help..

I need to write, I need to write about everything, I need to write about fighting the tears that aren't coming. about falling into a black hole, about hating myself. about hating him. about hating her.. loving him.
about my chest feeling like its being torn apart from the inside out, and about how i still can't explain how I feel.
my mind is racing. you called me beautiful. did you? who the fuck was that?
I want you to hold me, fucking hell. I need you to hold me. please..
There is nothing. just nothing, but everything's breaking... broken. dead! AARGHH! FUCK WHY DON'T YOU SEE IT!!!? I keep trying to tell myself to let it the fuck go, its going to be  better. as bad as it seems now. it cant last forever, nothing does. feelings dont last forever. they don't!!! but it's been so long. hear I am, following you. watching everything you do. I need to let you go, because obviously you dont want me!
it doesn't matter, not that much. i guess, maybe. a little. fucking hell. yes it matters. i can't wait until this is over. until she is here and there is not even the slightest feeling lingering in your mind. because, you're fucking complete aren't you?
don't worry about me, I'm absouloutly fucking fine, lingering in the background.

I don't know how to deal with this.

someone please help me!