Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I think I love him.
Not the, thirteen year old 'love'
not the 'love' that comes and goes
not the 'love' that can be replaces as easily as a battery.
No, I think I am inlove with him.
In love, with someone who doesn't love me back.
god it hurts, watching him 'love' other girls, want them, need them, hurt over them.
Like I do for him.
He confuses me, always asking me to come over, to call him, to text him, on the other hand.. he calls me his sister, his little sister. I can't tell what it means, considering I've told him he's like a brother to me, is he trying to hide something? She isn't here yet, the girl he 'loves'.
Life is getting in the way, and she was meant to be here months ago, but fate keeps dropping bombshells.
and not letting it happen.
which, you know. makes me wonder... is it meant to be? is there the slightest opportunity, the slightest chance, that maybe, it could be me? yes, no, maybe?
In love.
something I may be wrong about, it certainly feels like love.
his smile, his eyes, his maniac laugh, the taunts and jokes he throws at me, the good and bad, his taste in music, his Favorite colour, his voice.
everything about him makes me smile, until I realize it doesn't belong to me. that smile, that body, that voice, that backwards glance or that terrible joke- will never belong to me.
they say four months, its considered a crush. any longer, and you're in love. I think I'm approaching six months. god knows how long its been, I've lost track of time.
I've seen sides of him, hidden sides. occasionally he likes to let a bit of himself slip out, and I sit there for hours unraveling it. Even seeing him angry, it scares me.
he protects me like a sister, and we fight like we're together. I know so much about him.
I  need to let him go, I don't want to be in love, not with him, not with a boy who tells me everything about every girl in his life.
I died a little inside, when he told me that he told her that he loved her.
of he can love so easily, then can't I?
am I really in love with someone who I can't have? I remember feeling like this before, and it took a long time before I could move on. I remember feeling like this, to an extent- but not to the scale It's on now. I want to know.
god, I just want to know if I'm in love with him..

The thing that bothers me the most, is knowing that younger girls than me, crazy- insane, beautiful girls. they he doesn't even KNOW, would have more of a chance than me with the boy I love, and they're willing to take up those chances.

I've only had a few hugs from him, half the time it's his joking around apologetic hugs, which I need to refuse, because. if he hugged me, and I hugged him back, I wouldn't want to let go. just bury my head in his chest. and never move, but instead. its more like, me standing like a pencil, with his arms around me.
I don't know what to think.
I'm still waiting, wishing, hoping- that he is going to turn around and tell me that the girl he loves is a fake, he made her up to make me jealous. I wish he would. I wish he would say that.
But I know, I know he won't. hopes a bitch. if it would die, then so would these feelings... in time.

I really just want to know. If I'm in love.

I've had dreams now, nothing sexual. of course. thats not me. just dreams, a line i remember from one was that I wrote him a note, telling him I was going for a walk, then he called me and i asked him if he got it.
he said "yes, I wanted to kiss you when I read that"

I don't know why I remember it, it makes no sense. but I woke up there, woke up with my heart beating at a thousand miles an hour.
I want him.
I love him. 

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