It's burning you know? and it physically hurts, that spot right in between your chest, right in the middle, stinging, someone is stabbing you, killing you... and I know exactly who it is.
Funny though, how I can't stop you, I often think- if you were physically here, with your knife, slashing away- that maybe I would be able to stop you, I'd fight you off and run away, I'd kill you before you had the chance to kill me.
But you're not, you're not right with me, slashing me open, no. you're somewhere happy, and somehow with your strength you're burning me inside, I can't breathe. and I can't stop you,
you know the worst part is?
that you have no idea what you do, that you watch me with that smirk, and it hurts me everytime.
I'm sick of being put fourth, fifth, tenth, twentieth- when I put you first. I'm over hurting because you don't stress that "I'm beautiful".. or don't disagree when I say things like what I say.
God, I hate you- far too much.
I don't get it, i don't...
FUCK EVERYTHING.
I didn't know if you'd see if I made a response on my own blog, so I figured I'd make a response on here. Whether you read/delete/respond to it or not is your choice.
ReplyDeleteI'm scared too. I've promised someone I won't do anything for at least the next four months, and I'm hoping that that will give me enough time to get out of this. I don't want to, but I've got to, to save the people I care for from pain.
Your blog is not shit blabber- maybe, yes, I'd rather be going through what you're going through, but that doesn't undermine the fact that what you're struggling through is probably the most difficult thing you've ever faced. Everyone reacts to things in different ways, everyone has a different way of dealing. I believe I could deal with what you're going through, yes, but a lot of people in my position would take steps to make themselves better, and probably in that way deal with themselves better. You seem like a really strong girl, I think you're one of the people who'd be proactive about this situation.
Besides, what you're experiencing, this depth of pain which I can see in just the words you use, it is real, it is vivid, and in that way, what makes it any different from depression?
I don't see life as easy, but I don't see life as difficult either. What makes it difficult is the pain that people go through, each on different levels and each with their own particular understanding. Which is why people experience things so differently.
I don't blame my depression on my circumstances, I give all the responsibility of it to myself. My life is a good one- I have good relationships- heck, I'm in love and loving it-, good influences, and a good environment. I just... don't think I'm someone who deserves it.
I suppose that's a mindset I'll have to change to be able to stay, or at least alter.
I think that yeah, attention is what this started as, but it's snowballed and I've lose control of myself in more ways than one.
But I'm trying. I'm trying really goddamn hard and it hurts, but I might be ripping through some sort of barrier now... or at least, I'm hoping.
And you're beautiful for sharing this, for giving advice. Really, I'm so thankful to everyone who cares- it's a lot more than I deserve.
And you should remember to take some of your own advice too. Fight to be happy, even if there is someone making you feel unwanted- you're always going to be wanted by someone, it's just, as humans, we have a habit of paying attention to the wrong things at the wrong time, or maybe the wrong things at the right time, or the right things at the wrong time. There is a goddamn lot of love around us.
I'm acting like I know everything... I'm growing, learning, just like you. Disregard what I say if it's... well, shit, honestly.
But yeah- basically thankyou for your concern and follow your own advice. =]
Hey lovely, I hope you see this, of course I'm going to respond gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteWell, yeah, I suppose you're right- no ones pain is inadequate, we're all hurting in someway I guess.
and yes, I'm so glad you've made a promise to someone, I only hope you keep it, it will be enough time beautiful- make it enough.
hm, i think you're right about taking my own advice, but yee. it is a hard thing to do. and girl, i can see you're trying- through what you write, you say i'm strong but look at you! wow, you're an inspiration, and lovely- you do, in one miillion and fifty ways DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. everyone deserves happiness, no matter what they do, have done, are like. you deserve it just as much as the worlds most innocent person. happiness is just one of those things.
aaw bubba, i know it hurts. shit always hurts, im over pain- believe me, but it will go away soon you know. i promise it will. and you're so not acting like you know everything love ! you're opening your eyes and seening stuff. don't ever be afraid to speak your mind, your opinion means more than you think.
I truly hope you get through this, and know I'll always be here - if you need anything, or need to talk or cry or tell someone how shit things are, i'll talk- don't ever feel bad, believe me, you could call me at two in the mornin and i promise i'd never be the slightest bit mad.
find something that makes you happy, and make sure you do it everyday, even start pretending to be happy (iif you dont already? :/) and then, eventually it will come naturally.
I think you're a beautiful person struggling through so much, but i know I KNOW- you can make it, please stay beautiful.
please.x