He's leaving, he's moving away, changing jobs, probably- he said- with her, all for her. I hate her you know? She stole my chances of being with him, now she's stealing my chances of being even friends with him.
You know the part thats worse? He's telling me that he isn't going to dice- that he'll still text me and drop by sometimes. He's promising me. But I don't want him to, he'll forget, he'll change his number or run out of credit. and just like everyone else, there will come a point when he's just over it, he just can't be fucked anymore.
"I promise I won't be like the others! This is one promise I won't break"
"but thats what everyone else said!"
"I'm not everyone else though..." No, but he's everything else. God, I wish he understood how much he means to me. I wish I understood it myself.
I hate breathing right now, I'm crying, sort of, every breath hurts- not even metaforically, it physically hurts.
PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!
I need him, I do, I need him. I wish I had a friend to cry to right now, yeah- I just need someone to sit down with me that I can complain to, and cry to, and blabber about my irrational fears and pointless pain, someone I can trust that will simply tell me "yeah that sucks-" rather than trying to make it better by saying shit about how he's just a boy and I'm only young, and I'll get over it.
It's true- BUT THATS NOT WHAT I FUCKING NEED RIGHT NOW!!!!
Why does everyone leave? why do i have some fucked up fantasy in my head that people are going to stay forever. nothing lasts forever. nothing ever will.
I don't understand why I want him to stay so much, why it hurts so much, why i think i need him so much?
I've thought this before, not the same way, but i've thought that i have depended on someone who left me, i turned out fine without them. but it doesnt change a thing. not right now.
what am i going to do without you? the same thing I did last time, I suppose- find new reasons, new friends, new people to fall in love with. and what? watch them fucking leave too!?? yeah awesome fucking plan. aarhh!!
maybe its for the best? maybe god is ridding you from my life, so i can finally move on- maybe something good will come from this- but right now, i just cant feel happy.
god, i love you so much. with everything of me, and you're leaving for her!???!?!?!?!?? i COULD BE SO MUCH BETTER.
I wouldn't make you stay up and talk to me because I felt sooky,i wouldn't. I could be so so so so fucking much better.
I want to slice into my skin, cut myself open, hurt, i want to burn because anything is better than this, I swear- ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN THIS!!
No, no this isn't fair :( don't leave me. please don't leave me. I don'y know what I'm going to do without you-
it brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. take me away, someone take me away- move me now, i hate the wait... you know, when you know someones leaving? and they have a few months before they disappear from your life? those months are so painful, because you know all that time is just more memories to hold onto, more laughs, more hugs, more playfights, you know that they're going to haunt you when they finally leave. Then you end up wishing that they would just go, right now, right this very second, just drop you- fuck you off- at least then you don't have to deal with the waiting. the knowing that the end is right around the corner..
Yeah, I know i should enjoy the time whilst i have it? BUT HOW THE FUCK CAN I?! WHEN YOU'RE LEAVING, WHEN YOU'RE GOING AWAY, WHEN YOU'RE DISAPPEARING.... WHEN I DON'T MATTER ANYMORE!!????
How can i possibly enjoy that, HOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOW!!!????
Anyone who reads this tonight, i beg of you to talk to me, help me. I can't breathe right now, I need someone, anyone.
please please understand. please help me. this hurts so much.