Monday, September 26, 2011

by myself

I feel so alone right now. so empty. i feel like nothing could feel worse in the world. i just keep picturing her arms around you.. worse. your arms around her. I see all these things that i just want to go away, and all i can think is how much i would do, just to have you as mine. i feel so sad and alone and sad. and sick. i still feel sick. :( there isn't anything left of me anymore. without you, there's nothing. there's just this big empty space where you should be. i just want you.
and i hate her for what she did. and i hate you for hurting me so much, and i hate that i cant hate you for what you've done. and i hate me for not being good enough for you.. or for anyone. and i hate me for seeing your eyes everytime i close mine. i hate me for dreaming about you every night, and thinking about you when i wake up. i hate me for you being the only thing inside my head, even when there's a million other things going on, you're always there. i hate me for not being  able to enjoy myself without you. i hate me for loving your imperfections. i hate me for knowing, really knowing what you look like, the shape of your nose, your eyes, your hands, your voice, your freckles, your marks, your tattoos, the way you smile, the kid voice you do,  the little boy i see, the man that i watched sleep, the crease between your eyes, the stubby little hairs on your face, the way you look when you smile, how deep your eyes go, the way you say sorry, the way you hug me, the way you smell, the way you drive, what you look like in your car, the way you laugh, the way you mock me, the shape your hair falls into naturally, the way you walk, i hate it. i hate how well i know you. and i hate how much i love every single piece of you.

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