i thought it was getting better.

i drove past him today. didn't look at his car, pretended i didn't see him. work was fine. until we got some cooking orders and i started to stress.
then i just broke.
i started crying and the only thing i could think of was;
i want Ashley. 


and there's his name guys. Ashley.
I miss him so much.
Everything feels so horrible right now.

I deleted every single message on my phone last night. every single one.
Tonight, I missed a call from him. not on purpose though. that pissed me off, that i missed it unknowlingly, that i couldn't sit there and be proud that i was strong enough to resist it. I missed it by accident.
ugh. and he only tried once, didn't leave a message didn't send a text, shows how fucking much i matter. god. i'm so angry, why can't he just ... go ?

but i don't want him to go, i want him very much to stay.
stay with me?
i still can't stop thinking about them together, how wrong they are for each other.
i want all this to end. fuck
.
it all needs to fucking end.

idiot.

it's kind of funny, how i'm sitting here, waiting for a message from you, so i can ignore it and feel like i'm strong, or doing something right.. or something.
but, well for one. i'm still sitting here waiting for a message from you.
and two.
you're not sending me a thing.
which probably means that... well, i know it means, that i haven't crossed your mind at all.
this is so fucked.
everything is shit. you're shit. she's shit. i hate her. i hate you. i hate me.
fuck this. i'm going to bed.

There's nothing left of me anymore. he's taken everything. every ounce of strength, every little bit of happiness, all that sadness. he's taken everything.
I'm so empty now.
there's just...
nothing. 

and she gets to lie in that bed, in those arms, hold you, look into those eyes.
her.
she.
why?
it's not fair.
it's not fair that she gets you.

going through his photos was a bad idea.

What time does..

It’s so strange, and weird… now that I think about it, I mean.. when I think back to when I first met you. Well, I didn’t even meet you. I saw you, I didn’t know who you were, I didn’t really care… I was focused on whatever my problems, or whatever. I was focused on something else. You were nothing to me. another person, another name, another face… nothing. But then, something happened, I learnt the person behind the face, like you were a math problem, I uncovered things about you, and at some point we clicked I guess. I can’t remember when it was, or how it happened, but all of a sudden, you meant something to me… you were important, and most of all you weren’t nothing. Over time, I gradually got to know more about you, the deepest parts of your minds, what lay nestled inside your head, how you thought, and eventually you grew to be someone that I relied on, I needed. I guess that, looking back on it now, looking back to the first time that I sat at that table and glanced over at you, wondering who you were, but brushing it off, because, who were you? you were nothing. right? nothing. Looking back, it’s so weird thinking about how little you were, and how much you are now. But I guess that, maybe… if I didn’t need you then, I don’t need you now. I mean, you were once nothing.. time changed that. 

Maybe time can change this too?