Wednesday, August 31, 2011

It's been too long.

I haven't heard from you in days. How could it be that i have not crossed your mind once, when haven't stopped crossing mine?

500 days of summer.

I just watched this movie, I wanted to cry. It's relativeness doesn't come straight back to my situation. But i guess it delievered a message. It doesn't matter how bad things feel at the time. they get better, there's always someone else.
even though it hurts.
i guess i just... i guess I should just move on.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Six feet under.

And once again, the sky grew down, pulling the entire world down on top of it. The tree's planted themselves firmly in the clouds, and waited for the tide to go down, waited for the world to galaxy to subside. So, as I walked away and watched your face, I realized what I had been hiding from the world.. It didn't matter, none of it did. Not that I wasn't beautiful, or skinny or smart! Not that no one wanted me... none of it mattered. My pain was useless. It's not like I was significant to the world, I made no difference, and nor did the way you made me feel. Uselessness was no answer, but neither were you. you were the whole world on my shoulders, you weighed me down, but someone you gave me a sense of strength. Nothing in the universe could pull me down, except you.. who also had the power to make me happier than I'd ever been.... and with that, you had the power also, to pull me six feet under.
and unfortunately.
Thats exactly what you did. 

The fear is worse than the pain.

One of his friends mentioned Brisbane in october. Not even mentioned, I don't even know what it's about, but I assume he means going there. what if he goes and finds a better girl? what if he goes and doesn't want to come back? what if I lose him ? he's not even mine to lose. but what if I lose him ? I want to stop feeling so shitty. I want to be the one to leave, if anyone goes. I want to be the one to make the first decision.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I fell asleep, and he sent me a text later. at 10/53. yay. thats just raised my bedtime once again .
i didn't reply, but i replied thismorning. maybe i shouldn't have? maybe i should have just left it?
what if he doesn't reply to mine, he's just going to.. and i'll get disapointed and.
I'm scared.

Life was easier without you.

But now I've met you, you're here. you're with me, in a way. and I won't ever be the same.
I don't think I could even find something I like about myself anymore. I used to like my eyes. But now, I've found that one is noticably lazy' , its only recent, but its getting worse, you can see it in photos now. also, when i smile one eyebrow raises a lot.
its gross. i'm actually completely disgusting.
someone make me beautiful.
Waiting around for nothing again.
as usual.

10.39- Hurry up. I'm so tired.

I miss him already.

It's only been two and a half hours, but I miss him. I miss his voice, his smile, his ability to make me laugh. I miss him.
I gave my friend a hug before I left, i wanted him to ask for one too, but he didn't, so I left without hugging him, I wish I'd given him a hug.
I wish he'd asked me for one.
I'm not going to text him unless he texts me first. I won't see him until friday, or here from him if I leave it like that. It's going to make me sad, and tired, because I'll be staying up all night waiting and then being disapointed.
I was going to ask him to come to cairns with me so i could buy his present, but i guess I'll just do that myself.
I'll leave him alone this time.
but it's not like he won't be on my mind the entire time or something.
of course not :/


The girl at work. what if you like her? what if you two have a secret relationship going on? what if you like her more than me? You've been looking at her like you look at me, you've been talking to her more. I left you two alone tonight, what if she thinks she likes you like i do. what if you like her back. help help help! I swear, if he was mine I would not be a jealous person, because I would know that he belongs to me, that he's mine. but he doesn't and he's not. and now i'm just scared. scared I'm going to lose something that isn't even mine to begin with.
he sent me a text at 3.3o am, i talked to him about it the next day. I GOT ONE REPLY! he said FROM TASHA.
I got so angry, i hated her! why did she get a message to? why don't i matter more? whatwhatwhat. I swear i wouldn't be like this. I swear! but i am now. I'm just scared. he's so. confusing.
he's perfect.
i love him. i want him. i'm scared.
what if there really is no future in this for us? :/ thats not fair. I want tthere to be a future. I want there to be SOMETHING. Someone please tell me how to do this.
how to get through this.
i need to let go.
if not, i'm just going to get burnt.

Friday, August 26, 2011

I'm still scared.

When this first started, I was confused about how he was treating me, if he was interested? it was the same as it is now, mixed signals, not understanding, having some sort of hope, and kind of feeling that MAYBE he is interested.
but i'm so scared, because last time... i got burnt. he found someone better, and i'd been reading everything wrong.
I'm so afraid it's going to happen again.
I don't want it to happen again.
someone please tell me what to do :(

The Night.

he picked me up, I was worried because it was getting late, I was starting to get sad, but then. of course, as soon as I saw him. I lightened up, he made me laugh as usual. we drove down to his house, and played games and watched a movie. He put his legs up over mine, like, on the couch.. so he was kind of lying accross me if that makes sense, whilst i was sitting. by the end of the movie, he fell asleep, leaning on me. I watched him, he was twitching, he seemed so sad, or worried, i just wanted to help him, hold him in my arms, I wanted him. I just wanted to hold him, so much. after about an hour of me not moving. i didnt want to wake him, in all that, he looked peacefull i suppose, still beautiful. innocent, untouched, naive... no act. just him, beautiful.
- my legs started going numb, so i woke him up so i could move. then i went and layed down on the other couch. he woke me up and two or so in the morning and told me to go to bed, so i did. a seperate one of course in another room. i was half asleep, but i wanted him to stay.
in the morning he came out when i was on the couch, sat next to me and rested his head on me a few times. he seemed so sad. i wanted to make him happy. then, before we left. i asked for a hug.
it was a beautiful hug, it lasted 30 or so seconds. just. him, and me. i felt so complete .
then he let go, then... i felt empty.
as usual he made me laugh and stuff throughout the night at work. when he dropped me off he asked if i was okay because i was upset with ma. and blabaslblalalla. i asked him for another hug, he got out of the car and just. i feel so fucking happy when i'm with him. when he hugs me its like the whole world, its like everything in my arms.
I wish he understood. i wish even more that he felt the same. i just want these feelings to be returned, or to end. because the pain i feel when i let go, its so... it burns. it hurts so much.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Take me anywhere but here.

Despite the previous post.

I don’t understand sex. 
How could one possibly give themselves to another so intimately? It’s your scars, your insecurities, all those things you hide under your clothes. you’re just giving away, leaving yourself so vulnerable. 
I just wouldn’t be able to let someone see me like that, I just have so many insecurities.

I want you in every way.

I've never been one for sex.
But, for some reason.. you. I want you, and I want you like that.
This is, so weird for me to write, is this normal? that I want to have sex with him? I want him in every way possible.
I saw this thing on kissing.
I've never kissed anyone, and everything I read on that, I thought of me and you, Please kiss me tonight.

Yeah, I'm going to his house tonight, nothing will happen, because he doesn't want me like that. it didn't last time, and he wasn't that keen on saying yes when I asked to go over, maybe I should have left it, but if i did nothing would have happened.
I just want him so so so badly.
god, i WANT him.


The latest you've ever started a texting conversation. so I stay up, every night. until 10.39, waiting for something from you.
and then, I go to sleep.
because you don't want me.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Be happy.

Run away, find the girl you want forever. Smile. Laugh. Play. Fight. Make love.
Run away.
Be happy.
But go now.
And never talk to me again.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Just wait. leave him alone. give it a rest. wait for him to come to you. don't push him.


Hope is shit.

Ugh, he said on Friday, when he asked me over to his house "well, you should come over monday night" and I was like yeah okay. then on saturday, our last shift this week together, i asked him if when I was going to see him next, and then he said "maybe on monday, i'll give you a text if I'm not doing anything"... and now..
I get that he's busy. but I'm waiting for that text. I keep checking my phone. its like i'm so hopeful for this even though I know it's not going to happen. he was acting weird. he isn't going to text me. I know it.. but I just want to see him. I want a hug, I want to hear his voice, and joke around, and listen to him laugh, and catch him smiling at me.
thats the best feeling, when I look up and he's smiling a half smile, kind of sarcastic grin on his face.
I just want to kiss him.
But, I just... I feel as if it could never happen. he gives off signs.
but then on the other hand, he give off other signs, complete opposite ones . and I just don't know what to think..
last time i was slightly under the impression that he was a tiny bit interested in me, he met someone else, he got a girlfriend, and it tore me apart.
I'm so scared of all that happening again. I need to detatch.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

He might think he knows...

But he will never understand the immensity, and strenght of the way I feel for him.
I don't "Like" him.
It's not a"crush"
Its's deeper than that..
How far the deepness goes I don't quite know.

Everything is falling apart again.

and everything just hurts so much.


Not really. I cant be fucked writing it all. basically everything is fucked.
people at work know. theyve figured it out. someone said to my friend that he probably knows too because its so obvious. then some other stuff. BUT FUCKFUFJDFFFUFUUUUUCK!! I DOTN KNOW WHAT TOD O:(

Thursday, August 18, 2011

here we go again.

Its dawning on me again, all the pain.
"you're an epic friend xx"
is that normal? I don't know what to think of you. yesyes. I'm happy you're in my life. so happy.
but.. this .. this wanting, yearning that I have for you..
I want you.
I want this.
why can't I just be happy with what i've got ?

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

it was perfect and i'm so happy.

we just hung out. did some stuff together, had some jokes. i almost caught myself being sad that it wasnt the way i wanted. then i just. told myself to shut up. it was perfect. now he's texting me. that makes me happy. i know its not how i want it to be. but its how it is. and im just going to deal with that. at least i have him at all. he's so perfect. well, no. he's not. but, he's perfect enough. all those things about him make me so happy. i just wanted to kiss him today. if i wasnt so sick i probably would have.
maybe.. hell start feeling the same.
but i cant say that,  because he'll probably tell me soon about this new girl that he's got on the side. for now though, it doesnt matter. live in the moment right?
its so much happier this way.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

We're catching up tomorrow, after school- I'm so nervous,

Sometimes, you get those.. epiphany, when you realize how truly lucky you are, and how sad you've been over the silliest things. you figure out that you could just be happy, instead of being scared about when it's over, like.. being sad because he doesn't feel the same way and when you're together, that time will end. you just kind of get, that you should just be happy with the time you've got with him now. He makes you happy being with him right? so be happy with him. don't worry about later, or after, or the fact that he isn't feeling the same way. he makes you happy. so be happy. be in the moment. because that's what matters the most. the happiness right now. You realize how stupidly upset you are over the fact that a boy doesn't like you... how much pain you've been causing yourself, and blaming it on him. is it really his fault that he doesn't feel the same?
this is what comes to my mind, every day for about five seconds.
but then i remind myself that it still hurts.
but, i've decided. here on in.. i'm going to try so hard to fix this. this pain. I'm going to find the good in everything. even in the fact that he doesn't like me. everyday, I'm going to try and write on here, or somewhere else. something to do with him. and why I'm grateful it happened or didn't happen.
maybe it will make me appreciate what I do have of him.
rather than what I don't.
I love you. AJP.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

There is really no one I can talk to about this huh.

So broken.

He told me his idea of perfect. why he didn't fight for her. he didn't feel like it was going anywhere. He felt like there was soemthing better. then he talked about how all guys are always thinking that there is something better. the perfect girl. then they realise, after they've ended it, that there isn't, such a thing. he explained his perfect girl. as the girl with blond hair blue eyes skinny waiste big tits, happy funny... all the things i'm complete opposite to. i asked him if he thought there was someone else that he was interested in. FUCK NO. he said.
oh . bbut i thought maybe .. me?
am i fucking retarted? yeah .
then he explained how a person would have you be your best friend, love them more than anything. he said he cant wait til he finds that person, and when he does theres no reason why he wouldnt want to marry them right away, . he wouldnt want to wait around for something to happen, something better.
that hurrt.
hes never going to want me, ill never be the thing he wants.
ill never be his idea of perfect. ill never me anything but the friend.
im so happy when i'm with him.
but it just hurts because i know it's going to end,
i love his handwriting.
i love him.

Friday, August 12, 2011


I'm scared, scared scared scared scared. so fucking scared. I didn't see it coming. what if there was a chance for us? what if she ruined it. i'm scared. so scared. so scared... help. I'm so afraid. I feel like something inside me is breaking.
I want him.
I want him and I was going to have him. I was going to do things i'd never done . I was prepared, I was starting to gain confidence. I was going to hold him. I wanted him. I want him.
She's got him .
she's got him in the palm of her hands with her lying bullshit.
oh how i hope she's lying.
someone save me.
i'm scared. so scared.
I need to get away.
I'm so fucking afraid,

oh god.

I'm in love with him.
he doesn't want her anymore.
she said she took a pregnancy test
she said it was positive.
she's been lying about a lot.
he doesn't know what to believe.
i don't know how to feel.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

His voice is far too perfect. 
and then he asks for hugs.
and then he tries calling me  when he gets home.
i just.. this is never going to be how i want it to be.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Even though they're not together anymore, it does not change the fact that he's not going to be thinking about me before he falls asleep. He's not going to want to hold me. He isn't going to get butterflys in his tummy when he see's me.

I'm never going to be that girl. 
they broke up, they fucking broke up!! because she was stealing from him, he said there is no chance theyre going to get back together.. what do i do? i dont so happy about it, but i don't want him hurting. now im scared, that theres going to be all this happen again, with another girl thats not me. i never tried to break them up, i was better then that. but now what? what do i do... do i try to make him want me ? ... what do i do  ? D:

Sunday, August 7, 2011


Hang on, what? where is that strong sense of desire? where's the pain when you spoke about her? where's the butterflies when I told someone new about you tonight? where's the longing to hold you, to take you in my arms, to kiss you, to feel you, to be you? where is it? where is the sense of worthlessness because you don't want me? Where's the jealousy? where is all the things that made me hurt for you?

Saturday, August 6, 2011

It's been a while since a total and good conversation with him, feelings are slightly, slightly, fading. He isn't the first thing I think of anymore..
but, I work with him tonight.
All progress out the window.