I saw you kiss her.

I stared out the window, numbness had taken me over that day. until i watched your car pull up.. I smiled for a moment. yay, you're here... until she leant over. until she put herself into the picture and you kissed her. I saw you kiss her. I looked away. trembling. that hurt a bit.
I heard the door beep. but stayed steady in the kitchen. I braced myself for the meeting, the final end, the "hey __ this is __" I held on, imagined what I was going to say "it's so nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you"...
I waited and waited.. there was nothing. just another beep. I watched you speed away, your hand in hers.
I couldn't breathe. I can't believe you! how dare you not say a thing to me? how dare you fucking pretend I'm not here!!? all i've heard about for the past months is her her her her her her her her!!!! yet she doesn't even know I EXIST?! ever since she has been in the picture , i don't mean shit anymore. i fucking hate you for everything! you call me family, yet you treat me like dirt now. you don't text me anymore. when you see me you don't ask how I am or how my day was. for fuck sake! when I talk to you you don't give a shit. when I send you a message you don't reply. YET WHEN YOU NEED SOMEONE TO FUCKING COMPLAIN TO!!
relationships ruin EVERYTHING. FUCK YOU!! I hate how you've made me feel. you used to try and make me smile when I felt sad. now you ignore me like I'm a fuckiing ghost.
you have made me miserable!

I don't know if, or what I did wrong.
But if I'm not worth your time,
you're sure as hell not worth mine.

sometimes its easy to forget,
that trust is something you should never give to someone.
no matter how well you think you know them.

I just..
can't.

Not broken.

No, I don't have a broken heart. No my life is not over.
I do however, feel like I have lost everything that has ever meant anything to me.
Yes, I feel like I'm falling apart.
Yes, I feel like my heart has been ripped out and trampled on.
Yes I feel like hiding from everything and never hearing your voice, or looking into your eyes ever again.
I don't understand how you can't notice this.
It feels like my lungs have be sliced through and I can't talk anymore. I can't scream anymore.
I cried yesterday. everything felt like it was falling down on me. how am I supposed to breathe anymore?
How did I ever manage it?
Don't hug me. don't ask me whats going on.
because you don't want to know.
my goodness. you really don't want to know whats going on in my head.

Everythings falling apart tonight.

my bestfriends a fucking bitch. so angry right now. goes to fucking show you can't trust anyone.
so fuck her!
i dont fucking need her. ugh.