We haven't spoken, texted or seen each other (for more than a few seconds) in nearly three weeks.
he's online.
and hasn't even spoken to me.
so there you have it folks. i don't matter to anyone, even people who say they're friends or family or big brothers or they they love you.
you don't matter. and you are quite obviously not worth their fucking time.

however far away. I will always love you.
however long I stay. I will always love you.
whatever words I say.

I will always love you. 

are you going home to her? is she sitting on your couch, making you dinner, waiting for your kiss? are you rushing in your car to get her in your arms, are you laughing and smiling at your memories?

This is killing me.

I understand it.

Okay, so first of all what I'm going to say is don't take this, i'm not going to kill myself, i'm not going to even go there. don't worry, if you read this.

i just want to explain that i can understand how people kill themselves, i've never thought about it the way i do now. the only thing i could think was how could someone do that? hurt their families and friends and not even care, it's all a scam, a test...

but not now, i don't see that anymore. i understand now, how one can feel so horrible, so in pain, in just one second... just a matter of time, a few minutes of pain so screechingly painful, that it's just enough to take a gun and put it to your head or take a blade to your wrist.
I understand now, how a person can feel so horribly in pain, so empty, so alone, so already dead.
to take that one fucking step and end everything.

Why did she have to pick him? so many people want her, why the fuck, of all people did she have to chose him? why.... oh my god. i'm so on the verge of breaking because they were bought up, not by me- in conversation this morning, i can't stop thinking about it now, about how angry with her i am, about how fucking horrible she is to me, to the other people that she has fucked around... and the question that has me so fucking torn up inside..
why the fuck, did he chose her?

Someday's I just feel like I can't cope, and the only thing that could fix that was you being there with me. There to tell me that everything was going to be okay, or even... even just knowing that you miss me too. Even that would be enough to keep me going. But you're not.
you're not there with me.
and you don't miss me.
and those two things put together make everything seem useless and vague.
those two things put together tear me apart and... to be one hundred percent honest.
I don't know how much longer I can hold myself together.

Hm.

It's kind of funny, I had a status about him, saying something about how I should have told you earlier because it's so complicated now.
and he say:
whats troubling you sis?
awkward moment when it's you. it's always fucking you.
all my problems spring from you not wanting me. and it's tearing me down.
i don't want to be your little sister.
i want you to look at me differently.
please just love me like i love you?
come on, god, fate, whatever.... i'm begging you.
i'm begging you to change his mind. please let him change his mind.