Reading through the old messages,

my god, so much has changed.

I hope when you leave, it makes you realize.

How much you miss/need/love/ want... me.
I hope you have an epiphany. I love you.

A scary few days.

I haven't been able to access my blog, I still can't via googlechrome- so I'm using Internet explorer. I don't know why it's not working otherwise? Oh well, i don't really care. as long as i can get onto it somehow. I was scared, I didn't realize how much of a venting system this really is for me.

It's wrong.

It's not right to be so in love with someone that you can't think about anything else, that you can't breathe when you're with them, that they are your whole entire world...
and they don't even know.

Alone.

I suppose there's some kind of apathy here.
some detrimental deafening silence. something evil that lingers between my heart and your words.
I guess there is always a reason for letting people disappear from your life, and my god am I afraid. Why is there no reason to try anymore? because you and your soul mate have disappeared from my life, because all the things that matter don't?
I'm not dealing with the pain like I should be, I just want out.
I want to be alone.

I told someone new about you today.

free

lets disappear, spread your wings- we're out of here, there's nothing left, but no one's gone, you're what I know, but it all seems wrong.
There's voices calling, in the dead of night, silence stammering through the light. There's people watching from behind their masks, breathing into their frozen hearts.
There's a catch phrase here, and a rhyme to fit, an evil fear and a on a line it fits.
Write with me, we'll spend the days, walking together through streets and lanes, alone in their business, afraid in themselves, like old rusty toys all stacked on a shelf.
We're nothing but everything that lingers inside, the truth of what we're trying to hide, so take it from me- there's not a reason to see.
when everything here is as simple as free. 

Nothing really seems to matter that much anymore.
I've nearly cried so many times in the past few days.
Just at thought of a life without you.
help me.

I'm scared. I don't think I can do this.

The worst part of this..

Is that I don't even know for sure if you are leaving.
It's only a "likely possibility"
I'm preparing for the worst I suppose, I guess though... even if you decide you're going to leave.
It's going to hurt so much more than this.

I'm kind of hanging... hanging on the edge of the universe.

I'm about to fall,
see what you've done to me?
Then again I suppose it's not your fault that I rely on you as much as I do. 

I can't do this alone.

I don't know who I am without you.

Without you, I wouldn't be crazy, or happy, or mental.
I wouldn't laugh at the littlest things,
you're the one person that can brighten up my day.
The one person that can make me smile when I'm hurting.
The one person that can turn my pain into something funny.

So what happens when you're gone?
What do I do when you leave?

I'm so tired of people walking out on me.

Just because you can't see it.

Doesn't mean the pain you tried to rid away isn't there anymore

I just don't care anymore. about anything.

I sat alone today.

My eyes filled with tears, and I breathed again as my eyes swallowed them away.
I pictured you waving. I pictures our last day together.
Just a hug, and then you were gone.
Tears swelled again, I wanted to cry so much today, so many times. I wanted to call you and tell you how much I love you.
Beg you to stay.
I pictured me in a hospital bed, dying from something, you by my side, telling me to stay, as i died i wrote down the address for this blog.
"Every bit, it's all there... it's all for you" I said.
tears again.
I pictured writing a note for you. "I've loved you for so long, you never understood the strength of it, you never understood my pain, I'm in love with you- But I hope no matter what happens, ever- I hope you find happiness"
- writing the note, and walking away, never being seen again.
More tears.
and worse of all, I pictured saying goodbye, there was no emotional long situations, or tears on your part, or pain, or care... that's what hurt the most.
I pictured a goodbye... then realised once again. How little I mean.

Get me out of here.

It will be over soon... right?

Did you guess?

He's leaving, he's moving away, changing jobs, probably- he said- with her, all for her. I hate her you know? She stole my chances of being with him, now she's stealing my chances of being even friends with him.
You know the part thats worse? He's telling me that he isn't going to dice- that he'll still text me and drop by sometimes. He's promising me. But I don't want him to, he'll forget, he'll change his number or run out of credit. and just like everyone else, there will come a point when he's just over it, he just can't be fucked anymore.
"I promise I won't be like the others! This is one promise I won't break"
"but thats what everyone else said!"
"I'm not everyone else though..." No, but he's everything else. God, I wish he understood how much he means to me. I wish I understood it myself.
I hate breathing right now, I'm crying, sort of, every breath hurts- not even metaforically, it physically hurts.
PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!


I need him, I do, I need him. I wish I had a friend to cry to right now, yeah- I just need someone to sit down with me that I can complain to, and cry to, and blabber about my irrational fears and pointless pain, someone I can trust that will simply tell me "yeah that sucks-" rather than trying to make it better by saying shit about how he's just a boy and I'm only young, and I'll get over it.
I know.
It's true- BUT THATS NOT WHAT I FUCKING NEED RIGHT NOW!!!!

Why does everyone leave? why do i have some fucked up fantasy in my head that people are going to stay forever. nothing lasts forever. nothing ever will.

I don't understand why I want him to stay so much, why it hurts so much, why i think i need him so much?
I've thought this before, not the same way, but i've thought that i have depended on someone who left me, i turned out fine without them. but it doesnt change a thing. not right now.

what am i going to do without you? the same thing I did last time, I suppose- find new reasons, new friends, new people to fall in love with. and what? watch them fucking leave too!?? yeah awesome fucking plan. aarhh!!
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUUUUCCKKK!!!! :(


maybe its for the best? maybe god is ridding you from my life, so i can finally move on- maybe something good will come from this- but right now, i just cant feel happy.

god, i love you so much. with everything of me, and you're leaving for her!???!?!?!?!?? i COULD BE SO MUCH BETTER. 
I wouldn't make you stay up and talk to me because I felt sooky,i wouldn't. I could be so so so so fucking much better. 
I want to slice into my skin, cut myself open, hurt, i want to burn because anything is better than this, I swear- ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN THIS!!
No, no this isn't fair :( don't leave me. please don't leave me. I don'y know what I'm going to do without you-

it brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. take me away, someone take me away- move me now, i hate the wait... you know, when you know someones leaving? and they have a few months before they disappear from your life? those months are so painful, because you know all that time is just more memories to hold onto, more laughs, more hugs, more playfights, you know that they're going to haunt you when they finally leave. Then you end up wishing that they would just go, right now, right this very second, just drop you- fuck you off- at least then you don't have to deal with the waiting. the knowing that the end is right around the corner..
Yeah, I know i should enjoy the time whilst i have it? BUT HOW THE FUCK CAN I?! WHEN YOU'RE LEAVING, WHEN YOU'RE GOING AWAY, WHEN YOU'RE DISAPPEARING.... WHEN I DON'T MATTER ANYMORE!!????

How can i possibly enjoy that, HOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOW!!!????

Anyone who reads this tonight, i beg of you to talk to me, help me. I can't breathe right now, I need someone, anyone.
please please understand. please help me. this hurts so much.

Overreaction? I don't give a fuck, I want to die;

Please god, you sick sadistic fucking asshole, please, take away the pain or fucking kill me. 
I don't know how much longer I can cope. 

Go ahead, FUCK OFF!

Go, leave, fuck off out of my life, delete my number from your phone, never talk to me again- If you're going to leave, do it properly.
Maybe then I'd have a chance of letting you go.

You love her so much.

It hurts me so much.

For some fucked up reason I have this fucking idea in my stupid fucking head, that when you meet someone perfect, when you meet someone that you fucking need- I have this stupid fucking fantasy, that they're going to fucking stay! what. the. fuck.

IS WRONG WITH ME?!!

But you're everything.

"But I'm not everyone! I won't do what they did"...
"Yes you are..." and yes, yes you will. 

You're just making another promise, you know you're not going to keep.

Everyone who has ever said they care, has ended up leaving, guess you're just another one of those.

Who was I kidding,to think that someone would possibly stick around...

for me?

I believe that eyes, are what define a person.

When I look at your eyes.
I see perfection.

I hope one day you love me like I love you.

I hope you understand one day, how much it hurts, to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back- to watch them go from one person to another, to another, to another. I hope you understand how painful it is when not one of those girls, is me?

Sometimes, like now- I stop and think, what if we actually were together? would it be strange, awkward, weird? now... because we've been friends for too long, because we're too close? because we've referred to each other as "sister, brother?".... I don't know, I don't know what it would be like. Maybe I'll go away for a couple of years, and come back- a whole new person, changed from the inside out and the outside in. Maybe I'll do that, maybe then your fairytale will be over, and maybe you will want me, maybe then I'll be worth something.
I love you .
I hope you understand one day.

because who would want someone like that?

Not a single soul. 

What happened to the little girl?

"She's there somewhere.."
No, no she's not, what happened to the little girl? Somewhere along the way she grew up, she forgot what it was like to love, somewhere along the way...
she stopped believing. 

Kiss me.

It started with a look, a joke, a laugh- you stared into my eyes, and playfully pushed me away...
 Then inside, we tackled, "Give me the crate!" I giggled, you pulled it away, we fought, my arms around your back, you biting my hands. All playfully, all a joke, but then.. then you turned around... you faced me.
I looked into your eyes again, I wanted to push you against the wall, kiss you, hold you, I wanted you to take my face in your hands and kiss me, tell me that it was always me.

Instead I turned away, "fine".... I gave up. I walked away..
Because I knew, I know- won't ever want me the way I want you.

It feels like forever.

How long will it take me to accept that I have lost you to her...
and I'm never going to have you?
How long will it take me to let you go?

It's never going to change.

So keep your head high, and your hopes low-
because there is no point being sad anymore.

Your voice

Is the most beautiful sound in the world,
so why must I feel like crying when I hear it?

one in a billion.

One person in the world shouldn't be so perfect,
when the rest of us have to be normal.

Your eyes...

Are the deepest oceans of blue.
& I'm drowning in their perfection.

Your voice was so cold... What did I do wrong this time?

What once was...

Is not there anymore, take a look around- at all the empty spaces, at all the vacant eyes, at all the fear, anguish, nothingness.
Take a good hard look at everything there used to be,
And understand that it's not ever going to be the same.

You are not ready.

I know you're not ready to take a leap that could save you,
because you're too lost in your own self pity.
And without your pain... you're nothing.
you're no one.

Are you scared?

There is never one person that is ready to take a stand for you,
because every one person is afraid of judgment.

Somewhere..

Somewhere here, there's undefined potential, something worth living for & something worth dying for.
If I could only figure out what was what, then maybe things would somehow fall into place.

Hey, take a look at this.

If i read from the start of my blog forward- I can retrace my steps of falling in love with you-
if you ever find out, if you ever ask why-
I'll show you.

Things aren't the way they were before...

I've changed, into scary things, evil things. I'm mean, scared, hurt... all the time.
I don't know what happened, along the way somewhere- I got lost with you, now everything that used to matter, doesn't...
and all the things that never did matter- do.
All of it, every single thing that used to mean something to me is replaced by you.
god, I hope that one day- you will be a memory, "that what you meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard."

I need something. ugh, you are ALWAYS IN MY HEAD- all the time, the only thing, when I'm running, when I'm writing, when I'm calculating or working or eating - when I sleep.
you're ALWAYS there. some memory of you, laughing, or us fighting- even though we're over those fights- the memories are still there- eating at me, wishing i hadn't said whatever I said wrong.
the part that hurts the most is that I know that all the while I'm sitting here crying, hurting, over you-
you're sitting there, her in your arms, smiling away. one big happy ending.

i hate this so much.

These little words.

"Hey, how are you?"
"Good and you?"
"Yeah good aye"
"Can I talk to you, I mean- seriously talk- I have something I need to say, you're not going to like it, but I need to say it, you need to hear it... it's honest- so all I ask is that you don't judge what I have to say, that you listen to everything... and promise me this won't ruin our friendship. This has taken all the courage in the world, and I'm so afraid it's going to fuck things up... I can't keep this inside anymore...."
"Okaay? go ahead"
"I love you... more than a "brother" ... I'm in love with you. I have been for months, nearly a year now. I was there for you through everything, I'll always be there for you. I watched you go from loving her, to fucking her, to loving her again, to losing her, to loving another, and all the while I sat back and watched, listened to your stories, about their perfection & their flaws. I sat back. I listened, I conforted you- while inside I was screaming. "LOOK AT ME GOD DAMN IT! LOOK!"- but you never looked, you never saw, you never noticed. I was there for you through everything, and then I found out how little i meant to you- and yeah, it hurt me a lot. But i never said anything, maybe I did- never seriously though , only in a joking way- but you never picked up the truth behind it.
the honest truth is, what I'm trying to say is that I'll do anything, I'll sit there in pain as long as you're happy, if you would just give me a chance to make you happy. I'd do everything. I'd do anything. I've never felt this way before, I wish I could let you go.... but I can't. I've tried- tried to be mad at you so I can't talk to you, but you have a way of keeping me happy. I know you're with her, I know she makes you happy- but please, please give me a chance...
I love you . with all that I am.... please, tell me you love me back...."

I wish you could see this, and know it's about you- I wish you would read it, and come running up to me. telling me you feel exactly the same,  i wish i had the courage to have this conversation. 
I wish i wasn't in love. 

The Last Thing I Said To you...

I hate you..
I was joking of course.. but there was some truth in it.
I hate you.
I hate that you have the ability to make me feel like this.
I hate you, for not wanting me.
I hate you for making her happy.
I hate you for making me want you.
I hate you for loving me only as a sister.
I hate you for being unreachable.
I hateyouIhateyouIhateyou...
But what I hate the most?
Me, I hate me- how I could let myself hurt so much over you... god I wish you knew how I felt.

And then, after a while- you become addicted to the pain, to the rush. You need it, it's what makes you, you... it's what keeps you going.

You, you, you.

you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you ....
why don't YOU know who YOU are?

I'm pretty sure that every post I've written since around October last year, has had something to do with you. See? do you fucking see it? what you've done to me.

You don't have the right to make me feel like this.

Please, stop it. stop making me feel useless. I don't feel like there is a reason for anything anymore, I know its stupid but...
I feel like because you don't want me.
I don't have a reason to be here anymore.
I don't have a reason to fight.

You're everything to me.

.... and I'm just a bookmark in one of your pages.

It's all for you... Every last bit.

Even the things that hurt me, that things that I swore I'd never do, or say, or feel. 
For you, everything changed . 
and you don't even fucking notice. 

You don't want me to be in love with you?

... Then don't smile at me. Don't wave to me. Don't touch me, or talk to me, or play, or laugh, or feel, or dance, or sing, or ask....
Just disappear, maybe then I'll have a chance of letting go.

I wish I wasn't sober, maybe then I'd have more fun... and I loathe her, she has everything I want... and I hold him, but only in my mind, he never says what I want to hear half the time.

- Caterin Maxwell (original song)

I can't explain it.

The immensity of love that I have fallen in.
Everything about you makes my heart ache for your acceptance.
do you laugh as much with her? does she make you smile that crooked smile?
I wish you could see it,
I wish you would... and feel the same way.

I don't know what to feel anymore.
I just want someone to love me.
when I saw you today.
i.. I melted, you're so beautiful.
I could make you happy, god, please let me make you happy!!

Why is it that the one person that can make me happy, is too busy making someone else happy?

That hurt a little more than it should have.

Tonight, a girl I work with said to me about the boy I love "god, him and his girlfriend are so cute hey?"
I responded with "Fucks me, I never see them"
"yeah... but he just seems so happy"
"yeah.."
God, I can't even explain how that felt- it hurt so much, I couldn't fucking breathe- I wanted to cry, I'm happy he's happy. of course- but why her ?
She talked about him a lot tonight, like- all the stuff they talk about and shit.
I got hurt by that too, I thought he and i were the only ones like that, it was my special friendship, and it took me so long to get that- she's been there, what ? a month?
and he's developed probably a a stronger friendship with her in that time- he's told her stuff already, that it took me so fucking long to hear.
Why don't people like me?
Whats wrong with me?
why do people replace me so easily?
why am i not good enough for anyone?
I feel terrible, I want to cry- i want someone to want me. I want a real friend, someone i can turn to when I'm hurting, please god-
send me a special friend, just for me, just one special friend, that won't leave me, that won't replace me, that won't hurt me over and over....
thats all i want.

Floating on air... right ?

You drift through my head, like the wind sweeping through the winter air, cold- unsatisfying.
You evade my mind, smother me, submerge me, I'm lost inside my head.
You wander, and search the ally ways of my mind, finding secrets only you could find.
You whisper words of criticism, I can feel you breathing.
You're alone inside yourself, inside my mind- you're scratching to the surface.
You eat away at my lungs, making it hard for me to breathe.
Your voice washes through me like the pounding droplets of rain,
your words slapping the sidewalks- leaving their imprints, forever tattooed into the ground.
You're disappearing now, like smoke through the air, I can see you fading away into nothingness.
You're snaking your way through the clouds, soaking up their emptiness, you're nothing now.

And now I open my eyes to the blinding light, finding in truth how alone, I am- how alone I've always been.
You lifted me up from six feet under, flew me into the clouds on your back- I let you, and of course, you left me there- on a cloud, and of course.
I fell right through.
I'm still falling, I think you keep me from hitting the ground..
for now.

When you see the boy you love, with the girl he loves.

I'm tired of being tired.

I haven't slept properly in days, there was s moment there when I thought I was moving on, it's been reinforced once again, that I'm not.
Boy, you want my truth? I'll be one hundred and fifty percent honest with you.
I think. I don't know- I think That I'm in love with you.
when you laugh, it makes me happy, if you're laughing at me- or with me.
I love your eyes, the way you look at me, the pureness.
You make me happy, so happy- when I'm sad & you're around, you're the one person who can bring me up again, but as soon as you're gone (or you bring her up)- I'm hurting again.
When we argue, i freak out that you're going to be mad at me, but then we joke around more, and it's over.
When you're sad, all I want to do, is hold you- hug you, kiss you and make everything better, when you're sad- my heart hurts, I hate seeing you sad and angry, it transfers to me.
I know your hands and arms, that sounds stupid, but they have such a you look about them.
I don't sleep anymore, I'm up all night thinking if you, smiling because of the fun we have, saddening because you're not mine.
When I do sleep I dream about you, when I wake up I'm thinking about you. Whenever I hear your name floods of memories fill my head, all I want is to be with you- to hold you in my arms.
I've accepted all your flaws- because they are apart of you, you are far from perfect- some things about you are just... i don't know. anyways, i've accepted everything, and realised that all your flaws are what i'm looking for. I want someone EXACTLY like you. I don't want a perfect guy. I just want you.

I wish I could say this to your face. 
but I'm in love with you. 
I know everything about you. 
I accept your flaws and love your traits. 
I don't think I'll ever find someone quite like you.
If there was a guarantee, or even a CHANCE that I could have you, I'd do anything. anything at all. 
I don't think I've ever wanted someone/thing so much in my life. 
And this is hurting me boy... This is breaking me into millions of tiny pieces. 
and I just don't want to fight anymore. 

Someone take the pain away.

It's burning you know? and it physically hurts, that spot right in between your chest, right in the middle, stinging, someone is stabbing you, killing you... and I know exactly who it is.
Funny though, how I can't stop you, I often think- if you were physically here, with your knife, slashing away- that maybe I would be able to stop you, I'd fight you off and run away, I'd kill you before you had the chance to kill me.
But you're not, you're not right with me, slashing me open, no. you're somewhere happy, and somehow with your strength you're burning me inside, I can't breathe. and I can't stop you,
you know the worst part is?
that you have no idea what you do, that you watch me with that smirk, and it hurts me everytime.
I'm sick of being put fourth, fifth, tenth, twentieth- when I put you first. I'm over hurting because you don't stress that "I'm beautiful".. or don't disagree when I say things like what I say.
God, I hate you- far too much.
I don't get it, i don't...
FUCK EVERYTHING.