Sunday, October 2, 2011

I'm in such a sad horrible mood again. I'm kind of proud of myself for ignoring him today, but what if i just seemed like a bitch? he came into work, i could see him from the corner of my eyes, waiting for me to notice him, but i stared straight ahead and pretended i didn't even know he was there. I could feel him watching me, and i just wanted to go and get a hug from him, or something...
but i didn't, i ignored him completely, and you want to know what fucking sucks the most? he didn't even say anything. he didn't say my name, or say hi, or even... he didn't try to get me to see him.
he didn't try.
he doesn't care. I haven't spoken to him... in how long? I think it's a week now.
and it's killing me, it really is. there's nothing worse than feeling like this, i just feel so empty, like there's no reason for anything because it's like he doesn't exist, but honestly. i wish he didn't, right now. i wish i could go to work without worrying about him coming in, i wish he would just go away so i could have the time off from thinking about him.
oh my god.
you know what is really fucking shit!!!?? i was supposed to have a month away from him, one month, thats what the roster was, and now they've changed it, and i've got half a shift with him in two weeks.
that ruins this fucking thing.
i need as much time as i can get,
but i can't get shit because i keep seeing him. i'm so angry right now.
i either want a full ball interaction, a hang out, a really really long hug, a sleep over and talks from him.
or nothing.
no seeing. no talking.
none of this inbetween shit.
it jsut fucks me over.
this is so horrible.
i wish i could convey how painful it is.... i'm starting to hate god.
that's a really bad thing to say.
but i'm starting to hate i don't even know if i "believe" it's so strange. whatever. i'm starting to hate destiny.. life. fate. whattever. i'm starting to hate whatever the fuck dangled him in front of me, only to rip everything away and have him close enough for me to see everything happen to him, but not to actually be with him, or ... i don't know. whatever. i'm starting to hate everything.
and i don't believe. i don't believe in anything anymore.
justice is fucked,
fate is fucked
destiny is fucked
happiness is fucked
life is fucked
i am fucked.
i just want to get out of here. i want to disappear and go someplace so far away and i never have to see him again.
maybe if i was beautiful.
maybe then.
i just want to go away.

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