I'm so sick of everything. I hate fucking everything. I'm sick of one.
fuck. you. all. ugh. you're all the same.

I'm tired of being in love. it shouldn't hurt like this.

Whats the reason behind trying?!
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. 

I don't see the point anymore.

I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't smile... I can't get away from these feelings, they chase me everywhere. They echo your name. I can't get away from you. ugh. fuck. I can't get away from my own head. I can't block things out. Something little happens and I want to cry, I do cry and it keeps happening, because I keep thinking about how fucking useless I am. I can't even... there's no point to anything anymore. I can't be fucked trying because no matter how hard I try I fail. no matter what the fuck I do... I fail. I'm failing maths. I'm failing biology. I'm failing art. I'm failing at living. I'm failing at happiness. I'm failing at having you. I just. I'm failing. I'm just a failed attempt at everything. Why don't I get it? why can't I have you.. justt once. you?

Nothing in the world.

I want nothing more than you. nothing more than being able to hold your hand. I want nothing more than feeling your chest, listening to your heart beat in my ears, because for that, I feel safe. I want nothing more than you to hold me close. Be with me. Love me. I don't want anything in the entire world as much as I want you.
you. 
it's all for you. 

Last night.

When he was telling me about her, what she's doing, i thought I hated her because 'I would never be like that..'
But then a realised why, why I hate her so much.
It's because I would, I would do the exact same things, I'd be exactly like her, I'd be everything you want if you'd just take the chance.
I hate her because I would be the same, and you still chose her.

The past few weeks.

They've been a blur, a painful one- I don't know, I've been hurting excessively lately, I don't know why, I don't really understand it... The amount of times I have/havenearly cried, in the past few weeks is ridiculous, I'm so stressed about everything, and I'm having trouble finding the light in any of the situations that keep popping up. I haven't seen 'him', so.. thats a plus... I suppose. god, i can't wait till this is over- I want this pain to stop.

I want you to lose me,
so you realize just how much you need me.

I didn't know how I felt.

But not to worry. one glance in your direction. one second in your presence, reminds me of that. of exactly how I feel.

The conversation.

Him: "whats up sis? haven't seen you in ages :( missing you"- it's been a week.
Me: Haha, awh. Hey, I miss you too. xD yeah i know right D: it's really shit when we don't work together. sup?"
Him: You know you're my sis ay. wouldn't let nothing happen to you :) never leave you sis"
Me: You drunk or something? awh. thaanks. love you long time. thanks for everything (:
him: I'm a little drunk. but I'll love you long time xoxox
me:hahahah. thought you might be. good to know man. i'll show you these messages when you sober up. you type fantastic for a drunk person.
him: ur a beautiful girl ay. u stress too much bout finding someone. just b urself.
Me: thaanks. but i'm really not at all. i'm not worried about finding anyone, i'm just sick of being the yucky one no one wants.
Him; ur not yucky. you're sexy.
me:hahahahahaha. you're so drunk. you make me laugh. i cant wait to show you these messages. /
him:i'm serious. youre gorgeous. u'll find someone great.
me;:yeahyeah whatevs bruss.
him: to tell you da truth, if i werent in a relationship i'd be hitting you up.
me: suuuure. ahha. you're so retarted.
NO REPLY.

SEEE!!!! I AM SO FUCKING CONFUSED!! GAH. I can't say that what he said didn't make me smile . of course it did, he called me beautiful again- then i suppose he was drunk. ugh. either way. he was drunk. but, i crossed his mind? that means soemthing to me, which is probably why i got so deep into my feelings. because i make nothing into something. just. argh. i was finally accepting that i'm never going to have a chance with him. now he is saying that! the not being in a relationship. i know he was just trying to make me feel better but now i'm going to be fucking waiting around FOR LONGER! for him to see. i don't know how i feel right now.. it's kind of like... i've got a chance. hold on. and then there is like...  fuck you. fuck you for confusing me and mucking with my fucking brain you retard!

I love him though... I wish he understood what i mean when I say things like "love you long time..." he'll never get it. I wish he knew.