Monday, February 28, 2011

sometimes its easy to forget,
that trust is something you should never give to someone.
no matter how well you think you know them.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Not broken.

No, I don't have a broken heart. No my life is not over.
I do however, feel like I have lost everything that has ever meant anything to me.
Yes, I feel like I'm falling apart.
Yes, I feel like my heart has been ripped out and trampled on.
Yes I feel like hiding from everything and never hearing your voice, or looking into your eyes ever again.
I don't understand how you can't notice this.
It feels like my lungs have be sliced through and I can't talk anymore. I can't scream anymore.
I cried yesterday. everything felt like it was falling down on me. how am I supposed to breathe anymore?
How did I ever manage it?
Don't hug me. don't ask me whats going on.
because you don't want to know.
my goodness. you really don't want to know whats going on in my head.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Everythings falling apart tonight.
my bestfriends a fucking bitch. so angry right now. goes to fucking show you can't trust anyone.
so fuck her!
i dont fucking need her. ugh.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Tears are signs of weakness,
so I guess that makes me weak.
Like falling petals from a rose,
like those who cannot speak.

We've all slammed our heads against doors,
wondering where we went wrong.
the truth is, we need to realize. we've been wrong from the start.
Nothing was ever right about what we did, what we chose to do, or what we were forced to do,
there was nothing right in that. because we're human,
and humans can't do a fucking this right.
I caught myself breathing the other day,
and realized I'm not totally inhuman.
but you my friend, your far beyond inhuman.
Building walls has been my specialty,
Breaking them has been the same.
Truth got in the way of my closed off senses,
and that's when I realized I wasn't alone.
nagging in my mind, your voice follows me away.
strenghthens me, yet I am so weak...
So where do I go?
I followed my shadow the other night, to find where I was hiding,
it lead me no where bit in circle.
this is a game called circle.


I need to write, I need to write about everything, I need to write about fighting the tears that aren't coming. about falling into a black hole, about hating myself. about hating him. about hating her.. loving him.
about my chest feeling like its being torn apart from the inside out, and about how i still can't explain how I feel.
my mind is racing. you called me beautiful. did you? who the fuck was that?
I want you to hold me, fucking hell. I need you to hold me. please..
There is nothing. just nothing, but everything's breaking... broken. dead! AARGHH! FUCK WHY DON'T YOU SEE IT!!!? I keep trying to tell myself to let it the fuck go, its going to be  better. as bad as it seems now. it cant last forever, nothing does. feelings dont last forever. they don't!!! but it's been so long. hear I am, following you. watching everything you do. I need to let you go, because obviously you dont want me!
it doesn't matter, not that much. i guess, maybe. a little. fucking hell. yes it matters. i can't wait until this is over. until she is here and there is not even the slightest feeling lingering in your mind. because, you're fucking complete aren't you?
don't worry about me, I'm absouloutly fucking fine, lingering in the background.

I don't know how to deal with this.

someone please help me!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Infinite Gravity.

Wordlessly floating into the atmosphere, I'm not afraid of the light,
but what hides behind it,
I'm not afraid of the dark,
but the secrets it keeps from me.
I'm rummaging through the past like I'm going to find something that I missed all this time. 

But I know it's not there.
nothing is.
what's left of then is empty,
what's left of now...
is exactly the same.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I think I love him.
Not the, thirteen year old 'love'
not the 'love' that comes and goes
not the 'love' that can be replaces as easily as a battery.
No, I think I am inlove with him.
In love, with someone who doesn't love me back.
god it hurts, watching him 'love' other girls, want them, need them, hurt over them.
Like I do for him.
He confuses me, always asking me to come over, to call him, to text him, on the other hand.. he calls me his sister, his little sister. I can't tell what it means, considering I've told him he's like a brother to me, is he trying to hide something? She isn't here yet, the girl he 'loves'.
Life is getting in the way, and she was meant to be here months ago, but fate keeps dropping bombshells.
and not letting it happen.
which, you know. makes me wonder... is it meant to be? is there the slightest opportunity, the slightest chance, that maybe, it could be me? yes, no, maybe?
In love.
something I may be wrong about, it certainly feels like love.
his smile, his eyes, his maniac laugh, the taunts and jokes he throws at me, the good and bad, his taste in music, his Favorite colour, his voice.
everything about him makes me smile, until I realize it doesn't belong to me. that smile, that body, that voice, that backwards glance or that terrible joke- will never belong to me.
they say four months, its considered a crush. any longer, and you're in love. I think I'm approaching six months. god knows how long its been, I've lost track of time.
I've seen sides of him, hidden sides. occasionally he likes to let a bit of himself slip out, and I sit there for hours unraveling it. Even seeing him angry, it scares me.
he protects me like a sister, and we fight like we're together. I know so much about him.
I  need to let him go, I don't want to be in love, not with him, not with a boy who tells me everything about every girl in his life.
I died a little inside, when he told me that he told her that he loved her.
of he can love so easily, then can't I?
am I really in love with someone who I can't have? I remember feeling like this before, and it took a long time before I could move on. I remember feeling like this, to an extent- but not to the scale It's on now. I want to know.
god, I just want to know if I'm in love with him..

The thing that bothers me the most, is knowing that younger girls than me, crazy- insane, beautiful girls. they he doesn't even KNOW, would have more of a chance than me with the boy I love, and they're willing to take up those chances.

I've only had a few hugs from him, half the time it's his joking around apologetic hugs, which I need to refuse, because. if he hugged me, and I hugged him back, I wouldn't want to let go. just bury my head in his chest. and never move, but instead. its more like, me standing like a pencil, with his arms around me.
I don't know what to think.
I'm still waiting, wishing, hoping- that he is going to turn around and tell me that the girl he loves is a fake, he made her up to make me jealous. I wish he would. I wish he would say that.
But I know, I know he won't. hopes a bitch. if it would die, then so would these feelings... in time.

I really just want to know. If I'm in love.

I've had dreams now, nothing sexual. of course. thats not me. just dreams, a line i remember from one was that I wrote him a note, telling him I was going for a walk, then he called me and i asked him if he got it.
he said "yes, I wanted to kiss you when I read that"

I don't know why I remember it, it makes no sense. but I woke up there, woke up with my heart beating at a thousand miles an hour.
I want him.
I love him.