Decoy.

I guess you took my mind away for a while,
smothered it with kindness,
made me feel alive.
But it's not you I want.
You're simply a pain relief.
Like a lolly for a sore throat.
I don't want you.
I just enjoy having you.
My little decoy.

Replacement.

I guess there was nothing where there should have been you.

And I guess there was someone else, where I used to be.

Remember.

Do you remember me?
My smile?
My eyes?
My laugh?
Do you remember me?
"I've been thinking about you.."
... Where was my phone call?
email?
text?
letter?
Where were you?
Do you remember me?
I'll tell you one thing..    I sure remember you.

Disappear.

I'm going to disappear.
You will never recognize me,
I'm going to be no-one you have ever met,
heard of, or seen..
I'm going to be like that ghost you think you saw.
I'll flash past every once in a while.
But I want to forget you, who I was before.
I want to forget everything.
I want to disappear.

We break.

We are not alive,

Not dead...

Instead we walk the planet with routine,

with life,

standing on top of the world with belief of nothing.

Trying, trying to stand tall.

But we break with nothing,

In the arms of no-one.

We break..

with nothing.

Starting over..

We could run away,
start over,
begin again.
We could disappear,
and leave no trace behind us.
We could fly away on magic carpets and never look back.
we could start over.
where nobody knows my name.
my looks
my personality,
where people can make fresh judgments.
I want to start over.
I want to leave this place.

Fade Away.

A smile that beautiful lights me up for a moment.
But then you fade to black,
you fade away,
and the moment you disappear,
I fade along with you.

Again.

Bruised knuckles
and broken walls,
smashing plates
and slamming doors.

you've already gone mad,
you're losing yourself.
wake up again.
snap out of it.
Girl, open your eyes again.

Reality.

Reality tore you,
broke you, changed you.
Like the turning winds of a cyclone,
reality changed your life.
You're like a tidal wave or an earthquake.
Like a bush fire, or a hail storm.
You're so frightening.
But I swear to god you can take me if you want.

Nightmares.

My nightmares feel so real.
They could almost be dreams.
Except I have to wake up, and that just makes it scary.
What's happening to me?
This ... this feeling in my chest.
It won't go away.
My heart hurts.
Go away, Go away.
I can't think.
Go away!

Seven Words.

My knees weren't strong enough to hold me,
the buckled, broke, fell underneath me.
I sort of stumbled.
I couldn't really speak.
or breathe.
or think....
seven words I repeated in my head..
why the fuck did you leave?!

Nothing & Everything.

There was nothing.
Air, water, trees, sand, dirt, flowers everywhere.
But there was nothing.
No light,
No fear.
No pain.
No anger.
No happiness.
No joy.
No...
No..
Nothing.
There was nothing.
You're fucking nothing.
We're nothing.
you're a reflection of the sun.
The ripple of the water.
The splash from the puddle.
you're nothing.
but your everything.

Evil.

It's like evil.
Can't be seen, heard, smelt.
Can't be touched, killed or felt.
I'm like evil.
Can't be seen. Can't be seen.
But I'm always there.

feeling.

I love the taste of tears, 

It means I'm crying.

It means I'm hurting.

god, god it means I'm feeling.

tell me.

I don't know if this is what I want...

It's just going to break me. 

It's just going to hurt more when our times up.

Two sides to every story.

You are like the wind, the air, the trees.
You surround me, stalk me, suffocate me.
Yeah, I need you.
But you're fucking killing me.

Drowning.

The water never told me to swim, never whispered to me to try and save myself.
Instead I simply floated. It kind of felt like flying.
But even as the harsh waves pulled me under, choking me, the taste of salt and water washing through my body.
Even then I couldn't let myself believe this was painful.
I was stuck, struggling, drowning- for a moment.
I wish I'd stayed there.
I wish I never resurfaced.

Breakable.

you're falling, like leaves in autumn, like rain from rainclouds.
you're falling.
I wish you could catch me.

only you.

I wish I was beautiful.
Skinny.
Pretty.
Amazing...
I contradict myself too often.
But that's not what I care about.
what I care about is you.
what I want... is you.

Endless.

Like telephone poles line the road.
And everything else simply breaks.
I can't find the end to this woven piece of string.
The possibilities are infinite.

No, I don't understand it either.

I think we sometimes forget the purest form of love;
hatred.

A little bit of contentment.

I don't really think I have a hard life.
there are just a few things I could do with, and a few things I could do without.
Just like every other human on the planet, I feel sad and have a low self esteem. etc etc.
I wonder sometimes "is this normal, or am I feeling worse than other teenagers?"...   I pretty much figure that they ask themselves the exact same thing.
for some reason right now I really don't feel to bad.
I just want a few things is all. But that's natural.
yeah... I've missed feeling like this, actually I can't remember the last time I did.
I hope it lasts, in a way...
I'm sure I'm going to be okay..

Exactly the same.

I keep trying to get myself to write something poetic. maybe later..

I think it's disgusting, I disgust myself. Girls, boys, teenagers, adults.
we are all exactly the fucking same.
We talk about our best friends, then stick up for them, we talk about the friends we were talking about our best friend with to our best friends, we pretend we are all so sweet and innocent. and whilst complaining about a certain someone we don't even fucking realize what we're doing.
"she is so fucking annoying and bitchy, I can't believe all the stuff she says about us behind our back- she annoys me so much I fucking hate her, lets keep this from her and not even tell her because she annoys us..."
who is the fucking cruel one here?
answer... all of us. it's a never ending cycle of cruel abuse because people aren't happy that your not perfect. I do it to. which is why I make myself sick. I say these things, about my friends!! 


we are the same, it's fucking disgusting- but its true. we're only human. but who ever gave us permission to be so nasty to each other?
and what would the world be like if we simply changed it?

Deeper.

You think you know about the sharp edges of the water?

The water that meets the sand and washes itself onto tho shore like when the moon meets the sun?

well you don't.

Truth is nobody does. 

Nobody knows about water or sand or the sun or the moon.

ask somebody to describe it. 

sun-hot/big/orange

moon-night/big/white

water-cold/wet/liquid

sand-grainy/hard/soft. 

Oh you're so right. 

But why not look deeper? the meaning for the sun the moon and the sharp edges of the water. 

deeper than what these things look like.. 

are you getting the drift?

I sure am.

Day by day.

If you really think about it, you put trust in almost every single person in your life.

Some say they trust nobody- It's the biggest fucking lie. 

You trust your friends to be considerate. 

you trust the post-man to deliver your mail.

The check out chick to give you the right change. 

Your parents to love you.

You car dealer to sell you a safe car. 

Every human on the planet not to steal your handbag or phone.

I wish it were possible, to undo every string of trust you put in anybody and simply disappear. 

Trusting somebody only leads to being taught never to trust anybody. 

which is a pointless lesson considering it isn't even fucking possible.

would it matter?

Sometimes I wonder why we want.
The new style, the perfect body, the newest ipod or the shiniest toy..
you could die tomorrow.
It wouldn't fucking matter then, would it?

I guess it felt like...

I guess it felt like fire. I guess it felt like nothing.
I guess I couldn't breathe.
I wanted you, I wanted you.
All I can think is fucking- "Who would love somebody like that?"
That, that, that, me, me, me. I'm so disgusting.
I'm so ugly.
I'm so fat.
I have such terrible hair.
I have the worst personality.
I have no friends.
He would never fucking want me.

And god I'm selfish.
I have a roof over my head.
Food in my fridge.
Easy access to education.
Money in my bank.
and yet I complain...   I'm only human .
I am allowed to think these nasty things about myself, right? Just like everybody else.
But really. I shouldn't complain.
Maybe you should start looking at what you do have, rather than what you don't.
I make myself sick.
I wish I could have you, one of you.
There is only two...
I just want one.
but....
who would love somebody like that?

empty.

I don't think that I had ever felt so empty before.
It was like my chest had been torn open and my insides ripped out, and left nothing but the dripping remains of savaged emptiness.
I stuffed myself full of everything I could get into my mouth at once, trying to fill the hole that bobbled around inside me. It didn't work though, It was like the food, the pills, the everything was just sucked into the huge black hole in my chest making it bigger and bigger, emptier and emptier.
Soon, I was left with an aching stomach and I hole the size of the sun in myself.
I wished I felt numb again. Because being numb, and being empty.
Are two completely different things.

Welcome to the chambers.

This is simply my introduction.
All I can say is;
I could never speak the things I write.
You will never know my name.
This is everything I don't show.
This is behind my locked doors.