New blog,

I'm trying to start fresh and get everything into one email adress thing, so this is my new blogging URL. http://ablanksheetofpaperafreshstart.blogspot.com/

chances are i'll still be coming back on this to vent when something happens that i can't post, just incase that blog becomes un-private.
don't feel obligated to follow me either, i don't even know how many of you read these posts.
have a lovely day .

so i've come to the conclusion that he never liked me that way, and i'm going to keep it at that. i've sorted things out with her, so she knows now, and she said she was sorry.. kind of, but i guess it its kind of my fault, but it's also like i don't really believe her, like she knew the whole time what she was doing, even though i said it was okay. i don't know what's going on with him. he cares about me still. i guess that's enough for now.
hm. this is kind of a horrible feeling because as usual i don't know what's going on, i just know that i'm broken, so fucking broken and confused and empty, and i can't find a reason any more. it's making me crazy, but i've decided, from this day onwards- i'm not going to talk about him anymore, not to anyone, i've gone from telling no one anything, to telling anyone everything... and i've got to stop it. the only time he will be mentioned is in this blog, but other than that there will be nothing, i need to stop seeking help from every person i know, because they're all getting sick of it now.
i'm thinking of starting a new blog, dedicated to writing poetry and more poetic stream of consciousness. trying as much not to mention things in such a bold way, like- most of the writing will likely be dedicated to him, but less than this, if i get a new blog i'll post the link, doubt anyone would look at it anyway. i mean really? who gives a fuck about mt stupid fucking boy problems. i can't believe that all of this is spring from one boy, one person in the world can make you feel so useless and alone and empty.. but at the same time they can make you feel like the happiest person alive.

isn't that so strange?

I ruined it. I missed out. it's my fault. and now what? :/

unexpected.

He loved me.
well, he liked me... for a while, but i kept denying it, so he never said it.. he never told me.
i never told him.
so he moved on.
and i'm stuck here.
and... i don't know what to feel anymore.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. see what the fuck? my fucking internet is playing up and i'm stressing the fuck out, trying not to throw the fucking computer,trying not to fucking punch walls fucking fuck. i sent him a fucking message asking, not easily, if i was simply a last resort, if i'd done something wrong.i made it pretty fucking obvious that i'm fucking hurt and he didn't fucking reply. fucking fuck sake. fuck him. fuck. too fucking busy fucking her i guess. literally. dumb bitch. fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK. fucking fuck! argh!

Nothing.

I'm a last resort to him, an option. for when he is lonely, or no one else is available, i don't think he understand how much that hurts. how much everything hurts. all the time. i'm so stressed, and i can't respond to it well, at all, any time something tiny or remotely stressfull happens i break down. i nearly cry, i punch things, i punch myself... all of this for the tiniest of things. i feel so empty. i just need him to hug me so i feel better, because i just don't know how to feel normal again. i want to die because i can't find reason any more. i'm so tired. i just want to go home .


and it just goes to show, that you need me less than I need you. 

I asked god to take away the pain last night.
and tonight is just proof that whatever it is, didn't listen to me.