I don't know what to feel anymore.
I just want someone to love me.
when I saw you today.
i.. I melted, you're so beautiful.
I could make you happy, god, please let me make you happy!!

Why is it that the one person that can make me happy, is too busy making someone else happy?

That hurt a little more than it should have.

Tonight, a girl I work with said to me about the boy I love "god, him and his girlfriend are so cute hey?"
I responded with "Fucks me, I never see them"
"yeah... but he just seems so happy"
"yeah.."
God, I can't even explain how that felt- it hurt so much, I couldn't fucking breathe- I wanted to cry, I'm happy he's happy. of course- but why her ?
She talked about him a lot tonight, like- all the stuff they talk about and shit.
I got hurt by that too, I thought he and i were the only ones like that, it was my special friendship, and it took me so long to get that- she's been there, what ? a month?
and he's developed probably a a stronger friendship with her in that time- he's told her stuff already, that it took me so fucking long to hear.
Why don't people like me?
Whats wrong with me?
why do people replace me so easily?
why am i not good enough for anyone?
I feel terrible, I want to cry- i want someone to want me. I want a real friend, someone i can turn to when I'm hurting, please god-
send me a special friend, just for me, just one special friend, that won't leave me, that won't replace me, that won't hurt me over and over....
thats all i want.

Floating on air... right ?

You drift through my head, like the wind sweeping through the winter air, cold- unsatisfying.
You evade my mind, smother me, submerge me, I'm lost inside my head.
You wander, and search the ally ways of my mind, finding secrets only you could find.
You whisper words of criticism, I can feel you breathing.
You're alone inside yourself, inside my mind- you're scratching to the surface.
You eat away at my lungs, making it hard for me to breathe.
Your voice washes through me like the pounding droplets of rain,
your words slapping the sidewalks- leaving their imprints, forever tattooed into the ground.
You're disappearing now, like smoke through the air, I can see you fading away into nothingness.
You're snaking your way through the clouds, soaking up their emptiness, you're nothing now.

And now I open my eyes to the blinding light, finding in truth how alone, I am- how alone I've always been.
You lifted me up from six feet under, flew me into the clouds on your back- I let you, and of course, you left me there- on a cloud, and of course.
I fell right through.
I'm still falling, I think you keep me from hitting the ground..
for now.

When you see the boy you love, with the girl he loves.

I'm tired of being tired.

I haven't slept properly in days, there was s moment there when I thought I was moving on, it's been reinforced once again, that I'm not.
Boy, you want my truth? I'll be one hundred and fifty percent honest with you.
I think. I don't know- I think That I'm in love with you.
when you laugh, it makes me happy, if you're laughing at me- or with me.
I love your eyes, the way you look at me, the pureness.
You make me happy, so happy- when I'm sad & you're around, you're the one person who can bring me up again, but as soon as you're gone (or you bring her up)- I'm hurting again.
When we argue, i freak out that you're going to be mad at me, but then we joke around more, and it's over.
When you're sad, all I want to do, is hold you- hug you, kiss you and make everything better, when you're sad- my heart hurts, I hate seeing you sad and angry, it transfers to me.
I know your hands and arms, that sounds stupid, but they have such a you look about them.
I don't sleep anymore, I'm up all night thinking if you, smiling because of the fun we have, saddening because you're not mine.
When I do sleep I dream about you, when I wake up I'm thinking about you. Whenever I hear your name floods of memories fill my head, all I want is to be with you- to hold you in my arms.
I've accepted all your flaws- because they are apart of you, you are far from perfect- some things about you are just... i don't know. anyways, i've accepted everything, and realised that all your flaws are what i'm looking for. I want someone EXACTLY like you. I don't want a perfect guy. I just want you.

I wish I could say this to your face. 
but I'm in love with you. 
I know everything about you. 
I accept your flaws and love your traits. 
I don't think I'll ever find someone quite like you.
If there was a guarantee, or even a CHANCE that I could have you, I'd do anything. anything at all. 
I don't think I've ever wanted someone/thing so much in my life. 
And this is hurting me boy... This is breaking me into millions of tiny pieces. 
and I just don't want to fight anymore. 

Someone take the pain away.

It's burning you know? and it physically hurts, that spot right in between your chest, right in the middle, stinging, someone is stabbing you, killing you... and I know exactly who it is.
Funny though, how I can't stop you, I often think- if you were physically here, with your knife, slashing away- that maybe I would be able to stop you, I'd fight you off and run away, I'd kill you before you had the chance to kill me.
But you're not, you're not right with me, slashing me open, no. you're somewhere happy, and somehow with your strength you're burning me inside, I can't breathe. and I can't stop you,
you know the worst part is?
that you have no idea what you do, that you watch me with that smirk, and it hurts me everytime.
I'm sick of being put fourth, fifth, tenth, twentieth- when I put you first. I'm over hurting because you don't stress that "I'm beautiful".. or don't disagree when I say things like what I say.
God, I hate you- far too much.
I don't get it, i don't...
FUCK EVERYTHING.