bruise easily.
you just can't see it.

I can't stop thinking about him. He is always in my head and it is more painful than happy feelings. I just want him to want me.

I think I broke my nuckle.

Editors note?

it's gone.

if...

I keep asking myself,
if i was prettier,
skinnier,
smarter,
older...
would you want me then?
Every second with you makes me want you more.
I want you so fucking much.

You are disgusting.

People are disgusting,
They use you, hurt you, leave you.
It's a never ending fucking cycle and I'm already over it.
Why do we have to live like this.
calling people your friends, when they just fuck off anyway?
when they don't give a shit that they are leaving you hurt, because they only care about themselves?
and you! yeah you! you are one of the most self centered, bitchy, cruel, heartless, mean, hurting people that I've ever met in my life and I fucking HATE YOU!!!!!!
How can you not care about the people you say you love? the people you call your bestfriends? How can you not give a fuck, how can you be so fucking heartless!?
I would not ever treat people the way you do, hurt people, not care about people the way you do.
You're disgusting and I just want you to fucking leave.
I hate you.
LEAVE!!!!!!!!

Don't care anymore.

I turned to you,

and called out your name.

"You just broke the glass"

you didn't even turn back-

instead you whispered that you didn't care anymore.

Hope.

I can see where you're hiding.

And it's no longer a secret.

I stumbled across the depths of an empty ocean,

waiting for nothing to emerge,

but expecting something like a tidal wave- to sweep me off my feet, fly me away.

Even when I knew there was nothing,

I still hoped for something.

I guess that's what keeps us going, is hoping,

even when we know there is no reason to hope.

In The Shadows.

So desperation takes over,
and we're living in the shadows of someone better, someone stronger, someone skinnier.
We fear light, and darkness until we become afraid of everything.
We paddle up-stream for the help,
and when we're in love- let the water take us down.
But either way we're living in the shadows.
Behind the truth... there is people like me.
there is people like you.

Drowned.

You're like raindrops.

you fall from the sky and seep into peoples shoes,

soak them, in a way you drown them..

You've drowned me.

fight, win.

You fought with your hands behind your back.
not tied, but chained.
You fought the world with your hands chained behind your back.
And the most amazing part is;
you won.

Broken Glass

We smiled at the sun, and disappeared underwater.
Your beauty elapsed and together we held, strong and fearless.
You breathed with me, and we treaded water for years.
Well I suppose,
It's better than walking on broken glass.

About A Boy.

I've moved on from writing about life, to writing about a boy.
A stupid boy.
Read the last few pages.
They're so much more freaking meaningful.

Define Beauty.

Define beauty..

Beauty is the sun that looms under the earth and heats it from the outside in.

Beauty is not what we have heard, nor what we know.

You're beauty..

But I'm not.

Take care of you.

I'd take care of you kid.

Have you

I've never wanted anything so badly.
but I can't simply save my money,
or put it into a savings account.
You're what I want the most,
and there is no way I can have you.

four years.

You crawled your way into my life, you didn't even mean to.
But I'll tell you one thing.
I didn't want you from the start.
is four years too much?
I don't want it to be.
because i think.
I think i need you.

you.

you make me live in a world that is not my own.
it belongs to you now.
But my world however, belongs to no-one of the sort.
my world, your world.
our world.
give me your world, and I swear I'll take care of it.
I will take care of you.

where did it go?

You see it when you shine a light into the night sky,
or when you lose someone you love.
You feel it when you're lonely, hurt..
You know it.
That somehow, somewhere, the lightness always gets lost in the dark.

I want you.

I'll do everything I can,
to have you in my arms.

Decoy.

I guess you took my mind away for a while,
smothered it with kindness,
made me feel alive.
But it's not you I want.
You're simply a pain relief.
Like a lolly for a sore throat.
I don't want you.
I just enjoy having you.
My little decoy.

Replacement.

I guess there was nothing where there should have been you.

And I guess there was someone else, where I used to be.

Remember.

Do you remember me?
My smile?
My eyes?
My laugh?
Do you remember me?
"I've been thinking about you.."
... Where was my phone call?
email?
text?
letter?
Where were you?
Do you remember me?
I'll tell you one thing..    I sure remember you.

Disappear.

I'm going to disappear.
You will never recognize me,
I'm going to be no-one you have ever met,
heard of, or seen..
I'm going to be like that ghost you think you saw.
I'll flash past every once in a while.
But I want to forget you, who I was before.
I want to forget everything.
I want to disappear.

We break.

We are not alive,

Not dead...

Instead we walk the planet with routine,

with life,

standing on top of the world with belief of nothing.

Trying, trying to stand tall.

But we break with nothing,

In the arms of no-one.

We break..

with nothing.

Starting over..

We could run away,
start over,
begin again.
We could disappear,
and leave no trace behind us.
We could fly away on magic carpets and never look back.
we could start over.
where nobody knows my name.
my looks
my personality,
where people can make fresh judgments.
I want to start over.
I want to leave this place.

Fade Away.

A smile that beautiful lights me up for a moment.
But then you fade to black,
you fade away,
and the moment you disappear,
I fade along with you.

Again.

Bruised knuckles
and broken walls,
smashing plates
and slamming doors.

you've already gone mad,
you're losing yourself.
wake up again.
snap out of it.
Girl, open your eyes again.

Reality.

Reality tore you,
broke you, changed you.
Like the turning winds of a cyclone,
reality changed your life.
You're like a tidal wave or an earthquake.
Like a bush fire, or a hail storm.
You're so frightening.
But I swear to god you can take me if you want.

Nightmares.

My nightmares feel so real.
They could almost be dreams.
Except I have to wake up, and that just makes it scary.
What's happening to me?
This ... this feeling in my chest.
It won't go away.
My heart hurts.
Go away, Go away.
I can't think.
Go away!

Seven Words.

My knees weren't strong enough to hold me,
the buckled, broke, fell underneath me.
I sort of stumbled.
I couldn't really speak.
or breathe.
or think....
seven words I repeated in my head..
why the fuck did you leave?!

Nothing & Everything.

There was nothing.
Air, water, trees, sand, dirt, flowers everywhere.
But there was nothing.
No light,
No fear.
No pain.
No anger.
No happiness.
No joy.
No...
No..
Nothing.
There was nothing.
You're fucking nothing.
We're nothing.
you're a reflection of the sun.
The ripple of the water.
The splash from the puddle.
you're nothing.
but your everything.

Evil.

It's like evil.
Can't be seen, heard, smelt.
Can't be touched, killed or felt.
I'm like evil.
Can't be seen. Can't be seen.
But I'm always there.

feeling.

I love the taste of tears, 

It means I'm crying.

It means I'm hurting.

god, god it means I'm feeling.

tell me.

I don't know if this is what I want...

It's just going to break me. 

It's just going to hurt more when our times up.

Two sides to every story.

You are like the wind, the air, the trees.
You surround me, stalk me, suffocate me.
Yeah, I need you.
But you're fucking killing me.

Drowning.

The water never told me to swim, never whispered to me to try and save myself.
Instead I simply floated. It kind of felt like flying.
But even as the harsh waves pulled me under, choking me, the taste of salt and water washing through my body.
Even then I couldn't let myself believe this was painful.
I was stuck, struggling, drowning- for a moment.
I wish I'd stayed there.
I wish I never resurfaced.

Breakable.

you're falling, like leaves in autumn, like rain from rainclouds.
you're falling.
I wish you could catch me.

only you.

I wish I was beautiful.
Skinny.
Pretty.
Amazing...
I contradict myself too often.
But that's not what I care about.
what I care about is you.
what I want... is you.

Endless.

Like telephone poles line the road.
And everything else simply breaks.
I can't find the end to this woven piece of string.
The possibilities are infinite.

No, I don't understand it either.

I think we sometimes forget the purest form of love;
hatred.

A little bit of contentment.

I don't really think I have a hard life.
there are just a few things I could do with, and a few things I could do without.
Just like every other human on the planet, I feel sad and have a low self esteem. etc etc.
I wonder sometimes "is this normal, or am I feeling worse than other teenagers?"...   I pretty much figure that they ask themselves the exact same thing.
for some reason right now I really don't feel to bad.
I just want a few things is all. But that's natural.
yeah... I've missed feeling like this, actually I can't remember the last time I did.
I hope it lasts, in a way...
I'm sure I'm going to be okay..

Exactly the same.

I keep trying to get myself to write something poetic. maybe later..

I think it's disgusting, I disgust myself. Girls, boys, teenagers, adults.
we are all exactly the fucking same.
We talk about our best friends, then stick up for them, we talk about the friends we were talking about our best friend with to our best friends, we pretend we are all so sweet and innocent. and whilst complaining about a certain someone we don't even fucking realize what we're doing.
"she is so fucking annoying and bitchy, I can't believe all the stuff she says about us behind our back- she annoys me so much I fucking hate her, lets keep this from her and not even tell her because she annoys us..."
who is the fucking cruel one here?
answer... all of us. it's a never ending cycle of cruel abuse because people aren't happy that your not perfect. I do it to. which is why I make myself sick. I say these things, about my friends!! 


we are the same, it's fucking disgusting- but its true. we're only human. but who ever gave us permission to be so nasty to each other?
and what would the world be like if we simply changed it?

Deeper.

You think you know about the sharp edges of the water?

The water that meets the sand and washes itself onto tho shore like when the moon meets the sun?

well you don't.

Truth is nobody does. 

Nobody knows about water or sand or the sun or the moon.

ask somebody to describe it. 

sun-hot/big/orange

moon-night/big/white

water-cold/wet/liquid

sand-grainy/hard/soft. 

Oh you're so right. 

But why not look deeper? the meaning for the sun the moon and the sharp edges of the water. 

deeper than what these things look like.. 

are you getting the drift?

I sure am.

Day by day.

If you really think about it, you put trust in almost every single person in your life.

Some say they trust nobody- It's the biggest fucking lie. 

You trust your friends to be considerate. 

you trust the post-man to deliver your mail.

The check out chick to give you the right change. 

Your parents to love you.

You car dealer to sell you a safe car. 

Every human on the planet not to steal your handbag or phone.

I wish it were possible, to undo every string of trust you put in anybody and simply disappear. 

Trusting somebody only leads to being taught never to trust anybody. 

which is a pointless lesson considering it isn't even fucking possible.

would it matter?

Sometimes I wonder why we want.
The new style, the perfect body, the newest ipod or the shiniest toy..
you could die tomorrow.
It wouldn't fucking matter then, would it?

I guess it felt like...

I guess it felt like fire. I guess it felt like nothing.
I guess I couldn't breathe.
I wanted you, I wanted you.
All I can think is fucking- "Who would love somebody like that?"
That, that, that, me, me, me. I'm so disgusting.
I'm so ugly.
I'm so fat.
I have such terrible hair.
I have the worst personality.
I have no friends.
He would never fucking want me.

And god I'm selfish.
I have a roof over my head.
Food in my fridge.
Easy access to education.
Money in my bank.
and yet I complain...   I'm only human .
I am allowed to think these nasty things about myself, right? Just like everybody else.
But really. I shouldn't complain.
Maybe you should start looking at what you do have, rather than what you don't.
I make myself sick.
I wish I could have you, one of you.
There is only two...
I just want one.
but....
who would love somebody like that?

empty.

I don't think that I had ever felt so empty before.
It was like my chest had been torn open and my insides ripped out, and left nothing but the dripping remains of savaged emptiness.
I stuffed myself full of everything I could get into my mouth at once, trying to fill the hole that bobbled around inside me. It didn't work though, It was like the food, the pills, the everything was just sucked into the huge black hole in my chest making it bigger and bigger, emptier and emptier.
Soon, I was left with an aching stomach and I hole the size of the sun in myself.
I wished I felt numb again. Because being numb, and being empty.
Are two completely different things.

Welcome to the chambers.

This is simply my introduction.
All I can say is;
I could never speak the things I write.
You will never know my name.
This is everything I don't show.
This is behind my locked doors.