A boy that I had very brief feelings for about seven months ago has a bestfriend called "Kieran Allan"..
and you... you have two best friends. take a stab in the dark at their names.
Kieran and Allan...
coincidence?

Come to think of it, I don't want to be in love. I don't want to love anyone anymore. i wish i could break all my ties. there is just so much to lose. and I mean permenantly, death. I don't ever want to put everything into something that will never last.
i don't want to lose someone that I've given everything too. I don't think I'd be strong enough.

Finally.

My feelings are fading, seven months of anger and pain and guilt over you, it's finally fading. don't get me wrong, i still have strong feelings they just aren't that strong anymore. when I laugh with you I just.. i still want you, but no. it's okay. it doesn't stab me with a scolding knife... its more of a twinge. and then its gone.
thank god this is stopping. i'm not sure how long it will take me to completely get over you... but, wow. it feels great to be happier.

wow. there is so much going on in the world. and the only thing i can think about is how unhappy i am.

I want to go out and get so drunk that I can't remember what I did the next day.
I want to kiss 15 boys.
I want to fall in love with someone so wrong for me and have them love me back.
I want to do a million things I've never done- because I just want to live.
I want to know what it feels like to live life.
I'm not living, I'm not sooking about how numb I am because I'm not living. No, not living is me being scared of all the things that other teenagers do, try, feel.
that I never have.
I'm so afraid that I never will.

I saw you kiss her.

I stared out the window, numbness had taken me over that day. until i watched your car pull up.. I smiled for a moment. yay, you're here... until she leant over. until she put herself into the picture and you kissed her. I saw you kiss her. I looked away. trembling. that hurt a bit.
I heard the door beep. but stayed steady in the kitchen. I braced myself for the meeting, the final end, the "hey __ this is __" I held on, imagined what I was going to say "it's so nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you"...
I waited and waited.. there was nothing. just another beep. I watched you speed away, your hand in hers.
I couldn't breathe. I can't believe you! how dare you not say a thing to me? how dare you fucking pretend I'm not here!!? all i've heard about for the past months is her her her her her her her her!!!! yet she doesn't even know I EXIST?! ever since she has been in the picture , i don't mean shit anymore. i fucking hate you for everything! you call me family, yet you treat me like dirt now. you don't text me anymore. when you see me you don't ask how I am or how my day was. for fuck sake! when I talk to you you don't give a shit. when I send you a message you don't reply. YET WHEN YOU NEED SOMEONE TO FUCKING COMPLAIN TO!!
relationships ruin EVERYTHING. FUCK YOU!! I hate how you've made me feel. you used to try and make me smile when I felt sad. now you ignore me like I'm a fuckiing ghost.
you have made me miserable!

I don't know if, or what I did wrong.
But if I'm not worth your time,
you're sure as hell not worth mine.