Sorry.

It's been a while, since I've written in this blog, sort of anyways. I think it is because i have mainly just been writing down my little thoughts on my tumblr. and whatever, but god. Nothing is better that this blog, this blog is where I completely let everything out. everything, I pour my heart out to you, no one outside knows anything about how I feel except those who read this. I think it's because no one I know can see this, if anyone I knew had seen this, god.. I would be so lost. Not even my closests friends know about this blog. god, its disgusting how I can't trust them.. not a single one.
Everything has been building up lately, everything. There is so much going on and all its doing is causing me pain. I want you. I want you... I know, it's back to him yet again, but I want him. so much, so much more than anything i have ever wanted in my life, so much more... he doesn't understand, I know he doesn't. he doesn't even care, he never replies to me anymore, hell. I don't even know if he see's me anymore. I've looked at the staff rosters, and because he is on annual leave soon-ish, and I don't see him at all next week it means I've got about 3 weeks/a month without seeing him, I know i wont get any text messages, or calls, or anything. I don't want to send him anything either, I'm trying to de tatch, remain in complete NOCONTACT, for the next however long I have without him. .. but I know i can't do that, during the time he is away it's his birthday. and I can't ignore that, I can't ignore the birth of such a beautiful human on this planet. I plan to keep my message short and simple.
"Happy Birthday. Have a wonderful day, thank you for everything. I love you! : D"
He doesn't understand when I say I love him.. How much I mean it. ah fuck.
He's been so playfull with me lately, today. I went up to him and I was like "Hey, I'm not gonna see you for ages, give me a hug"... so I hugged him. he heald me so tightly, I never wanted to let go. it was perfect. beautiful. I wanted him.
back to the birthday thing. I want to get him a present, of course. i wanted to go all out, but his girlfriend will do that. I cant do that. he doesnt belong to me. god he loves her so much. it was her birthday not long ago, he bought her all these cute things, including a bracelet with their names engraved on it, and arranged it so she found it in a cute way. I tortured myself by asking.
I want to write him a letter, well a card. and say something like.
"Hey you! Happy Birthday! :D I hope you had a fantastic day. I wanted to say thank you for being so epic and making me smile even when no one else could, thanks for being there for me and listening to me blabber on about shit all the time. you're an amazing friend, and god I am so happy to have you in my life. thank you for everything. Love you long time (; xoxo"
should i? god. I don't know.
why does writing all that make me feel so much better? its just bullshit.

moving on, my body. i hate it so much right now. I don't know whats wrong with me. there is so many imperfections. and i mean so many. I even have fucking rashes and shit now. :/ god. oh well.  just another thing to add to the list of things i hate about myself.
thank you, for reading :/ I'm so sorry.