AARGH!!!

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUCK!!! what do I do ? oh god! the idea for that month without him was supposed to be the time i let him go. but no. i saw him last week, and was like. fuck. so i started again! and i saw him today. and he hugged me. so tightly. god i wanted to cry. i tried to hide from him at work. i didnt want to see him. but even though he wasnt working he came to find me, and heald me. i wanted him. so badly. i :( oh god i was doing so well. until i saw him. his smile. his jokes. it doesnt matter, what he does he makes me happy. he made me so happy. but then he left. i didnt want him to leave. but he left. to go have dinner with her. I HATE HER!!!!!! oh ... god. it hurt. and i couldnt help myself. after he left.. i... i did something, stupid. fucking stupid. it didnt stop the pain! nothing can stop me from hurting when it comes to him.

SOMEONE PLEASE PPLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!    i cant do this anymore. i just cant. 

I know that anything that is supposed to be will be, or anything that is, is supposed to be... But somehow I can't help but think that somewhere, somehow...something went completely wrong. and that's why there's suicide, that is why we all hate ourselves, that's why we're in love with people who will never love us the way we need them too. That somehow, god, or fate, or whatever the fuck you want to call it... made a huge mistake, and now there's nothing worth living up too anymore because it's all wrong, and for some reason, we're not fit for the live we've been given. 

I've been breaking down so easily lately. and I don't know how to make the pain stop. 

I've been searching.

Tracing over the blogs, the diaries the texts messages. trying to find the precise time that I fell for you..

It's unfortunate though, it wasn't just a sudden thing. It built up... There was no certain time. One day I was in love... 
and it's been like that ever since. 
I won't ever forget you. 

can someone please, please, tell me how to deal with this. I've never felt so miserable. 

Fuckfuckfuckfuck...

God damn it. I needed that time, I thought he wasn't going to be there! fuck! I had to go into work to collect some money and they said that it was just those two on tonight. so i assumed he wasn't there! but he was staying back late. so i saw him :( it was good, because, he tried to calm me down, he put his hands on me. just a friendly gesture. but... it hurts . now.i just. i cant do this anymore.

When you held my hand today.

I know you just needed to write something on it, but...

it just felt so right. 

Sorry.

It's been a while, since I've written in this blog, sort of anyways. I think it is because i have mainly just been writing down my little thoughts on my tumblr. and whatever, but god. Nothing is better that this blog, this blog is where I completely let everything out. everything, I pour my heart out to you, no one outside knows anything about how I feel except those who read this. I think it's because no one I know can see this, if anyone I knew had seen this, god.. I would be so lost. Not even my closests friends know about this blog. god, its disgusting how I can't trust them.. not a single one.
Everything has been building up lately, everything. There is so much going on and all its doing is causing me pain. I want you. I want you... I know, it's back to him yet again, but I want him. so much, so much more than anything i have ever wanted in my life, so much more... he doesn't understand, I know he doesn't. he doesn't even care, he never replies to me anymore, hell. I don't even know if he see's me anymore. I've looked at the staff rosters, and because he is on annual leave soon-ish, and I don't see him at all next week it means I've got about 3 weeks/a month without seeing him, I know i wont get any text messages, or calls, or anything. I don't want to send him anything either, I'm trying to de tatch, remain in complete NOCONTACT, for the next however long I have without him. .. but I know i can't do that, during the time he is away it's his birthday. and I can't ignore that, I can't ignore the birth of such a beautiful human on this planet. I plan to keep my message short and simple.
"Happy Birthday. Have a wonderful day, thank you for everything. I love you! : D"
He doesn't understand when I say I love him.. How much I mean it. ah fuck.
He's been so playfull with me lately, today. I went up to him and I was like "Hey, I'm not gonna see you for ages, give me a hug"... so I hugged him. he heald me so tightly, I never wanted to let go. it was perfect. beautiful. I wanted him.
back to the birthday thing. I want to get him a present, of course. i wanted to go all out, but his girlfriend will do that. I cant do that. he doesnt belong to me. god he loves her so much. it was her birthday not long ago, he bought her all these cute things, including a bracelet with their names engraved on it, and arranged it so she found it in a cute way. I tortured myself by asking.
I want to write him a letter, well a card. and say something like.
"Hey you! Happy Birthday! :D I hope you had a fantastic day. I wanted to say thank you for being so epic and making me smile even when no one else could, thanks for being there for me and listening to me blabber on about shit all the time. you're an amazing friend, and god I am so happy to have you in my life. thank you for everything. Love you long time (; xoxo"
should i? god. I don't know.
why does writing all that make me feel so much better? its just bullshit.

moving on, my body. i hate it so much right now. I don't know whats wrong with me. there is so many imperfections. and i mean so many. I even have fucking rashes and shit now. :/ god. oh well.  just another thing to add to the list of things i hate about myself.
thank you, for reading :/ I'm so sorry.

I don't know what to do anymore..

I love him. when I don't see him, I;m okay... well kind of, I don't hurt, I don't think about it so  much, i force it into the back of my mind and pretend like it isn't there. but when, when you are here.. you're all I think about, I can't help it, I can't push it away. you come into my life and you talk about her, all the sweet stuff you do. all the.. everything. and I can't breathe and I want to cry. and I want you to grab me and either hold me and say you love me, or just kill me. because you are, you're killing me so slowly. I don't know what to do anymore . I don't want to try... I can't do it for much longer. I need to get away.
forever.