I'd change.

I used to promise myself that I would never change for the sake of someone who can't accept me for me.
I lied.
because for you,
for you I'd change.

Everything.

who are you? no one.
what are you? nothing.
who are you? someone.
what are you? something.
who are you? everyone.
what are you...?
everything.

Based on.

"Based on psychological study.
A crush lasts four months.
if it exceeds, you are already in love"
four months, you better hurry your freaking ass up.
There is no way I can be in love with this boy.
please.
no.

Two Years.

Two years ago I stood outside my house, on the phone to you, crying.

Because I thought you were going to leave this world.

Two years ago, you were where I am now, 

Two years ago we were all so close.

were all so young. 

We grew and learnt together- and promised we could never live without each-other. 

Before I knew it you were gone.

at the time I felt defeated, like I had lost everything.

and then I forgot, memories faded, pain got weaker. 

I got stronger.

we were all so young, and so naive. we were all lost in our own bubble of confusment. 

then time got the better of us. Speeded ahead, passed us by. 

we forget who we were.

and now. two years later.

we still have no idea. 

I would give everything,
to be your everything.
I want to be apart of your world.

I would give everything,
to be your everything.
I want to be apart of your world.

Everytime

Everytime I stop thinking about you,
your name pops up in the corner.
or you picture.
or your comment. everytime.
how the hell am I supposed to let you go, if you're all I ever see?

I can't write poeticly anymore, my brains all mushed up feelings and emotions, nothing poetic comes to mind.
I'm trying.
But there is nothing... just you.
how YOU made me feel.
how YOU acted.
what YOU said.
YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. \

You were nothing,
I despised you,
then gradually, I got to know you,
you got to know me,
our flaws.
I know you now.
I hated you then.
I want you now.
you became a friend.
someone who made me laugh, someone I could talk to.
someone with a different perspective.
then all of a sudden-
You became my world.
but she remains yours.
I need you, I want you- and all you're doing is hurting me.

Not going to plan.
you know what.
fuck the plan. 
Lets do this on our own.

Giving up.

I'm giving up on this.
giving up on you.
there is nowhere to go.
nothing I can do.
Help me now.
Don't let me go.
I don't want to give up.
..
I just. I have to.

Forget about it.
you.
you gained my trust.
stop.
help.

Your smile.

your smile lights up the world.
your smile lights up my world.
don't go...
your smile brings hope into my world.

Life.

You can shut the world out until you're close to dead.
But at some point.
Life will come rushing in.

I think about summer, all the beautiful times- I watched you laughing from the passenger side- Taylor Swift.

This Sky.

out here the sky goes on for hours.

Like an empty dessert, that conceals it's beauty.

But if you look hard enough.

you can see it shimmering.

if you listen hard enough.

you can hear it humming.

if you pay close attention.

This empty, black sky.

can make you feel alive.

City lights and shooting stars.

Raindrops whisper secret messages.
That we can not understand.
We stood out in the black of night.
and stared into the endless sky.
So close.
So far away.
we talked about city lights,
and shooting stars.
and whispered secrets in silence.
we got in your car.
we drove away.
Lets drive away.

Don't ever forget who you are.                                                                                   Did the make-up work?
Don't ever let someone tell you that you're not beautiful.                                              Am I beautiful yet?
Don't ever..
Don't ever lose yourself.                                                                                             Is this really me?
Don't ever become what I did.                                                                                    I grew up.


- I actually feel beautiful. the joys of make-up and editing. 
I know I'm not THE most attractive girl in the world,
or as pretty as that girl he points out.
but when I try..  I can be worth it.
I really think I can be worth it.
Tell me I'm beautiful. 
please please see me without my flaws.
just once. 

this is pretty much how it is.

You like you eat, you're fat. you don't eat, you're a freak. you drink, you're an alcoholic. you don't drink, you're a pussy. you read, you're a nerd. you don't read, you're stupid. you tell a secret, you're an attention seeker. you don't tell a secret, you're still attention seeking. you let someone in, you're easy. you don't let someone in, you're too uptight. you smoke, you think you're cool. you don't smoke, you're a loser. you've had sex, you're a slut. you haven't had sex, you're a frigid little bitch. you wear make up, you're a slag. you don't wear make up, you're ugly. you can't please anyone. ever.

Perfect.

Baby, beauty isn't everything.
and I know I'm not perfect.
But no-one is.
remember?

well...

On one hand you sit there and tell me how everything between you and her are getting better.
On the other hand you sit there telling me how beautiful you think other girls are.
then you we joke around, play around, call each-other names and loook into each-others eyes.
I swear I can feel those moments.
But I really don't know what goes through your head when you look at me.
I am so confused.
stop sending me mixed signals.
because I want you.
and this shit, sure isn't helping me let go.

fake.

I packed on the make-up. too a point where I looked fake! I wanted too see if it would make me beautiful.

you know things are fucked when you have no idea what to wish for...

Today, tomorrow.

Today, someone was born.
Today, someone died.
Today, someone fell in-love.
Today, someone broke their heart.
Today, someone smiled.
Today, someone cried.
Today, someone rejoiced.
Today someone grieved.
Tomorrow will be exactly the same.

you are.

you're creeping up inside me.

you're under my skin.

you're coming out of my mouth.

you're making me sick.

pleasepleaseplease- leave me alone.

not beautiful .

Today he said to me.
"god, that girl was beautiful- and not even sexy! when a guy says she's sexy, all he want is a fuck. but when we say, gorgeous, pretty, beautiful ... we don't if think of that straight away! we just think about how beautiful they are..."
No-body has ever called me beautiful.
Not once.

stop.

I need to stop waiting around for people,
stop checking my facebook notifications.
stop checking my phone.
stop waiting for things that are never going to happen-
and just live. 

For My Followers. thank you.

Hello. I know, this is crazy. I would like to thank you all for simply following me, stopping by my blog, leaving a comment or two.
I would like you to know that it is greatly appreciated. I know I only have three followers- but it's not the popularirty I am concerned about. I'm thanking you all for simply supporting me writing and showing an interest. it's a self esteem booost, i assure you (:
thank you.

I know it makes no sense.

I stand empty above this hill, staring down into the dark empty depths that I now call myself, haggard and broken; horrific to look at, dark and closed off from everything I ever was, from everyone I ever loved. Only horrid because of emptiness, staring into black worlds of nothingness horrifies me, frightens me.

I stare form behind the vale and I watch how you lie, how you run from me, how you run away from my emptiness and pain rather than staying to fill me with life and numb my pain for a while.

Your light lingers above me, breathing in and out, as you do. You as your own light as your own world.

Jaggered around the edges, sharp and blunt at the same time, painful smiles and joking cries for help.

When hiding is no longer a game, creeping up behind me with my eyes shut staring into my face, I refuse to fight for the nothing you give me I refuse to fight for the fear of living and the fear of death. I refuse to live for the fear of dying and refuse to live for the fear of everything that you give me.

Dreamworld

Darkness screams at you, every nerve vibrating faster than the speed of sound, your every moment of fear sways around you like a whirlwind. Everything broke, as the rain poured heavily from beneath the dirt, and the tree roots grew strong in the sky as the leaves gently fell upwards into the clouds before disappearing from sight.

With your emptiness, you mumble all day long, in your head, out loud, yet somehow are still lost for words to speak. And how could you ever forget the ghosts travelling through the hidden pathways in your mind?

The faint silhouette of evil lingers in your mind.  Droplets of guilt raise from the dirt, but they do not fall, they just fly. The air smells of anguish and fear, but you are not afraid, not hurt, not angry. Not in this upside down world of yours, where you can be anything you want to be.

Dreams and nightmares mean nothing as your emerald green grass sparkles with delight, happy and alive. Dancing in meadows of flowers and the scent of beauty fills the air.

Your dreams show now pain, no fear, no anguish, your dreams where you can be whatever you want to be.

rhyming shit.

Rusting away like bark from a tree,
burning from the inside, this is you, this is me.
Crashing to the ground, and we can't even see,
death seems the only thing to let us be free.

boundaries.

It felt like bricks, falling, falling, crashing down.
Chairs stumbled to the ground.
and there was nothing left but broken-ness and death.
It felt like knives,
it felt like fear,
it felt like all these things that keep us captivated in our minds.
we build up bars to keep ourselves from falling,
we draw lines to keep ourselves from harm,
we make boundaries to save ourselves from pain.
I don't know why we bother, we just waste more time.
Breaking the bars to fall in love.
Rubbing out the lines to save someone else.
stepping out of our boundaries to trust the world with our lives.
Do you get it?
Do you understand?

falling.

Vivid images fill my mind,
memories of death, memories of birth.
memories of you.
I reached for the bedpost.
before I even realized I was falling.

So let's live,
like we're alive.

Nothing more, nothing less.

"I just thought I was stronger than this.."
"But you are strong, just because you feel- it doesn't mean you're weak. It makes you human.
Nothing more.
Nothing less."

those moments.

Do you ever have those moments,
where you flick through all the contacts,
people.
anyone, because you need to talk to someone?
do you ever have those moments where out of 200 people.
there is no-one you can confide in?

I miss you.

And the fears of growing up are starting too dawn on me.
They follow me around.
Like the ghost of who you used to be.
I miss you, your guidance and help.
I miss you I miss you I miss you..

In this.

I huddled into the warm arms of that jumper.

I took comfort in the fact that you wore this.

you breathed in this.

you laughed in this.

smiled in this.

felt in this.

I took comfort in the fact that you were in this.

that you were alive.

that you fucking existed.

scared.

your fear.
you are fear.
you are afraid.

Are you scared?
I am.

I am not empty!

They say that your eyes are the key to your soul.

so look at me and tell me what you see?

Because when I look into my eyes I see nothing but emptiness. 

Now tell me, is this statement true?

Because I'm sure as hell not fucking empty.

I'm a pot of boiling water, with the lid still on, every bubble of emotion trying to get out.

sad, happy, scared.... emotion .

not emptiness.

Never again

I sat in a ball, pressed into the corner.
I let the water roll off me,
wash away the days stress,
soak away the pain... just for a little while.
I took a breath and switched the water off.
Stood in a small glass cubicle, as all the fear dripped away.
Looking through the glass, through the looking glass.
I saw what I have become.
I am ashamed too say that I am disgusted with what I see.
And I will never look at myself again.