I screamed.

he drove past again after, didn't stop that time. i screamed at the car long after he was gone.
"I hate you! i fucking hate you! fuck you! you stupid fucking ass hole! fuck you! you fuck me around. you make me fucking think that maybe just fucking maybe you want me, only when you're fucking lonely! but then, as soon as you fucking find someone else, its back to the same old i don't give a fuck about you because you're fat and ugly and horrible, so fucking horrible! i hate you! fuck you! fuck youu! you fuck with my head. i hate you! I hate you so much" 

I want to die.

Tonight was the most painful thing that i've felt in a long time.
I don't know for sure whats going on.
But i've got a fair idea.
and i want to fucking die.
my friend, that we worked with, that left recently, had a facebook status, saying "life is so awesome at the moment, gotta love it- with such and such AND HIM.
Okay. i worried, i thought he was at work, i called work, i herd him, then i happened to see him drive past later on.
her in the car.
he stopped, and came over, and..
they;re together.
they must be together. they aren't just friends, i texted her earlier saying stuff, we had a convo. i asked her what she was doing tonight. she skipped the question.
whenhe got out of the car. she didnt. why wouldnt you? she had JUST told me she missed me.

YOU FUCKING LYING STUPID BITCH!!! YOU KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM! YOU FUCKING KNEW. FUCK YOU. FUCK HIM. FUCK OFF FUCKFUFKFFUFUFUFUUUUCK.
god. i sound so angry now. but im hurting. i really am. im screaming. i want to slice my skin open. i want to hurt, i want to die! i fucking. i broke down afterwoods, after he left and we were walking across the road, i started crying. my "bestfriend" didnt even fucking care.
fuck
i hate this
i want to die.
i want to die.
:(
she suggested maybe they're just friends! but WHY wouldn't she tell me what she was doing ?
why the fuck?
why.
and it explains why, he hasn't been replying to my texts, explains why hes been acting like hes got another girl. because. he probably fucking does.
i'm hurting.
i am hurting.
i cant do this.
i'm so angry. so angry. I'VE CHANGED EVERYTHING FOR HIM. and i'm still not fucking good enough. WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE!?? WHY!! and fuck you! you stupid bitch.
SHE KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS. SHE KNEW. SHE KNEW .
he seemed sorry. before he left he was like. give me a cuddle.
and hugged me.
i didnt move my arms. just put my head over his shoulder.
\why
cant this one time
god give me the one thing i'm asking for.
why can't i just have one thing?
am i really that repulsive? am i really that horrible and disgusting?
please god. please. whatever, whoever, you are, please listen, please hear me, please help me.
please give me this.
just this.
please.
please let me be wrong about my assumption.
please.
please.
please.
help.

I'm just tired. tired and angry and sad. and just. FUCK. FUCKING FUCKED. FUCKKK. i am so . fucking. sad. i want
FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

I'm having the most horrible few days. I feel so sad all the time.
Wednesdays are always the worst, because, it's in the middle of the time that I see him for.
It's making me so sad, I just want to scream. Why can't he call me and tell me he misses me? or get drunk and say that i'm beautiful again? I want him to get drunk and think of me right away, i'm trying to stop hurting.
it's not working.
what do i do?
please make it stop.

so he starts a conversation .
and then when i reply to him
he doesn't reply to me.
even if i send like, three different messages, not like, stalkerish crazy, just add ons.
still no reply.

what the fuck are you playing at?

waiting waiting waiting.

my whole fucking life is centred around waiting. and not just for anything. for him. waiting for a text, waiting for a call, waiting for him to fall for me, waiting to see him, waiting for his hugs, waiting for him to finish work, waiting for him to tell me something i know i'll never hear. waiting for an invitation to his house. waiting for his laugh. waiting waiting waiting! waiting to look into those fucking eyes again.
WAITING.
I'M SO SICK OF FUCKING WAITING.

There hasn't really been much happening. Well, maybe there has, a lot of emotions and confusedness. but I can't express it. I don't feel like i can talk to anyone. i don't want to socialize, all this pain keeps building up, and it's all because of him. I feel so useless, i don't want to try anymore.
i don't want to be here.
i just need to get away.
from everything.