Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I am.

I am a teenager. stuck in a whirlwind of continues complaints, drama and self inflicted pain. (no not self harm. just bringing stupid shit onto myself)
I'm lost and confused and now extremely hurt over a boy. who I now know does not want me. I want him to disappear. I want to do that myself. I know that obviously we aren't meant to be together- it's not supposed to happen. so I have no idea why I am upset. but then again I don't know if i believe in fate or not. I just need to get away from him. I need to get away from everything for a while.
then there is my "friends".. god they're dusigusting people. most of them. I know what they're all like, yet i continues trusting them. knowing that what I am saying is going to backfire no matter what. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. and speak silently to these people. tell them nothing.I don't want to be able to trick myself into trusting these people even when i KNOW what its going to do to me in the end.
I'm having an off night. blaming myself for everything that goes wrong. I keep saying to myself.
no wonder you have shit friends. look how fat and ugly you are. no wonder he doesn't want you. you're so stupid and dumb. no one wants you. look at you. you're so gross and i hate you. 
thats the kind of thing that I am quite sure every teenage girl says to themselves every now and then.
every month or two.
every day.
every hour. I'm a typical teenager, and I'm bloody aware of it.
I can't wait until this hormonal imbalence ends. there will be no more feeling like this. i sound so mopey. its annoying. because really i know how lucky I am. for everything! I can't stand girls like me. that bring their personal issues into everything and make it out like they're life is bad. I'm not depressed. I don't have an eating disorder, or a sleeping disorder. I don't have anxiety or OCD.
nono. I'm just a regular teenager sooking about regular teenage stuff.
but please don't get me wrong. I know how god damn lucky I am. I know it. I sometimes just have trouble accepting it.
I feel so ugly lately.
I feel like i don't fit in.
I feel fat.
because I can't wear shorts anymore. or even singlets. because of the strecth marks.
no body wants you. 
I feel better now.
I like having a blog.

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