Friday, June 24, 2011

I'm so sick of everything. I hate fucking everything. I'm sick of one.
fuck. you. all. ugh. you're all the same.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Whats the reason behind trying?!

I don't see the point anymore.

I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't smile... I can't get away from these feelings, they chase me everywhere. They echo your name. I can't get away from you. ugh. fuck. I can't get away from my own head. I can't block things out. Something little happens and I want to cry, I do cry and it keeps happening, because I keep thinking about how fucking useless I am. I can't even... there's no point to anything anymore. I can't be fucked trying because no matter how hard I try I fail. no matter what the fuck I do... I fail. I'm failing maths. I'm failing biology. I'm failing art. I'm failing at living. I'm failing at happiness. I'm failing at having you. I just. I'm failing. I'm just a failed attempt at everything. Why don't I get it? why can't I have you.. justt once. you?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Nothing in the world.

I want nothing more than you. nothing more than being able to hold your hand. I want nothing more than feeling your chest, listening to your heart beat in my ears, because for that, I feel safe. I want nothing more than you to hold me close. Be with me. Love me. I don't want anything in the entire world as much as I want you.
it's all for you. 

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Last night.

When he was telling me about her, what she's doing, i thought I hated her because 'I would never be like that..'
But then a realised why, why I hate her so much.
It's because I would, I would do the exact same things, I'd be exactly like her, I'd be everything you want if you'd just take the chance.
I hate her because I would be the same, and you still chose her.

Friday, June 10, 2011

The past few weeks.

They've been a blur, a painful one- I don't know, I've been hurting excessively lately, I don't know why, I don't really understand it... The amount of times I have/havenearly cried, in the past few weeks is ridiculous, I'm so stressed about everything, and I'm having trouble finding the light in any of the situations that keep popping up. I haven't seen 'him', so.. thats a plus... I suppose. god, i can't wait till this is over- I want this pain to stop.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

I want you to lose me,
so you realize just how much you need me.

Friday, June 3, 2011

I didn't know how I felt.

But not to worry. one glance in your direction. one second in your presence, reminds me of that. of exactly how I feel.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The conversation.

Him: "whats up sis? haven't seen you in ages :( missing you"- it's been a week.
Me: Haha, awh. Hey, I miss you too. xD yeah i know right D: it's really shit when we don't work together. sup?"
Him: You know you're my sis ay. wouldn't let nothing happen to you :) never leave you sis"
Me: You drunk or something? awh. thaanks. love you long time. thanks for everything (:
him: I'm a little drunk. but I'll love you long time xoxox
me:hahahah. thought you might be. good to know man. i'll show you these messages when you sober up. you type fantastic for a drunk person.
him: ur a beautiful girl ay. u stress too much bout finding someone. just b urself.
Me: thaanks. but i'm really not at all. i'm not worried about finding anyone, i'm just sick of being the yucky one no one wants.
Him; ur not yucky. you're sexy.
me:hahahahahaha. you're so drunk. you make me laugh. i cant wait to show you these messages. /
him:i'm serious. youre gorgeous. u'll find someone great.
me;:yeahyeah whatevs bruss.
him: to tell you da truth, if i werent in a relationship i'd be hitting you up.
me: suuuure. ahha. you're so retarted.

SEEE!!!! I AM SO FUCKING CONFUSED!! GAH. I can't say that what he said didn't make me smile . of course it did, he called me beautiful again- then i suppose he was drunk. ugh. either way. he was drunk. but, i crossed his mind? that means soemthing to me, which is probably why i got so deep into my feelings. because i make nothing into something. just. argh. i was finally accepting that i'm never going to have a chance with him. now he is saying that! the not being in a relationship. i know he was just trying to make me feel better but now i'm going to be fucking waiting around FOR LONGER! for him to see. i don't know how i feel right now.. it's kind of like... i've got a chance. hold on. and then there is like...  fuck you. fuck you for confusing me and mucking with my fucking brain you retard!

I love him though... I wish he understood what i mean when I say things like "love you long time..." he'll never get it. I wish he knew.